Posted by: perchancetodream | June 27, 2008

The World Holding Its Breath

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At least mine is.

My beta is tomorrow.  My last day of work is Tuesday and we leave town right after.

I’m uneasy and unsettled.  I feel like I’m in the midst of a swirling cloud of questions:

Will my beta be positive? If so will it be a viable pregnancy? If so will I be a good mother (you know, the kind that all the other kids’ friends like….I was fortunate that my dad was like that and I hope that I would be as good).

Will this new job work out or will I kill my new boss in the first week (a distinct possibility as his lack of planning and organization is already making me insane)? Will I be able to pay off my debt on this salary? Will hubby find a good job. If we have a child will he realize that part-time childcare isn’t a horrible thing if it means he can work and keeps us from declaring bankruptcy?

Will I grow to like Nashville? Will our marriage thrive or flounder there? We seem to do best in places where I’ve got a firm base of operations (job, friends, life in general).

I had a few hours to myself last night and decided to get a hair cut and walk around a bit. I did wander but not enough to properly say goodbye to New York. This city has been able to get me through a lot of hard times; I am different here than I am anywhere else.  In a good way. I’ve been ticking things off my “places we have to go to again before we leave”.  Some of them we’ve skipped because sitting in a dark bar just isn’t so much fun if you can’t drink (why am I always in the midst of a cycle when I most want to be able to go out?). But it’s hard to capture a city in isolated places.

The last time I left New York, to move to England and marry hubby, I didn’t know if I’d be back. Having had the chance to live here for a few more years has made leaving all the harder.  I know that there are things to look forward to (with luck, there will be pregnancy to look forward to which should do a nice job of distracting me!). But for now I’m trying to find a way to walk away from here without it hurting so much and I’m failing.

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Responses

  1. wishing you well with the beta and the big move. huge week for you. change is hard, but it can also be good. take good care.

  2. Ohhh. Yes . I am feeling some of these same thoughts on this front.

    Good luck! With beta especially! 😀

    M y hubby lived in Nashville pff and on for a long period of time . He says it is a beautiful , very friendly , laid back city. Lots of culture too.

    When he lived there, he was very involved in homeless issues and URban United Methodist ministries.

    I believe once you get there, you;ll love it. If my hubby didn’ t have so many ghosts there, I might consider living there myself.


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