Posted by: perchancetodream | February 13, 2009

Tying Up Loose Ends

14/15 dpiui

As I gathered up my filled sharps containers this morning and prepared to leave for this rather pointless beta, I recognized what I was feeling.  It was the same way that I felt the morning of my grandmother’s funeral. My grandmother was 95.  I knew that she was going.  I had a lot of time to prepare.  But that didn’t make her passing any less sad.  I think about her every day and miss her in my life.

Likewise, I knew that this day would come.  Knew there would be a time when we would get off the infertility merry-go-round either because we were fortunate enough to get pregnant or because it just didn’t work. But that doesn’t make it any less sad.

I turned in my sharps containers, paid up my balance from all of the co-pays they somehow decided not to charge me when I was there.  Yesterday, I fielded a call from my insurance company wanting to know if I needed refills on my meds; hopefully they won’t call back.  I told the lab person that I was going to be in meetings all day; that I know that this beta will be negative and that the nurse should leave a mesage.  That I didn’t want to have to call back and deal with a live person.  She dutifully wrote the note down.  Hopefully they’ll follow those instructions.

I’d hoped to see my favorite nurse there and the office manager who has been so helpful (even before I moved) but as I was in so early, neither of them were there.  I need to write a note to Dr. Ambitious thanking him for going out on a limb for me.  It’s been a crazy ride with this clinic but I can’t say that he didn’t try or didn’t listen to my wishes or concerns.

I’m grateful that this is a long weekend and although I will allow myself to mourn tonight, I’m going to do my best to focus on tomorrow being Valentine’s Day.  I owe hubby a lot of attention after being so distracted for the past year in particular.  I have Monday off and to myself so I’m going to indulge myself  by getting my eyebrows waxed (harder to find and more expensive than it was in NYC), coloring my hair, making an indulgent dinner and catching up on some DVDs.

I’ll also sort through my remaining meds and see what is still in date and what I can give to someone who doesn’t have insurance.  Watch this space if you use/need Repronex or know someone who does.  I may have other meds but I’m not really sure at the moment. I’ll also look into my Follistim to see if I have enough for one random unmonitored cycle to take place at some point in the future.

Before I left this morning I moved two books about international adoption into my Ama.zon shopping cart and ordered them.  I’m part of their “Prime” club so I get my shipments in 2 business days.  While I was first disappointed to see that I wouldn’t get the books until Tuesday, I think that’s okay.  We aren’t going to start any process immediately.  And there are things we need to discuss.  It won’t matter that my next cycle is beginning next week.  I don’t need to know what day I’m on at all times.  That, on it’s own, is going to be a hard adjustment.

I WILL post the results of my beta after the call because I know that some of you wonderful friends and co-bloggers are crazy enough to be holding out hope for me.  And I thank you for that. As hubby said this morning, either way, I know that we gave it our all.  And at the end of the day, that will have to be enough.



  1. I have tears in my eyes right now and my throat is tight — I will hold out hope until the very last — because I suppose, regardless of what it seems, I am a hopeful girl.

    My love to you. I hope you feel it across the distance.



  2. Sending hugs your way. Been there, done that.

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