Posted by: perchancetodream | July 5, 2008

Blood, White, and Blue

Sorry….probably a downer of a post ahead.

The good stuff first:

  • We made it safely to Nashville
  • The animals made it safely to Nashville
  • So far all of our stuff made it safely to Nashillve (except for 3 broken glasses).  There are some boxes left to unpack but so far this is good and the electronics made it in one piece which is always a plus!
  • The movers stuck to budget which shocks me more than anything!
  • Our back deck is gorgeous and as we unpack I’m feeling very adult for some reason (not a bad thing to feel at 42 but still its nice to live someplace with central air/heat, no roaches, REAL grocery stores, etc…)
  • We’ve met 2 neighbors so far.  The early 30’s guy next door and the older woman down the block who is a total trip.  You know, the woman in the area who knows what EVERYONE is doing.  That’s her.
  • The animals are mostly settling in. The cat i choosing to use our tub instead of the litter box but we’ll get her sorted out.
  • The firepit and BBQ work!
  • We’ve started the car search (check back to see if this falls in the “good” column or the “bad” column

On the flip side…………I’m depressed to the point that I can only attribute it to a hormonal crash. The AF/early miscarriage/oozing has been going on for 3 days now and I can’t help but realize that our much-loved embryos are floating away in it all.

None of the IUIs affected me this way – I guess I just had really high hopes for this first (last?) IVF.

Most frustratingly, there has been no reply from either the billing department of my clinic or Dr. Celebrity. Billing has to let me know if I can use the other half of my grant now that I’m technically not living there. Dr. Celebrity needs to answer my e-mail about unmonitored clomid cycles and/or more IUIs.

The lack of direction is making me insane. I need to know our next steps. Do I research adoption?  Get on the schedule for another IVF? Research clinics here? I don’t do well in limbo and with my 43rd birthday looming next month, I deel the passage of every moment.

I know that hubby is disappointed at my less-than-gleeful demeanor of late.  I wish that I felt differently too. There are just too many unanswered questions for me right now.

And one thing I’ve been trying hard not to acknowledge is that next week would have been our due-date from the pregnancy in October.  We were never given a firm date but that’s what the calculators said.  I promised myself that I wouldn’t let myself get attached to this – there were chromosomal issues so there was really no other way for things to end.  But it really is hard to walk past the kids section of stored knowing that we’d be buying last minute things, setting up a nursery.

Monday I need to face my new bosses and their questions about whether this worked and, harder, their children in the office.  I don’t know how to prepare myself for it. But I have to find a way. For now I have 2 more days of boxes and fireflies and wine to take my mind off it all.



  1. wow, you’ve got a lot going on. best of luck recovering and settling in…

  2. There’s very little one can say or do to comfort you. After my second failed IVF, I had to sink into myself for a while before being able to make a decision on what to do next. I guess the only advice (if you want any!) I can offer is to take some time to let things settle. Even if it is just a month or two. Try not to put pressure on yourself to figure things out all at once — especially with all that you have going on. Maybe you need to mourn this a little bit before making your next decision. Hope you are feeling better.

  3. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. It looks like you have a lot on your plate. I hope you settle in to the new house and the new job well. Take care of yourself.

  4. I recommend you email your new boss, to avoid having to tell them in person. But, I’m all into avoidance and stuff.

    Try to be easy on yourself, and give yourself time to grieve. Every month that you don’t have a BFP is a loss.

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