Posted by: perchancetodream | March 7, 2008

Things Infertility Has Taught Me

3dpiui

We are almost at the 1 year mark of beginning this official journey into ART (assisted reproductive therapy). Certainly there were tests prior and musings and thoughts but we got into the thick of it almost around this time last year.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how this process has changed me and my attitudes to things.  In some ways, this has been for the better and has made me a more tolerant person. In some ways, it has been for the worse and has introduced fears about outcomes I never thought about before.

I used to shy away from children. I still do that sometimes but I find that I’m more forgiving of children in general.  Somehow this process has allowed me to put myself more in the place of the parent, even though I’m not one yet.

I notice pregnant women everywhere

I no longer believe that getting pregnant equals having a child. There are no guarantees and the blogs that rip my heart out at the ones about late term loss.  I’ve no idea how anyone moves on from that.

I know that it is actually possible for my body and my husband’s to come together to create a life.

I know the joy of seeing a heart beating inside me that isn’t mine but that is still a part of me and everything I am.

Seeing parents with seriously disabled children terrifies me. One of my closest friends has a beautiful, funny, clever physically disabled daughter and I don’t find that I have this feeling regarding her.  But I’ve realized that I could never be a fit parent to a severely mentally handicapped child.  I realize that I’d probably take some flack for writing that but better both for the child and myself, I think, to know my limitations than not.

I know that my biggest fear is not, as I’d thought, dying in a car crash or being covered in spiders (although really, I’ve no wish to do either of those in the near future) but is coming to the end of this process with no prospects of parenthood.

I know that I was right in thinking that the little things that made me happy as a child ARE the things that are important.  When I think of what I want to give to a child I think of the heart-shaped sandwiches my mother made, the ballgames my dad took me to, the unconditional love I felt that never made me wonder if I was cared about.

I know that, while I still support a women’s right to choose 100%, I do believe that life begins at conception.

All the things I heard when I was 16 about how looking the wrong way at a boy would get me pregnant are absolutely untrue (at least in my case).

I’m sure that there are other things and I’ll probably add to this list over time. But for now, as I’m praying that this past IUI might actually possibly work, this is enough.

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Responses

  1. oh oh oh. This post, at least some ot it makes me WANT to cry. First I understand that severely disabled fear. I am a nurturer. Hubby is too! But that DOES give me pause.. I don’t think we are emotional equipped.

    But what gets me IS that the prochoice thing DID change for me a bit after my pregnancy at 45. I was so connected to that child . STIILL AM! Regardless that the pregnancy wasn’t viablle. I MISS ‘her” I REALLY DO!

    I didn’t always feel that way! And I regret earlier decisions I made in my life.

  2. I LOVE this post. I’ve been amazed, too, to discover that the “no child at the end of this” has become my #1 fear, too. Replacing all the other neurotic ones I’ve had for years (scary terminal diseases, becoming a bag lady, etc).

    One “good” lesson learned, I think, is there are so many amazing, normal people out there dealing with this — IF/pregnancy loss seems to not really discriminate. I never gave it any thought before. Maybe it’ll make me a more compassionate person ultimately, too?


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