Posted by: perchancetodream | April 1, 2008

Book of Dreams

4/3 dpiui

When I was little I had a re-occurring dream.  I’m not sure if it was a sleeping dream or a fantasy or what but I remember believing in its truth and its power was such that there is still a part of me that accepts the improbably as truth.

The dream/vision/fantasy was this:  I was in a room that rather resembled the observatory on Babylon 5 – a huge window, open to the stars.  And I was being given the choice to be born.  I had the choice of not being born at all.  And I had the choice of being born into a number of different families, all of which would influence the life that I would lead.

I no longer remember the paths I didn’t choose although I used to, in the way that a fleeting memory exists on the edge of your mind.  Its there but you can’t quite put your finger on it.

I do remember though, making the choice of this life.  Of having what I remember as a fairly idyllic childhood.  Of knowing that my mother would die young but also of knowing that I would never question that I was loved. I remember “knowing” that this path would work out in the end and if I was not rich and famous, that I would be content and fulfilled.

Most of my life has been a series of coincidences and I truly enjoy looking back and knowing that had I not made Random Decision A that I would not have arrived at Point Q which was necessary for me to do something life-fulfilling.

I do really believe in the “Leap and the Net Will Appear” lifestyle although I’ve often not had the courage to follow it. But looking back over my life, even the truly horrible things have served some purpose that was unrecognizable at the time.

I bring this up for two reasons.  One because I find myself needing to deeply believe that this will all work out somehow.  That if I give birth to a child, if we adopt, if we follow another road that there is a reason for it that I’ll understand in time.

Second because that “dream” was very much on my mind during my IUIs this cycle.  And so I did what I hadn’t done since my first medicated IUI with this clinic – I bargained and I  begged.  I spoke to the soul that might be choosing whether to be a part of my life and I promised pony rides and ice cream, puppies and swing sets, books and music.  I promised to be open-minded, to accept the person for who they are and who they’d want to be.  I promised support and most of all I promised love.  It was what tipped the scales for me.  I can only hope that somewhere is soul who feels the same.


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