Posted by: perchancetodream | April 10, 2008

Riding the Waves

13/12 dpiui

It doesn’t matter how many blogs I read about people getting a BFP on day 13, 14, 15 or 20. It’s just not happening for me this cycle. I know that it’s been a strange cycle all along – with the out-of-the-blue natural surge, the amazing (for us) sperm samples, the back-to-back iuis but there were still days when I had hopes. Ah well……

I’m now focusing on the fact that I have a consult with a new acupuncturist next week. I liked my other acupuncturist as a person and she’s really close to my office. But I’m running out of time and need to pull out the stops. This new acupuncturist (cute name to come later) is also an MD, trained in China, specializes in infertility and has been written up in the New York Times. AND he’s cheaper than my other one, even though she was subsidized by my insurance and he isn’t.

It feels odd to be on the cusp of taking a month off. I never really understood the infertility burn-out that I read about in so many blogs. How could you possibly want to take a month off when that could be the month that it actually worked?

Okay, so I’m not totally taking time off. I really want to immerse myself in acupuncture, horrible tasting herbs, whatever, in hopes that the next medicated cycle is IT. But it feels strange not to at least be doing a natural IUI cycle.

I just need time though. I’m sick as a dog and need to be able to take real cold medicine. I need to not be obsessing over every twinge. I need to know that we can have sex at any given time regardless of where I am in my cycle. I just need a break.

I haven’t AT ALL given up hope. But I’ve noticed a shift in my thinking. I’m getting excited about the prospects of IVF even though I haven’t figured out the finances of it yet. The concept of adoption is seeping into my brain even though that isn’t something we can pursue until we’ve made our BIG MOVE to whatever more rural area we end up in.

I’ve also noticed a shift in the blogs I read and in those who read mine. Lately, a number of the bloggers I’m most devoted to have become pregnant. And I couldn’t be happier for them. Even if it means they blog less and perhaps even don’t read mine anymore, hoping to shut the door on their past trials. But I’m feeling a bit left behind. As if a train has left the station and I had a ticket for a different day.

I wonder what the future holds. I wonder where I’ll be 5 years from now when I look back on this? Will I be in some lovely rural area with a fulfilling job, a happy husband, and a child? The other possibilities are just too difficult to contemplate.

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Responses

  1. IT is quite the wave isn’t it? I understand your feelings all too well! Wishing you that rural homestead, fullfilling job, happy husband and a child to complete your dream.

    Take Care for now.!

  2. Yes – you are right. TTC makes hanging off the Eiffel Tower seem do-able. I hope you are feeling better soon!


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