Posted by: perchancetodream | June 13, 2008

The Day Before

So far the phone has not rung.  And that’s a good thing.  The clinic will only call if my body isn’t absorbing the HCG that my husband so dutifully (and expertly, I might add!) injected me with last night (bribing him with gummy bears didn’t hurt either).

And so for once, no news is good news and if the call never comes we’ll trek off to the clinic tomorrow for a 10.30am retrieval.

I’m home today, trying to do a weekend’s worth of packing, finally sign the contract with our moving company, and generally otherwise be productive and make up for the fact that I’m going to be laying on the couch for the next 2 days.

This is our first IVF.  It might be our only one and we talked last night about how at least closure would be better than this ever-present unfulfilled hope that drains us emotionally, physically, and financially.

My feelings are balled up and complex.  I want this to work – however frightened I am about finances and my new job, I want this to work. I want a baby that is part me and part my husband.  I want to give him that gift. I want to give it to myself.

There have been times in the process of trying to sort out this job/move fiasco that I’ve really though about not going through with this and charging headlong into adoption. Moving, letting my husband find a job, sorting out our finances while filling in paperwork and choosing agencies. But I know that I’d regret not taking this chance now that it has been offered.  And I don’t want adoption to be an “easy out” because I know that it would be neither easy, nor an “out” and it shouldn’t be.  It should be something we desire in and of itself.

I think about what will happen if the call on Sunday is bad – that none of the eggs fertilize.  That they don’t grow.  That they are a chromosomal mess ( a distinct possibility). I try to figure out how I’ll get through that. At the same time, I try to figure out how I’ll deal with good eggs that produce no baby.  Or that I miscarry again.

Thinking about actually having a successful pregnancy is harder.  Not at all unpleasant but rather like imagining wandering through the woods and meeting a unicorn. Lovely but the stuff of dreams. But I’ve used my acupuncture appointments this cycle to try to envision it nonetheless (the baby, not the unicorn).

My biggest fear is summed up in this beautiful post by Sharah. I don’t even know if I should have read it today, the day before this first (possibly only) retrieval. At the same time, I know that I need to face that fear.

I would like to go to sleep and wake up in 3 weeks to find out how this all plays out.  I would like time to stop so that I could sort it all out in my head before getting swept up in these waters.  I can have neither.  But I have today.

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Responses

  1. Good luck tomorrow!! I am keeping everything crossed that you get lots of eggs and some beautiful embryos. 🙂

  2. Thanks for sharing the link to Sharah’s blog. I enjoyed her image of the fertility ferry.

  3. Good Luck! I really hope this cycle works for you! NCLM

  4. Good luck to you with this cycle. I can’t wait to hear how it turns out.

    I love the bit about imagining walking through the woods and meeting a unicorn. That pretty much sums up where I am at, too.

    My thoughts are with you today.

  5. Hope that the ER went well.

  6. Best wishes for all you can hope for! It is scary when hoping must be so cautious, it should be a wonderful, positive feeling. I feel for you.
    As you wrote, adoption is something that must be felt in your heart, your heart’s desire to be a parent. She (or he) won’t be your adopted daughter, she will BE your daughter. You will be a great mommy!

    Alyson LID 01/27/06 (IA China)
    NCLM

  7. Here from NCLM … and wishing you the very best news w/ this IVF. YOu have so much going on right now. I wish you joy and peace along your journey.

    Andie

    Ps. I like the style of your wordpress page – mine is the same one!

    Pps. A part of my heart still believes in unicorns …


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