Posted by: perchancetodream | May 4, 2009

The Other Shoe

Last Friday was my last day at the crazy job.  I flew off to NYC for exactly the kind of weekend I wanted – frenetic, fun, relaxing, crazy.  I heard music, saw friends (seeing PeeSticksandStones in all of her pregnant glory was a trip), had a pedicure, ate tons of Chinese food, did a bit of shopping.  It was restorative.

Then I came back and spent most of my last few days of vacation trying to turn my home office into a work office.  Not easy.  Space considerations mean that I can’t use my home computer and so had to somehow adapt my required and not-as-high-spec-as-I’d-like laptop to do double duty.  I still haven’t learned to use the home phones I bought.  And I’m working hard to learn the new Nokia that I treated myself to in NYC (the phone I’d been using, which I love, is 5 years old.  Current SIM cards won’t even work in it.  Enough said).

I also worked in a few hours as a spa, a major concert, and some good food.  And today I started work back for my old company.

If I read down the tick list of the things I have in my life (hubby, friends, family, health, job security, flexibilty, etc….) all is well.

We’ve been splurging a bit now that hubby is gainfully employed and I’m back to my old salary and have ordered a “real” grill (not that I get it – a $10 grill and a bag of charcoal always made me happy but what do I know?). There are quite a few work things I need (lap top bag, headset for my phones), etc…and the call of sushi is always wispering in my ear.But we’ll buckle down.

Our first meeting with the social worker for our home study is next week and I’m excited (to be starting the process) and scared (of the paperwork and the complications of hubby being a UK citizen) of finally getting going.

The universe just can’t let me be though. I woke up in one of those fogs last night – the ones that sometimes bring me true insights and direction.  And what came to me was “You’re spending all this money on a grill, why not pop $150 or so on another IUI and see what happens?”

But that isn’t the voice I want to hear.  I don’t think that Dr. Ambitious’ idea of “more is better” is the way that my eggs work.  And even if I can talk him into doing a follistim cycle and only going for a few really good eggs…..I don’t know if I want to put my body through anymore.  Repronex seems to have done a number on me in many ways.

Then again, I can’t fathom the thought of throwing out the follistim in my fridge.  I WILL use it. So why not just go with a doctor who makes sure all the swimmers get in the right place?  Sigh….I don’t know.  I have a few months to think about it but….I want that door closed.  The thing is, I’m not sure if it currently is.

I’ve also just made a doctor’s appointment for our wonderful sweet dog. He’s just 5 and the most gentle animal you’ll ever meet.  Even for a Golden Retreiver.  But he’s purebread and came with some of the worst of his breed’s tendencies, healthwise.  At the age of 2 he was diagnosed with mass tumors.  We had 2 taken out of him.  He’s been fine for the last 3 years.  A few weeks ago, he had what looked like an inflamed bite.  It’s still there.  I’m pretty sure that the cancer is back even though I’m praying that I’m wrong.  He’s really too special to have to keep going through this.  It isn’t fair.

Life is always a balance, I guess, of good and bad.  Sometimes the swinging disorients me though.  Can’t it stop for just one minute?



  1. Hi.

    I’m just saying hello — I’ve been sparse in blogland lately but saw your post — its sounds like so many wonderful things that are happening in this post — perhaps its hard when you’re in it but as an observer watching — it seems as if you followed your heart’s direction and that things are coming together…about the closed door, it’s so difficult to know — when I was in the depths of decisions Deathstar was the one who told me to work through my fear — to just go past it, honor it but don’t let it deter me. It was wonderful advice — I can only attribute it to her though — I’m not that brave.

    I’m so sorry to hear about your dog…that breaks my heart — I hope it turns out to be nothing, or something easily treated.

    Wishing you that moment of gentle swaying that is balance —



  2. Man, I know all about the swinging back and forth. It’s been non-stop crap mingled with the good since….I can remember. I know that sounds REALLY whiny, but I don’t mean it like that. I just want to catch my breath.

    Hang in there. It WILL get better. It has to.

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