Posted by: perchancetodream | July 8, 2008

Looking for the Path

Tomorrow I drive (!) to a clinic on the other side of town to make sure that my beta is at zero. I can’t believe that it isn’t.  Every single symptom is gone and my heavy period has ended.

My clinic has also told me that they can’t approve me for the 2nd cycle of my grant because I’m no longer a permanent resident.  I’ve tried everything I can but they won’t/can’t budge.

Almost more disturbing to me is that Dr. Celebrity hasn’t replied to my e-mail of last week which I resent via his assistant yesterday. In it I asked him if we should persue IUIs or unmonitored clomid cycles should the grant not be an option.  Despite his offer to always be of medical assistance and to give advice, he hasn’t responded.

I feel very alone.

I don’t really know what to do.  I’m just a month short of my 43rd birthday. I’m in a holding pattern until hubby gets a job here but I want to have a plan in place. But I don’t know what that plan is.

In more mundane news, I’ve bought a car.  Not new, has a million miles but it runs and I like the way it handles (or doesn’t). My job is interesting.  I know a good solid 50% of what needs to be done from the get-go.  The other 50% is alien to me but I’ll sort it out.  I work with a group of very smart, talented people who like to brainstorm so this should be fun.

That being said, I spent part of the day literally locked in a room with a toddler. I share my office with a close co-worker, an intern and my co-worker’s (and eventually my) assistant who is also Mr. Company Owner’s older daughter. The toddler and his 6 year-old sister are their kids.  They are there a lot. In their playroom 2 doors down from my office and sometimes IN my office. I haven’t broached the topic with Mr. and Mrs. Company Owners yet because what could I say? But Older daughter knows and was filled with questions which I tried to answer in as detached a way as I could.  She’s a good egg but only 21 and has no idea.

The heat here is amazing.  I walked the 2.5 miles to work today and was completely melting by the time I got there.  But it felt good to have that time to myself to just keep moving. I’ve missed that.

Thankfully, I’m going to be doing some freelance work for my old company so I need to begin on that next week. I also have another freelance assignment that might be starting the same time.  We haven’t even unpacked yet. I have problems saying no to paying work when I know that we need the money but I also think that I’m trying to fill my brain to keep me from dwelling on this seeming lack of options. It isn’t really healthy for me and I need to stop.  Decide if we’re going to do anything further medically. Buy some books on adoption.  Move forward in whatever direction seems to work.

Otherwise, I’m afraid that I’m going to wake up at 45 and still be where I am now.  Only without hope.  I’m trying to hold on to the remaining shreds I have right now.



  1. still can’t believe you’re managing a new job with a new move and everything else going on. there’s no way I’d be able to work in that playroom. hope the rest is working out ok. lots of transitions, so it’s natural to feel so unsettled.

  2. I’m not much of an advice person, especially with my current mindset, but I wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you.

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