Posted by: perchancetodream | February 17, 2009

Somewhere in Between

In response to a question (from my father no less)…..yes, I’m keeping this blog open.  It may change it’s tone and be more focused on adoption and reflection and trying to adjust to everything but hopefully, it will end up where I always dreamed it would – as a parenthood blog.

In the meantime…..I’m grateful that this weekend wasn’t the sobfest I was expecting.  I’m always much better when prepared in advance and I did know that this was coming.  Not that there were no hard moments.  I spent yesterday morning running some errands and decided to pop into the mall.  Really, this goes on my #1 list of places NOT to go on a legal holiday when you’ve just found out that your last ART cycle has failed.  TONS of small children everywhere.  Mostly blocking doorways and running around screaming and I have to admit that those kids don’t make my heart ache.  But with others it was a different story.

I survived though and came home to sort out my meds. I now have a huge box of needles and syringes to donate to the clinic.  I discarded the out of date vials of progesterone.  I sorted through my Follistim stash but didn’t bother to add things up.  I have enough to probably eek out one unmonitored but not crazy cycle and we’ll do that sometime before they expire this summer.

I do have a number of boxes of Repronex and some Heparin vials that I’d like to donate to someone without insurance.  If this is your protocal please drop me a line by commenting on this post and I’ll get back to you.

Anyhow, we had a very nice but somewhat sureal Valentine’s Day.  The last thing I wanted was to sit home all day on Saturday thinking so we headed out to a park we hadn’t been to and had a great walk with the dog.  Then home to go to a nearby restaurant that we’d been looking longingly at since we moved here but couldn’t really justify.  So we walk in promptly run into hubby’s hiring manager and his wife.  I was used to running into people in NYC but not here where we really know no one.  But we hung out with them for about an hour before we ate and found out that (among other things) they’d completed an international adoption recently. I don’t know the circumstances except that they have an older biological child.  Although the question was in her eyes, the wife thankfully didn’t ask if we had kids although she fished a bit. I’m always leery of mixing work and pleasure (okay, that’s going to come as a huge surprise to the very close friends of mine who read this blog and who used to be co-workers) but I guess what I mean is….this is hubby’s boss’s boss.  He’s been in his job for a week.  I just want to tred carefully, you know?  Anyhow….hopefully there will be further conversations and I can get all sorts of info when we need it.

Dinner was very nice after that and the tiny bar is probably the most interesting around.  It’s always nice to know where those are.

And so, aside from the fact that I’m so buried in work that I’m turning down freelance work that I really want to do (and get paid for)….I’m feeling a bit stuck in the middle.  We aren’t doing ART anymore but we haven’t moved on to adoption yet.  I’m not taking meds anymore but I don’t have my body back yet either (and oh how I want all of these fertility meds out of my system and how I hope that I can get  back to my “normal” weight). Hubby has his shiney new job but won’t get paid for a while and we’ve got bills to catch up on but I’m desperate to steal him away for a vacation. I’ve submitted out forest of medical bills to our tax guy but we don’t know if it will be enough to offset my freelance work.   I know that we need to get started finding an agency to get the home study under our belts but I haven’t had time to even begin the research.

I have a digital picture frame on my desk at work and seeing all of these photos of hubby and I over the past 7 years has really made me want to find a way to re-focus on us for a while – to be indulgent. I suppose that will be easier than it was while cycling – I won’t have to worry about having to be in town for clinic days, home for shots, when I can’t drink, when we must or can’t have sex.  I’m not sure how to get that mind-set back yet.  I know how to focus on him, on us.  But how do you stop being aware of every physical twinge and ache?  Every burp that is the cause of a fizzy drink rather than progesterone.

I thought that the adjustment would come from the loss of hope and opressive sadness.  And that will, I’m sure, hit at some point. But for now the adjustment is more mental: how do I move my thoughts?  How do I put my energies into these other areas?  What do I do with all of this knowledge that I didn’t used to have?



  1. Wanted to extend some support and understanding as you experience this surreal limbo state of moving from TTC to the next step on the path you choose. It’s disconcerting and more than a little hard to wrap your head and heart around … as I know from experience. Allow yourself some time to find your new footing and know that there will be some unpredictable emotions and a sense of decision paralysis. It’s only natural after all the effort you put into TTC.

  2. If no one else needs the Repronex – I would love to buy it from you. It costs $69 a vial at the clinic – so it gets really expensive really fast.

    It’s hard to believe – I have great insurance – but the state of Tennessee doesn’t require insurance companies to cover fertility treatments – so they don’t. It seems very unfair – but then again we all know life isn’t always fair.

    Good luck with whichever path your journey takes you!

  3. Hi there, I’m here through LFCA and wanted to let you know a couple of years ago, I was in your shoes. We adopted our daughter a year ago. (It was a domestic adoption, she was a year old at placement.) When we decided to discontinue IF treatment I was a little lost. I had put years of my life on hold and suddenly didn’t have anything to worry about. I used my time investigating different countries for international adoption and digging in my psyche to find out how I would feel with a biracial child and/or open adoption- new things to ruminate on since I didn’t have med protocols and ultrasounds eating up my time.

    Our first step in adoption was picking an agency. We attended some info meetings which were simply coffee and slideshow presentations in the evenings. (Actually going to meetings gave us a better understanding of an agency’s strengths than online research.) After selecting an agency, the ball started rolling and we simply began checking things off the homestudy list.

    Enjoy this peaceful time between endeavors. I’m looking forward to hearing how things unfold.

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