Posted by: perchancetodream | February 13, 2009

Cold Comfort

For once the clinic followed instructions and left a message.  I had my phone on silent but as it sat on my desk, I saw it light up. Light. Dark. Light. Dark.  I didn’t even have to look to know it was the clinic.

Thankfully or not, I’ve had an insanely crazy day at work.  Which mirrors what the next month is going to be like for me.  I promised myself I wouldn’t check the message until I’d finished editing a catalog I just found out today that I needed to write text for and that needs to go out today.

I had my headphones on to drown out the chatter of one of the very pregnant nannies that frequents our office to watch the boss’s kids.  She was talking about how she could feel her baby kicking.  One of my young but baby-obsessed co-workers was asking if she could put her hand out and feel it.  Goth played loudly drowns out a lot.  The same music I listened to after 9/11 actually.  The only band I could stand to listen to at the time.

I was suprised at the lump in my stomach. The type of lump that is caused by getting ones hopes up.  I don’t know why it was there.  I had no doubt about the result of this, our last cycle.

I finished my writing.  Emailed it off.  Went into the bathroom and turned on the fan – this is what masquerades as privacy here.

The message was from my favorite nurse.  She was sorry, blah, blah, blah…..she listed the meds that they wanted me to stop taking: progesterone, heparin, prednisone, delestogen, prometrium.  She said to continue the asperin/folic/pre-natals and come in with hubby to meet with the doctor.

For some reason, they seem in denial about us being at the end of this road.

I came back to my desk.  Emailed hubby.  Emailed the doctor.

And found out that all the writing I’d done was for an old version of the catalog.  I’d been sent the wrong piece and the materials had changed.  Yeah, pretty much figures.

I have a bottle of over-priced wine waiting for me at home.  It really isn’t a fair trade for the hopes of having a biological child.



  1. You’re absolutely right – it’s not fair! I’m so sorry. I’m glad you have a long weekend coming up and will have some time to pamper yourself and work through everything. I’m on my first Clomid cycle right so I’m just at the beginning of this process but I don’t feel very hopeful and can identify with a lot of your clinic, insurance, etc frustrations. If you and hubby decide to go the adoption route, I hope it’s smoother and easier. You definitely deserve it!

    Be well,

  2. I am so sorry. I have been following your journey for the last couple of months (in fact, from your descriptions, I think there’s a good chance we use the same clinic). I just has my first IUI last month (clomid & repronex) – it didn’t take. When my beta came back negative earlier this month – I was holding out hope yours would be more successful. Motherhood is an amazing and worthwhile destination – regardless of the road you take to get there. So be patient – give yourself time to grieve – and then figure out what comes next,

  3. sorry about the tradeoff. those tests and callbacks seem so cruel.

    as does working in your office with a pregnant nanny. (at least, on that last part, it is friday.)

    wishing you some peace, but I know right now it all just sucks big time.

  4. That really, really sucks. I was hoping you were wrong!

    I’ll be thinking of you this weekend…

  5. Sweetie I’m damned sorry.

  6. I’m so sorry.

  7. I’m sorry about your news. I just had my second IUI. 12piui my hcg was at 10.5. 14dpiui it was at 13.5. Clearly it didn’t double so I’m thinking chemical pregnancy. Same thing happened last cycle. *sigh* I understand your diappointment and wish the best for you and your husband. I love your blog, too, by the way. You’re a great writer!

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