Posted by: perchancetodream | March 17, 2008

Morning Dew

For me, St. Patrick’s Day in New York means music, music, music. We’ve been lucky to have enjoyed some really fun gigs this past week: Karan Casey, Lunasa, Jameson’s Revenge.

Aside from my job, which I’m fortunate to really like and which pays me a fair wage (for non-profit) and gives me a gazillion days off, the few friends I have here whose schedules allow time for face-to-face meetings, and the abundance of wonderful restaurants, I’m basically in New York for the music.  That probably sounds odd as I’m not a musician.  But I write about music. And their is something soul-sustaining in it for me and I have a niche in my chosen arena. It is one that I’m terrified to give up and even though we’re planning an eventual move, I’m trying to figure out a way to maintain access to it.

At the moment though I’m trying to savor what I have. And good timing for all these shows too because it’s about the only thing that’s kept me from concentrating on this fading cycle (13 dpiui, no symptoms, BFN on HPT, etc…just waiting for AF to start).

In the meantime, I have “THE” meeting with Dr. Celebrity tomorrow morning (will I be fortunate enough to have AF start today so that I can do EVERYTHING tomorrow morning and not have to get up at some ungodly hour 2 days in a row?  Probably not!). This is the meeting where we, in the good doctor’s words, “regroup”, i.e., talk about where we’re going from here.

I’m dreading this meeting.  He will tell me that at 42, I must go on to IVF if the next medicated IUI cycle doesn’t work. I will tell him that we can’t afford IVF or to go deeper into debt even with the knowledge that if we need it and we’re approved for the state grant, we will give it one try.  But in the meantime, I’d like to continue with IUIs.  Given that the first 2 were botched by the other clinic, and so far out of the 3 I’ve had with this clinic, 2 have resulted in pregnancies albeit failed ones which seems to me enough hope to give it a few more tries.

I will talk to him about progesterone and the fact that no one has checked mine in over a year and that perhaps putting me on some sort of supplement wouldn’t be a horrible idea. I will probably beg, cry, and plead for another few months before we get into the do-or-die of our one possible IVF.

Somewhere in there, I will get home to see my 95-year-old grandmother who I haven’t seen in almost a year because I’ve had to be available for ultrasounds and bloodwork.  Somewhere in there my husband and I will take a vacation we can’t afford because we need to get away from the everday stresses and reconnect.  Somewhere in there I will have to deal with the thought that this year may end with no hope of a child in sight.

And then I’ll need to put this force of energy, the one that has been completely consumed by infertility, into trying to move to the state with the worst economy in the US – I do know how to pick them don’t I – and into finding a way to take the music and my writing with me so that I don’t lose almost everything in one shot.

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Responses

  1. aside from the move, I could relate to so many of the things you write about here. I hate that part of the cycle when you have no hope and just waiting for AF to begin. and of course the frustration of the lack of money that limits your options. hope you have a good visit with the doc and your grandmother. ~luna


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