Posted by: perchancetodream | August 3, 2008

Seeking Holy Grail: All interested, please apply

I meet with my new clinic for a consult on Tuesday.  For some reason they’re telling me that this appointment will take 2.5 hours.  WHAT?  My iniital appointment in NYC was about 35 minutes.  I know the drill, my history, can receite my FSH readings from all of my cycles.  My IVF didn’t take 2.5 hours what in the world do they have planned for me?

I’m honestly curious about that.

But other than that, I’m having a hard time working up much enthusiasm. Part of the reason is probably from the fact that AF is late (3 days so far), which rarely happens to me (and no, I’m not pregnant). I’m sure this is related to the chemical that followed my IVF.  One last “gotcha” from the procedure as I wait to get the next phase on the road.

I haven’t stopped wanting a biological child but I’m afraid that I’ve started subsconsiously buying into all the negative statistics that people have been throwing at me about IUIs at my age.  And as my 43rd birthday is a week later, it’s all wrapped up together.

There is a part of my brain that is thinking “okay, let’s get through this and get on to adoption” even though I don’t know that adoption is going to work out for us for many reasons (time and money being the more prominent two). And that I can’t even explore the idea until hubby finds a job.  I need an attitude adjustment.  I need to buy into this meeting at the clinic and BELIEVE that they will be my holy grail.  But I’ve already done that and it didn’t turn out that way.

Coincidentally, or not, we are down to packing away pretty much the last box. It is the one I packed away my pregnancy books in.  I can’t stand to look at them in the bookcase so what is this box still doing on the floor?  I don’t even have to see the bookspines to know what’s in it….it’s like it radiates out to me with the failure of my body.

All is not bleak.  I’m not moping through my days. But between the lack of AF, the meeting, and my birthday, I’m having trouble getting excited about much of anything.



  1. wow, curious what they’ll do for 2.5 hrs!? hoping you get some good advice. I can see why you’d be hesitant to put much faith in the IUIs. are they medicated to increase your odds at least?

    also wanted to wish you a very happy birthday!

  2. Hi Luna –

    The plan is for Follistim IUIS (covered by my COBRA insurance).

    Thanks for the birthday wishes. Thankfully, I still have 8 days left to go! 🙂

  3. I wish I had some words of comfort for that place you’re in — the one I know so well — for me it’s a sort of in between place — I’ve left behind the breathless hope I’d had in various procedures — I have half a mind on the alternatives and the other half worrying over what it is I do on this path ahead right now.

    I actually didn’t mind follistim and the IUI’s — this was before the last few doses and before a diagnosis of pcos — which is what ultimately nixed the follistim/IUI route for me.

    I had an intake of over an hour and it was kind of nice — I felt like the doctor was trying to get to know us …I’ll be interested to hear what happens.

    And happy birthday in advance…I hope you’re settling into your new surroundings!



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