Posted by: perchancetodream | August 11, 2009

The Elephant in the Refrigerator and other unresolved issues

Tomorrow I will be 44. That number doesn’t especially freak me out.  I don’t feel 44 or what I think 44 is meant to feel like.  People are still shocked to find out that I’m older than early 30’s.  The only person I can really pinpoint at 44 is my father.  When he was 44, I was 19 and in college.  Here I am at 44 in the early stages of pursuing an adoption.  The differences aren’t lost on me.  It’s a different time.  At least that’s what I tell myself! 🙂

The one area where my age does rear it’s ugly head is in terms of fertility.  Yes, we’ve moved on from that concept.  Well.  Mostly.  In the back of our fridge is a cooler bag with some just-expired follistim.  Lots of it. I’d planned on using it this spring for an unrecommended unmonitored cycle.  But the Repronex cycle screwed up my system so badly that it’s just getting back on track now.  It seemed like we should wait.  Now we’re looking at September or October.  Hubby and I don’t really talk about except when we need room in the fridge and he asks if we’re ever going to use or get rid of the bag and it’s contents.

I keep thinking I’ve moved on from trying to get pregnant.  To some extent I have.  I’m happy with the concept of adoption, however sad I am at the loss of the idea of having a biological child together. But I can’t help but keep an eye on my cycles, looking for signs of ovulation and planning accordingly.  And I’m acutely aware that using our now out-of-date stash will mean that it and our chances are gone.  I’ve closed the door but damn it’s hard to completely lock it.

And I realize all of the issues connected to it.  For instance…on my mother’s side of the family, I have four cousins. My mom was the oldest of 3 sisters and I’m close to my aunt who is in the middle. The youngest and I have been pretty much estranged for years.  I saw her my paternal grandmother’s funeral last year and we talked and caught up.  I gave her my email address and have heard nothing (she didn’t offer hers) which is pretty much how we ended up not speaking in the first place I think.  Anyhow, I’m pretty close the kids of my aunt, the middle sister.  At least we’re friends on Facebook and exchange the occasional email and offers of visits, etc.  I’ve had no contact with the two kids from my mom’s youngest sister. By choice.

Her daughter is about as close to a Jerry Springer guest as our family has.  Her brother….well, I just don’t really know him.  He was born two years after my mom died and named for her.  I have to admit to a bit of resentment as I’d hoped to name a child after her and remember being quite upset about it at the time. But I was already in high school when he was born and we never had much contact.

A few weeks ago I put up a family photo on FB, as a laugh for my cousins.  One of whom is HIS friend. I had a nagging feeling of guilt and so I friended him as well. It’s the kind of thing my mom would have wanted me to do.  I realize thought that I have lingering issues there. I have a relatively small family.  Hubby’s is larger but is 3500 miles away.  I’m worried about adopting a child and not even giving them a thriving adoptive family.

That’s probably pretty silly.  I don’t think that my cousin is going to really play any role in our child’s life.  But I think that getting older is making me look at our dwindling family tree in a different light.

The time-frame of this adoption 18-36 months from the submission of the dossier, is going to give me a lot of time to deal with things like this.  I wonder what my life will be like when this finally comes through though.  Yes, it will give hubby and I time to get out of debt, travel, get some stuff worked out and out of our system. But it also creates an odd sort of statis; a feeling of inhaling and….just waiting. And sometime in there, I guess I need to lock the fertility door for good so that I can walk through a new one.

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Responses

  1. Happy birthday! I hope the adoption process flies by and you have your child in your arms very soon.

    (here from lfca)

  2. happy birthday, and congrats on nearly being done with your home study!

  3. happy birthday!! (saw your news from LFCA). that’s exciting that you are moving forward with the adoption process. i hope everything continues to go smoothly.

  4. Happy Birthday!

    Families – they’re very difficult, aren’t they? You want the connections, but wonder if it’s worth the effort when you’re the only one trying. Good luck – your eventual little one won’t care how much extended family he/she has. It’s the immediate family that’s important.

  5. Happy birthday!

    And for what it’s worth, I don’t see any problem with wanting to have still a child from your body even as you journey towards your little boy or girl.

    Because, the funny thing is, your little girl or boy, though they may take another year to come to you, it’s going to be as if they were yours all along, and you’ve just wasted time waiting for them.

    I haven’t adopted, but…this is something I know. I feel it every time I think about adopting a child, or fantasizing about “just being given” a baby by someone who, naturally, we would still be in close contact with, but their baby would be ours…

    …ah well, that’s why they call them fantasies.


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