Posted by: perchancetodream | March 24, 2008

Somewhere in Between

CD 7

My husband accused me of being pessamistic about having a child. Hmmm…..yes, admittedly, for the past 15 years or so I’ve assumed that I couldn’t get pregnant. I had no idea why although one doctor thought I might have PCOS about a decade ago but wouldn’t actually run any tests and I wasn’t actively trying to conceive and he figured the insurance companies wouldn’t cover it.

Then in October, I did get pregnant. And while it was a rocky road that ended in miscarriage and was followed by a chemical pregnancy, it shifted something inside me that opened up the door to all of the hope I’ve squelched for the past few decades. That door was rusty, with cobwebs and stiff hinges, but once opened, I knew that I’d never again get it to close.

But I have to get through the day. I don’t do that by telling myself that I won’t get pregnant. I do that by hoping that I do get pregnant. But I also don’t shy away from the blogs which tell the stories of horrible things happening to good people. I fight to keep my eyes open to all of the things that can go right AND all of the things that can go wrong.

I haven’t gotten to the point of researching adoption just yet but the idea has taken up a small, dark corner of my mind. I’m someone who needs to know the next steps. And I need fall-back plans. And however much I want these cycles to work, I know that they might not. And yet they might.

This cycle has been interested so far because (1) it hasn’t followed any kind of miscarriage and therefore has been more “normal” than those before it (2) it comes on the heels of the big talk with Dr. Celebrity and (3) so far I’ve gotten to see Dr. Celebrity both times I’ve gone in for a scan.

I don’t mind the fact that my clinic works on a rotation basis – you see whichever doctor is on call that morning. But there is something nice about seeing “Your” doctor, a comment that Dr. Celebrity echoed this morning. Lately, whenever I’ve had to talk to him it’s been something bad and hard. So it was nice to go in today and have him say that everything is proceeding “perfectly” with four follicles on the right and one on the left, the lead at 12mm, and a shrinking cyst. Given that follicles usually grow 2mm a day, that probably puts the IUI on tap for Friday but I’m waiting for the call.

The funny thing is that I didn’t really realize how much good it would feel to have my doctor say that something was going “perfectly”. I know that I have little control over anything but I want to do it all right.

In the meantime, I’ve been trying to get a few things cleared off my plate. I’ve made plans to go home during the TWW. (whatever will my 94 year-old grandmother think about seeing pregnancy tests in her trash???).

I also impulsively sent off a resume to a job in a rural area about 2 hours outside of the city. I think I need to curb those impulses for a while. The job is one I’ve done before although for a much less hospitable company. It would be a bit of a step back in title and duties and would involve a sizable pay cut. But it would allow us to live someplace that didn’t make my husband want to throw himself under a bus, which is always a good thing.

But the timing is really all wrong. The only way this could work is if they take a while to reach their decision, up the pay, and I get pregnant with this cycle. Funny thing is that Dr. Celebrity takes their insurance (I know the company but don’t know if it covers IVF, which my current plan doesn’t) but unless they’re the most flexible employer in the world, there is no way I’d be able to train in FOUR hours round trip for scans and blood work.

I’ll still probably go to the interview. Because, hey, you never know. And because there is another iron in another fire: something that could be the answer to all my worries about leaving here, that could be very much near to my dream job and would be in an area that I think both Hubby and I would love. But I don’t like tempting fate however much the “throwing all my eggs in one basket” approach has worked for me in the past. Like everything else, we’ll just have to see….

And…one bit of good news.  The insurance company has agreed to pay for the D&C after the horrible clinic forgot to tell me that they’d left the plan 5 days before my procedure.  Really nice to have closure on that one…..


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