Posted by: perchancetodream | April 24, 2009

Tick…Tock….

In just a few hours I’ll be done with the job that could have been my dream job but was really just a huge pain in the neck.  My desk is packed up.  My tasks are completed (aside from the newsletter which I’ve agreed to do on a freelance basis).

Over the past 15 years or so, I’ve come to believe that things happen for a reason.  Taking this job got hubby out the big, bad city, for instance.  Had I gone to my then-boss and aske to telecommute she would have said “no” without a thought.  However, my 9 months away have changed her mind.  We’ve gotten exactly what I would have asked her for in the first place had I thought there was a chance that it would come to pass.

Although there were a lot of red flags apparently, I HAD to take this job, had to try it our or I’d have always wondered.  The job I’m going back to is interesting and has a lot of perks but I wouldn’t say that it fulfills my soul.  Leaving my current job though, will allow me to go back to my freelance work which DOES fulfill me that way.

I have no second thoughts about this move and for me that’s saying something.

As my reward to myself for the past two years which have included: too many IUIs to count, an IVF which saw us moving cross-country during the TWW, a 10-week miscarriage and at least 3 chemical pregnancies, not to mention this job and all of the associated stress, I’m going to NYC tomorrow.  I need the freedom of taking subways and readily available (and relatively cheap) cabs.  I need to overload on music and theatre and chinese food. I need to see PeeSticksandStones in her very pregnant state and really come to terms with it face-to-face.  Of course I’m deliriously happy for her.  I wouldn’t take this away from her for anything in the world.  I just want it too.  And I have faith that our time will come, although in a different way.

Most of all though, I need to feel the sense of freedom and exhileration that NYC always makes me feel.  I need to spend time with friends who know me so well that I never have to mince words.  I need to remind myself that I’m once again gainfully employed and while we are working to pay off the IF debt among other things and while adoption will bring it’s own costs, we have a workable plan to do that.  And I need to go back to being the relatively unguarded person that I’ve always been.  Being here, in a work situation that has put me constantly on the defensive and in a less-than-stellar place physically (mostly due to the side effects of various aspects of IF treatments), with casual friends rather than the type I’m used to surrounding myself with, has built up walls that I need to tear down.

When I get back from my trip, I’m going to attempt to rebuild my half of our office into something that I can work in full-time.  I’m going to rebuild this blog so that it displays the hope that I have in my heart. I’m going to get my body sorted out.  I’m going to work at tearing down the walls.  At FEELING again.  I miss me.

But first, I have three more hours to get through……

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Responses

  1. I’m so happy you are done with that job. And I admire your healthy perspective on this. And am SO jealous of your getaway to the city to see your friends. It’s going to be SO life giving!!!!

  2. living in downtown Chicago feels congested at times, but it also feels great to be a part of such a vibrant place ~Like being on a team with people who love food, subways and culture. Hope NYC treats you well and renews you.


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