Posted by: perchancetodream | April 8, 2008

Rolling Home

10/11 DPIUI

Where do I even begin?

My visit home was….necessary.  Not really for me but certainly for my grandmother. Seeing her was difficult. I really notice the toll that time has taken.  Like I said to my cousin, when she passes away, I’ll be sad for myself but not for her. Her mind is strong enough to be constantly frustrated by what her body won’t do anymore.

I did get to see a couple of relatives and a friend.  And my dad.  And that’s always great.  But being in his apartment, decorated in photos of their grandchildren (his wife’s kids’ kids), was painful to say the least.  I try hard not to be bothered by children – by people having what I want so badly -but photos of my dad being the grandfather to other children hurts in unimaginable ways.

This cycle – Having never taken progesterone supplements before (the doctors always comment on my “great lining” but I begged this time to do SOMETHING different) I wasn’t prepared for the faux pregnancy side effects.  I don’t know what is being produced by the suppositories and what my body is doing on it’s own.  Yesterday, my 9/10 dpiui POAS were such that I swore I could make out the faintest of lines (I even took a second one to be sure).  This morning’s FRER was snow-driven white.  I know that it’s still early.  My abdomen is hard like it was in November. I’ve got the breast tingling and a little of the post-food/water gas.  But I’ve had no mid-sleep peeing attacks, no bizarre hunger/nausea feelings since Saturday, no real metallic taste.   So, I don’t know.

In wake of that and the resurgence of this wicked cold, I’ve decided to take a month off. I need it and my husband needs it.  I’m going to go to the gym.  Eat health.  Go to a China-town acupuncturist I’ve read about who is actually cheaper (although less convenient) than the one I was seeing before. And then we’ll proceed with what is meant to be our last medicated IUI cycle. If my calculations hold up, the beta will be on our wedding anniversary.  Not a day I really want to tarnish with bad news but it would be a great time for the positive.

In the meantime, I just found out that the New York State Budget hasn’t been signed.  Normally, I wouldn’t care about such things.  But this time….it’s holding up the IVF grants.  The money is put aside but nothing can be released.  My clinic told me that it should be resolved soon.  NYS just told me that it could take 3 months.

I am running out of time.

It is no longer just a race in terms of my age.  But in terms of my promise to my husband to begin focusing on leaving the big apple at the end of the year.

Is my chance of having a child really going hinge on bureaucratic machinations?  Does the universe hate me that much?

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Responses

  1. This was my first cycle with progeterone supplements and it also made me very sad. Well, lots of things make me sad about my pregnancy/miscarriage, but I wasn’t prepared to “feel” pregnant. It was hard.

    You will be in my thoughts . . .


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