Posted by: perchancetodream | August 18, 2009

Midlife Something

Many thanks for the birthday wishes on and off this blog as well as the good thoughts for our home study.

Although our SW was on vacation last week and I’m sure it’s going to take her a while to get the study written, I finally feel we’re moving forward.  At least somewhat. As such, we’ve finally filed our application with our placing agency. They still need to approve it, we’ll have more forms to fill out and then, once we get our home study, we can file our dreaded I-800A (the form that the US State Department needs to approve us for adoption).

As we go through this process – either a feast or famine of paperwork – Earth Mother from the placing agency is sending out information on waiting children.  Most are special needs to some extent but some have fallen within our perimeters.  Thankfully, none of the photos/reports have given me the feeling that “this child is the one”. If we had that feeling, in most cases, the child can be “held” for us. But we’re so far from having our dossier completed…I can’t stand the thought of a child just waiting there while we swim through these masses of paperwork and bureaucracy.

And as much as we want a child….there are a few things we need to take care of first so it’s all a bit of mixed feelings really.

One of the blogs that I follow (forgive me if it is yours, I don’t remember which one) recently asked the question “What first made you feel like an adult”. And I had to laugh when I read it.  I don’t own a house.  I don’t have a child.  And I guess those two things, for some reason, equal adulthood for me. So…not sure if I’ve gotten there yet.

Now I have to say that growing up as an only child, with only one parent from the age of 13 after my mother died, I was on my own a bit.  And, as my dad, and I had a strong and open relationship, I was given quite a bit of trust and freedom, which I was careful not to abuse. So perhaps the freedom that many people feel upon adulthood was something I’d had for a long time.  I’m not really sure.

But a few things struck me on my birthday this year.  I’m 44 and I’m still not sure what being “an adult” feels like. For some reason, this played into one of my birthday gifts as well.  Hubby bought me (at my request) a make-up lesson with the person who did my make-up for my photo shoot.  I never really learned how to put on makeup (thankfully I have pretty good skin, etc. and haven’t needed a lot).  I’m sure a lot of this has to do with my mother passing away.  My grandmother was a make-up fiend but I don’t know why she never taught me.  Perhaps because I was never interested?

I’m not sure what is prompting my interest now.  It isn’t that I’m looking so much older – I still find that people assume I’m in my early-mid 30’s. But it’s probably the same impetus that has me doing the South Beach diet again (phase 1 – no grains, sugars, fruit, etc…for 2 weeks) to try to finally rid myself of the 15 pounds gained in the fertility treatments.  Once we have a child, that child’s needs will take precedence over everything else.  Now is the time, I guess, for me to focus on myself while I can.

I always wanted to be a young parent but the opportunity never presented itself. I still think that it’s probably better, in many ways, for a child to have a younger parent.  And perhaps what we’re setting out to do is somewhat selfish.  We’ve gotten to live our lives as we chose and have hopefully learned enough to be better parents for it. At the very least, hopefully we won’t have those longings of “the life not lived”. If there is anything we haven’t accomplished, we have only ourselves to blame. Perhaps realizing that DOES make us adults.

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