Posted by: perchancetodream | July 17, 2008

Calm or Storm?

It’s been quiet here in PerchancetoDream blogland while I try and mull over these choices, none of which are good or feasible or feel right.

It’s possible that the choices might be made because I wait too long and they get made for me.  There is a weak part of me that almost relishes that.

But before I get into that and lose all of you to blogs more interesting, I thought I’d do a little update about my move/job.

Work is starting to go well i.e., I’m starting to figure out what I’m meant to be doing and how to do it.  Currently I’m researching all sorts of things, sorting out an editorial calendar, learning a lot in the process. My boss, much like my old one, is overloaded and therefore likes to hire people and throw them in the deep end.  So I have more latitude than I really think I deserve at this point but that’s worked for me in the past so hopefully, I can focus enough to get something impressive done.

The brake problem on my car has been fixed, not by the $500-quoting garage but for free by the guy who sold it to me, who also said that we didn’t need 90% of what the garage told us we did.  And that was with hubby taking the car in – I can only imagine what they would have charged me had I taken it in.

I have a huge love/hate relationship with where we’re living.  Well, not hate.  But I wish I lived someplace with real public transport.  Where we can go to dinner without a mile walk.  Where we can go out for a few drinks and take a bus/train/cheap cab home.

But on the plus side, the area is beautiful.  I love the fact that every house is different.  I can’t actually figure out the demographic of our neighborhood.  College professors? Music execs?  We live in one of the few townhouses in the area.  The rest range from small country-style cottages to large stone houses with sprawling rose gardens.  On the days that I walk to work, I love to try different paths just because each block has at least one or two houses that captivate me. I wonder if we’ll end up buying here.  I keep thinking that when people come to visit, they’ll be impressed.  That’s not a reason for anything but having lived in Queens (although in a very large and interestingly laid out apartment), the abundance of trees and “neighborhood” is pretty impressive.

Strangely, our dog, who had a vertiable fan club in NYC has met no one.  Not a person, not a dog.  And I think he’s depressed about it.  I let him out in the yard in the morning instead of walking him.  When we take him out at night, there is no one on the streets at all. Somehow, we have to find a way to meet people both for him and for us.

But what’s consuming me right now is some sort of nasty sinus virus that makes me want to go to sleep around 2pm every day and that doesn’t let up until I do – giving me about 6 useful hours a day.  And this looming life-defining decision about where to go on the fertility front.

There are 2 weeks left in July.  Two weeks (why is it ALWAYS 2 weeks???) left to keep my very expensive but IUI-covering COBRA insurance.

I was pretty much ready to do that – do IUIs for 6-8 months for only slightly more than one IUI would cost without insurance.

But the odds my doctor gave me – of 5-8% – for success just make that $700/month expense seem like a vast indulgence.  Honestly, I don’t know where this number is coming from.  I know that I’m at the upper end of the age group for fertile women at almost 43.  But my last FSH was 7.1 and my MIS (test for ovarian reserve) was good. I’m a good responder to the meds.  So what gives?

The pragmatic part of me says that we shouldn’t do anything until hubby is working.  But then we’ll have missed the COBRA boat and will only have the options of one $4K IUI or one $10K IVF or adoption and it’s costs.

If I had unlimited funding, I’d do a few more IVFs.  If hubby was working and I could estimate our income, I’d take COBRA and do IUIs for a few more months.  If those didn’t work, we’d gear up and head to adoption.

As it is….we have neither and I don’t know if I have enough faith in the universe left to pretend that we do.

Once again, my horoscope guy gets it right:

Here is your forecast for Leo – Friday, July 18 2008
‘I say, I say, I say. I call my dog Isaiah.’ ‘Why do you call your dog Isaiah?’ ‘Because, one eye’s higher than the other!’ Boom boom! In a way, though, by this criteria, we are all Isaiahs. Have you ever played that game where you half cover a photo of someone’s face? Look at their right side. Then look at their left. Two dramatically different characters reveal themselves. You can’t be in complete agreement about everything, but this weekend you must resolve a conflict that is tearing you in two.

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Responses

  1. Seriously?! I’m so not into horoscopes, but I’d love to see what this guy would say for me. How do I get the hook up?

  2. I too am in infertility limbo-land — what struck me was the beginning of your post about ‘feeling right” — that is what I struggle with — I have to believe that at some level we each individual have a sense of what’s right for us — what direction to go — and yet, I’ll be damned if I know where that is for me now… like you I fear that the waiting forces my hand and I wonder if that’s what I’m doing…

    So many stressful things in your life — moving and work…I hope you’re treating yourself to nice baths or something!

    And your new neighborhood sounds beautiful — I have the trifecta of awful: no public transpo, no charm, nothing but chain stores as far as they eye can see.

    ICK.

    XO

    Pam

  3. wishing you some clarity as you sort through these tough issues.


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