Posted by: perchancetodream | February 8, 2008

Walking Through Jello

We’ve heard rumors that our annual reviews at work are taking place next week. I’m usually not at all nervous about these – just annoyed at having to fill out the forms. But this time, I’m not so sure. My boss is under a lot of pressure these days and when that happens she takes it out on us (the four department heads) and lately, we’ve all been hearing it from her.

I’m expecting her to comment on my lack of focus as of late. And honestly, she’d be right. From the time of our most previous IUI in October, my head has been somewhere else – in a follistim fog, counting down the days of the tww, reading up on being pregnant, reading up on miscarrying and then just waiting. Waiting to start a new cycle, waiting to find an answer to a lot of logistical issues my husband and I are trying to sort out, etc…..

I’ve always been the queen of multi-tasking. I work very, very quickly which tends to give me time to do “life things” at work – read and write blogs, manage my budget, send e-mails, order gifts… Yes, and work. 🙂

And that’s served me well when having to deal with huge life things like immigration, international marriage laws, financial issues, etc….I’ve always managed to handle those as well as work and freelance work.

But I’m currently under a cloud of malaise. Every project feels like walking through jello. And this IUI cycle is getting sucked up into all of that. For the life of me, I can’t remember the date of my last period without looking it up and have to strain to remember how many days it’s been since the IUI.

I’m usually over-optimistic about things. I felt in my heart that the last cycle would work and it did, regardless of the outcome. This time, I just can’t imagine the cycle working. I’ve tried to analyze why I feel that way – I truly don’t think it’s because of the miscarriage. And I don’t think it’s classic depression – for the most part, I like my life.

But the other night, 2 days past the iui, I laid in bed and thought “This isn’t going to work and adoption is probably financially prohibitive and by the time we’re settled anywhere to begin looking into it, we’ll probably too old to do it. I’m actually going to end up childless.”

All of my life I’ve felt like I’ve had more time; that I had the luxury of waiting until the time was right to really begin my infertility journey. But for the first time, the other night, I truly felt like I may just die childless. And it terrified me. I still haven’t sorted those feelings out.

In the meantime it is 4 dpiui. I’m having some HCG symptoms: subtle cramps (much more subtle than last time), tingly breasts, and an over-developed sense of smell (far more than last time). Last cycle I tested at 6dpiui both to see, for the first time, a positive result and because I really did believe I was pregnant. For the first time, I don’t really feel a push to test. I might feel differently in a week but I’m already focusing on how many more IUIs I can talk Dr. Celebrity into before he says “IVF or nothing”.

Is this what happens when you’ve been at this a while? Does infertility just take up residence in a part of your mind and not let go until you’ve either had a child or given up?

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Responses

  1. “Is this what happens when you’ve been at this a while? Does infertility just take up residence in a part of your mind and not let go until you’ve either had a child or given up?”

    Hmmmmm. yeah sort of. Remembering eons ago as I waited for my first pregnancy. Son Nick. It was ALL I thought about!

    I’m an ALLL or nothing sorta girl! I don’t multi-task well! So as I try to become the happy little incubater, I am gaining an avaerage of 2-3 lbs a week! Need balance. Need to be healthy myself. Ya know? Wanna start walking again. Losing weight. Don’t know where to draw the line. It gets nutty for me.

    After my mc, I kinda was AFRAID to get pregnant again. And figured I SURELY would GET pregnant because of that fear, I’m sorry I waited so long to become proactive. Sighs! I was such a mess tho.

    You sound like you’re doing GREAT in comparison. At least you know you are doing ALL you can. HUGS Take care!

  2. I’ve been at this for a couple of years and I certainly find infertility takes up a constant segment of my mind. it’s always kinda there regardless of what else I’m doing. i find it most annoying when trying to make plans, talk about vacation, etc. The first answer at the tip of my tongue is always, “depends where we are in the cycle and the clinic schedule”. Frustrating but inevitable I think. Hang in there!


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