It is 72 degrees out as I write this. In February. Anyhow, I’m blaming the temperature, the fact that we bought a Jeep (which is much easier to drive than I was expecting) this weekend, that hubby went to his new job orientation this morning, and that I finally don’t feel like I’m on death’s door from this killer cold for this completely unexplainable good mood I’m in.
Okay, I mean I’m not flying off the rafters and leaping in joy but…..I’m not currently as depressed as I think I should be given the futility of this cycle (not to mention the length that it takes to get a shot of 2.5ML of progesterone mixed with .5 of delestrogen – really, I mean I could read a chapter of an average book while waiting for hubby to finish the shot).
And I’m sure that this will all come crashing down following the beta on Friday.
But while we were walking around on Saturday, I had a very clear moment of peace. I don’t think I can give up the dream of a biological child. I mean, I just don’t know how to do that. But at the same time, I’m so physcially tired from these over-medicated cycles that I’m just relieved to think of them ended. Of reclaiming my body and getting back in shape and getting a little breathing room from all of this. I want to have my period sneak up on me without my counting the days (will I ever really go back to that blissful ignorance?); I want to share a bottle of wine with hubby or sit in a hot tub or not worry that I’ll be out of town on a day that I need to be here to get to the clinic. I want to get our bills paid off and stop spending large amounts of money on insurance that I can’t use because the one lab girl is out of town.
I know that we’re about to venture into another type of world that comes with its own obstacles. I know little about the process of adoption although I’m very close to a surprisingly large number of adoptees and I hope that I can learn from their experiences. I know that Friday is going to be hard. And I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t have hope in my heart of this cycle – or any natural cycle in the future – working. I’m a crazy kind of optimist by nature. In my mind I still see the picture of a little girl who looks like hubby (well, at least like his nieces!) and I. And I don’t think I’ll be able to let that go until I’m well past menopause. But I think I’m ready to admit that we’ve tried. And to make my peace with that as much as can be done.
In the meantime, I’m POAS daily. But we’ve also made Valentine’s Day plans that I’m looking forward to. I’ll need to mourn. But then I’ll need to move on. And get excited again.