Posted by: perchancetodream | February 12, 2009

Of Kids and Their Kids

CD 13/14

I had a dream a few weeks ago about some kids I used to babysit for.  They lived next door when I was in high school and they were wonderful (at about 7 and 3 or thereabouts) .  Their parents actually weren’t a heck of a lot older than I was (about 10 years old than I was and about 10+ years younger than my parents) and were definitely on the liberal side of things. With the exception of one New Year’s Eve that made me promise to myself that I’d never spend the holiday alone watching the ball drop on TV again (the kids of course were asleep), I loved sitting for them and the always told me that I was their favorite.

I was heartbroken when they moved out of state.  I visited them once after college as I was moving to that state too but then never saw them again.  After my dream, I started looking for them.  I learned some very interesting things about the paths that the parents lives took and learned that the mother had sadly died last year.  In her obituary I found her daughter’s married names and have just become friends with the older on on  Both she and her sister have children – her sister’s daughter looking EXACTLY the way I remember the sister looking as a toddler.  Creepy.

I’m not sure if I should be more creaped out than I am.  After all, everyone has kids now.  Even people I think of as being 7 years old.

For myself, I’m very mindful of the lasts I’m dealing with:  The last shots being given tonight, the last beta tomorrow.  Yes, there is of course always the chance of something randomly happening naturally (I’ve heard that people DO have babies without doctor’s being involved!), and there is still the chance of a cycle using up my follistim and gaining some more room in the fridge.  But cycling will no longer be the focus of so much of my thinking.

Although I thought I’d want to take some time off to mourn this cycle (and all the ones before it) – and I will be picking up a large bottle of wine today so that I’m prepared for tomorrow night – I’m finding that I don’t.  The mourning will happen in it’s own time.  I’ve actually tripped across what I think our next step is.  I haven’t had a chance to discuss it with hubby yet, so I’m not going to go into it here.  But it feels right.  To me at least.  We will get our finances sorted out and redefine the way we spend our time without runs to a clinic and shots to be given and things that must be done and can’t be done and then, hopefully we’ll forge ahead.

Which brings me to one more thing.  I’m never really sure who reads this blog.  I know a few real life friends and relatives who do.  And there are blog friends like Pam and Oro and Calliope and Becky and Angela (among others)  who have somehow managed to stick by me in all of this and keep reading even as they’ve traveled – and continue to travel – their own journies.  And there is PeeSticksandStones who has crossed from the bounds of my computer into my real life and has become one of my biggest support systems. And to all of you, I want to say a huge and heartfelt “thanks”.  Your comments and support have helped more than you can imagine.

I’m hoping that you all stick around and bring your friends.  Our journey may take a different path than many of you have been fortunate to take.  But it is by no means over.  The dream continues.



  1. I’m always around, even if I can’t comment. I’ve not had much good to say, but you know what? I’m sure you know how it goes.

    I’m sorry the cycle may be a bust. I’ve been thinking of you a ton.


  2. You are so sweet to mention me. I’m not going anywhere. And am excited to hear about your new path, or…. that this cycle turned out better than you thought.

  3. Has anyone done the bloodwork on you for recurrent pregnancy loss? Your situation seems similar to mine at a glance (though glances are surely unfair when going through all of this)-I had my done and as it turns out I have a clotting issue that attacks the embryo…so now I have been on Lovenox and it worked instantly. I have 2 children struggling like you know what for our 3rd. After miscarriage after miscarriage…I was amazed, no more chemical pregnancy. I know 6 other women who all have had this same thing happen. Now, I miscarried at 8 weeks not due to anything on my end…Trisomy 15…but in a sad strange infertility sort of way it was nice to know my body did something it was supposed to do. Let me know if you need the list of labs they did. My husband is a doctor and he was given the list from a friend of his who is an infertility doc in Iowa who has been using Heparin and Lovenox. I am sorry for your losses. My heart aches for you and I am sending you a huge hug.

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