Posted by: perchancetodream | March 13, 2008

Another Day

 9 dpiui

So far, this cycle is eerily following the same pattern as last month’s.  A few days of cramping after the IUI, a few days of nothing, a few days of virtually every pregnancy symptom I had during the “working” cycle (metallic taste, insomnia, middle of the night nausea, dizziness, lack of appetite, a few random breakouts, etc…..). And then…nothing again.  And last cycle ended in a strange chemical pregnancy that saw a very heavy 10-day period start 2 days before my beta and a few days before it would normally have begun.

Yes, I know that some women get pregnant and have no symptoms.  I don’t think I’m one of them.

I’m trying to be philosophical about it all; trying not to put too much pressure on myself.  It isn’t working so well. This year is my last chance to have a child naturally. Then there will be a long delay while we try to find new jobs and to move to settle in the midwest before we can even think about adoption.  Who knows if we’ll be ready to begin that process while we’re still in the right age-range for it.

I know that I have one more medicated cycle after this.  I’m also applying for the state IVF grant but don’t even know if there coverage will leave us with an amount we can afford to pay.

I’m not ready to think about a childless future.  Not ready to contemplate how exchanging many of the things I enjoy about living in the big city (including most of my freelance work) for the things that I enjoy in the Midwest, that my husband NEEDS, will affect me without a child to make the move worth it. My picture of the midwest includes a house and a yard and a child playing on the swingset out back. I’ve not yet been able to fully picture my husband and I in a house on our own.

I’m trying to do my best to enjoy this time in the city.  To embrace the music and my writing and the opportunities.  But the specter of infertility is making it hard.  I’m great at dealing with the pressure of last minute deadlines; but not so good with last chances. Or endings.

I’m fighting to remind myself that it isn’t over yet. This cycle might turn around, next cycle might work or we may go on to find that IVF works for us.  The year is only a quarter old. Sometimes a day can change everything.  At least that’s what I tell myself.

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Responses

  1. I think we’re on the same days. We did IUI #2 (for this time around) and im on day 9dpiui. Hang in there! Good luck

  2. My dad had a heart attack this morning. You’re right — things can change in a moment.

    Not appropriate for an introductory post, but I can’t do any better at the moment.

    May we both have good news in the coming days.


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