Posted by: perchancetodream | July 9, 2008

Abandoned Beta

I went to the local clinic for my “seeing if it is back to zero” beta. The differences between it and my own clinic, the one I’ve been going to in NYC, we striking if not really important.

First I had to drive but left quite early so that I could get lost without disturbing the normal Nashville traffic patterns. I got lost once but that was down to a left turn lane that really went somewhere else but the GPS bailed me out.

The clinic, which is in a medical center, reminded me of a doctor’s office designed by a hotel chain. Dark wood, floral upholstery, smiling blond receptionist. The waiting room would hold about 15 people, quite a change from what I’m used to, but I was the only one there.

My orders had been faxed from my NYC clinic. The nurse called me in but bristled when I asked her to use a butterfly on my thin, rolly veins. “I don’t know how to use those very well.”  ARGH!  She did fine though. And I was sent on my way. But not before asking innocently what their charge for IVF was.  I was shocked to hear a response several thousand dollars above the cost in NYC.  Isn’t New York the most expensive place in the world? (And honestly, the sucess rates at my old clinic are so much higher than this place that they should really be ashamed to be charging so much!).

I still haven’t heard from NYC even though it is now pretty much closing time for nurse call backs.  I feel as though I’ve been abandoned.  My doctor hasn’t replied to anything.  I can’t get my blood results. I don’t know where this is heading.

What’s gotten me through this whole process is that I knew the next step.  I was able to think through the other options and IVF was always the holy grail of this process even though I knew it wouldn’t work.  But I always counted on having the rest of the grant to use. And now I don’t.

I’m taking on a lot of freelance work.  Hubby is looking for a job.  But the thought of paying for IVF out of pocket at then considering adoption is just too much on top of our current debt, unless something major happens (anyone know the winning lottery numbers???).

I really am trying to settle into our new place.  The job will, I think, turn out to be something good even if I can’t afford to stay here in the long run.  I’m hoping that hubby and I, who seem to be in a strange disconnect at the moment which is probably mostly due to my frame of mind, can find each other again.

I want to be happy.  I know that before I actually thought I COULD have a baby, that was possible.  But now? I think it still is.  I’m just not sure how to get there.



  1. I would track down a nurse at your old office, doctors can be notoriously hard to reach.

    hope you and hub rediscover each other soon.

  2. wishing you luck as you and your hubby try to reconnect. it’s a difficult time for both of you. sometimes it takes time. stick with it. try help each other through the emotion. communication is the key, but can be the hardest thing to do.

  3. I”m so behind on blog reading — but please, please know you are not alone.

    I just wanted to say hello…and I’ll catch up on my reading….and be back.

    *deep sigh*


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