Posted by: perchancetodream | June 30, 2008

Too Many Endings at Once


Today is beta #2. But in all honesty, starting with a beta of 15 doesn’t give me hope for anything.  Yes, I’ve read the 6 or 7 posts of people who HAVE had similar first betas and have gone on to have actual children. But that’s 6 or 7 out of the whole internet which is a low enough percent for me not to expect anything other than a chemical from this.

Which doesn’t really explain why I bought 2 FRERs yesterday and used one to get a light (not faint line).  FRERs are evil and way too sensitive. They just feed into my self-destructive behavior….

I DO thank all of you for your kind and supportive comments. It’s very nice to know that people I’ve never even met are pulling for us and it makes this all a little less lonely.

So I’m waiting for the nurses’ call which I’ll probably let go to voicemail because I really just don’t want to have the conversation.

Yesterday the movers came and cleared out out apartment.  They were there for 5.5 hours.  We are left with the few things we’re taking with us, an aerobed and a very confused dog and cat.

It is hard not to equate the empty apartment with my empty(ing) uterus. Everything just feels vacant.

I’m trying hard to figure out why everything feels like an ending instead of a new beginning.  I’ve moved states (and countries) before so it isn’t like this is new to me.  I think the specter of this failed IVF, my fear that we won’t have a chance for another round, my husband’s reluctance to move into adoption (he’s willing to do so for me but not interested in it otherwise), and the general stress of moving from someplace I’m otherwise happy in are just getting intertwined.  I DO know intellectually that there will be great aspects to this move.  I just can’t emotionally connect to them.

My co-workers will be saying goodbye to me today complete with an ice-cream cake and hubby and I will go to one or two of our favorite places tonight where I will either be indulging in some evil combination of sangria and sake or confusedly abstaining. The one thing keeping me together is that I know that one way or another I’ll come back to NYC, even if it isn’t to live. (If we do another IVF, it will be here and I’ll probably have a conference or two to attend for work).

If any of you co-bloggers live in Nashville, I’d love to hear from you once this all sinks in and I actually accept that we’re moving tomorrow 🙂



  1. thinking of you today & hoping today’s test yields a more concrete answer. (((hugs)))

  2. *hugs*

    Hoping for a better answer today.

  3. Thinking of you!!

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