Posted by: perchancetodream | March 23, 2010

Forgotton Dreams


But I did wake to a startling revelation the other morning.

I completely forgot about the follistim in the fridge.  You know, that stash that I was going to use for my last ditch unmonitored cycle because hey, you never know and it wasn’t like I could give all of those half-used vials to anyone else so why not throw caution to the wind and…you never know.

After we stopped seeing our ineffective RE in January 2009, I wanted to get the drugs out of my system and just regroup.  By May we were knee-deep in preparation for our home study.

The question of what to do with the meds has come up (particularly when hubby can’t find room in the fridge for more beer and this case of stuff is just sitting there in the back).  And I always had a plan or rather…this month was never good but 2 months from now there were no h0lidays and it wasn’t anyone’s birthday and we weren’t going to be out of town on the crucial days and……

In the course of just living life I forgot all about it.

Waking up with that realization at first made me proud (“Look how adjusted you are to the fact that you’re adopting; you completely forgot to do this crazy thing of shooting yourself full of drugs – again – only this time without monitoring which was a crazy idea to begin with”).  Then it freaked me out (“What if that was your chance; your time to actually jog your follicles and have your biological baby…the one who would continue your lines co-mingled with hubby’s? And you just forgot????”).

And now….I don’t know.  The meds are out of date – most around 8 months so.  Perhaps they’d still be good.  Or do no damage.  Perhaps I’ve just been hanging on to them as a talisman of sorts because I still don’t find myself throwing them out.

I’ve thought of going through the trial of giving myself daily shots again.  This time with the added stress of no ultrasounds to make sure I’m not over(or under) doing it.  It is less than appealing.  I look at the calendar and see my trips out of town for work and for family visits and then our anniversary and…it would be July (coincidentally the 2 year anniversary of our one IVF try) before I could realistically do it.  The meds will be at least a year out of date and by then we should be registered to adopt in Bulgaria.

I want to be someone who can just chuck out the bag (although how to dispose of this stuff is another question all together) and feel cleansed.  I want to say that I’m so firmly committed to our adoption plans (those plans which took no real emotional adjustment for me because I’d always assumed that I’d go that route) that I no longer even care about having a biological child.

But instead I’m the person who has a bag taking up room where some pretty good beer could be.  Just in case she can convince herself to give it just one more go, if the calendars and the stars align.  And frankly, I’m not sure how I feel about being that person.



  1. If you want to loose the bag forever, drop it off a local pharmacy. Many pharmacies participate in “take back programs” where you can discard unwanted drugs. They are then incenerated and kept out of the water supply. We have enough hormones in our milk as it is :).
    Good luck,

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