I’m Feeling…

4dp5dt

…not a heck of a lot.

Yeah, I’ve got that kinda full abdominal feeling. And yeah, my stomach is a little….odd…but, none of my usual HCG symptoms are present (typically the tingly chest thing is the give-away and I just have the mild progesterone soreness).

I’m preparing for the bad news on Saturday that this will be a failed IVF. Which doesn’t mean that I’ve given up hope because that’s a huge character flaw with me – I always have a secret hope that things will work out in the end. Which means that I’m often disappointed.

I’ve had to write Dr. Celebrity to request an end of the week phone call to discuss either (a) who to arrange my 3rd beta with in Nashville and how to proceed or (b) whether using the 2nd IVF on the grant is worth it now that we’ve had a look at my highly average eggs.

In most ways, I’m very glad that it is still Monday. This weekend will be the beta and perhaps the end of this part of my dream for a child. It will also be our last weekend in New York which a friend aptly referred to as “a type of death”.

People keep asking me if I’m excited about the move and that’s such a complicated question.  I can picture hubby and me sitting, surrounded by candles and a firepit, on the deck of our rented townhouse, enjoying the quiet of a summer night.  Something we certainly can’t do in NYC. I see us cuddling on the couch in front of our roaring fireplace in the winter (or what passes for winter in Nashville).  I picture watching the dog watching squirrels and running through the backyard and the cat sitting, looking longingly out the screen door.

I look forward to all of that.  I look forward to most of the challenges that will be involved with my new job and that aren’t related to my new boss’s flakiness.

And there will come a time, when I’m happy in our new life. (I hope anyhow).

But the sadness that I’m feeling at leaving everything here is pretty much all pervasive. Everything I’m doing I’m doing for what may be the last time here and I hate that thought.  I’ve lived in many places: Michigan, Chicago, Washington DC, England, New Jersey and New York. And for all the things I hate about it, New York and I are linked in a similar way to that of me and Michigan (where I was born and lived through college). Its just a part of me and I of it.

I know that there is some sort of literary parallel here.  These two issues coming to a head at the same time are doing so for a reason and I’m sure that there is a subtext that I could learn something from if I could quiet my brain enough to sort through it.

But I’m currently (a) plowing through packing and the multitude of loose ends that need to be sorted before next week and (b) trying to monitor symptoms and prepare myself for whatever comes from my beta on Saturday because I’m going to have to pull myself together to deal with our going-away get together Saturday night and the movers on Sunday (not to mention work and a cross-country trek).

I think I’ll put aside a weekend in August to sit on our new deck and sort all of this out. I can’t imagine having the time before then.