Posted by: perchancetodream | December 20, 2007

The End of This Road

Last Sunday morning I was woken up, early, early morning by a stabbing pain in my side.  It probably lasted no more than 3 minutes or so and went away.

When I got up to get ready to leave for California, I was spotting a small amount of dark brown blood.

I went to California, and my conference and my boss and coworkers were amazing and helpful and optimistic and sympathetic.  I worked hard but they let me slide as necessary.

And I continued to spot.  In the few days that I had computer access, I googled…..and I hoped that no cramps and no red blood equaled the placenta latching on or some such thing.

The conference ended.  Work people left.  My husband came in and we had a few nice days visiting the zoo, etc.  I was determined to enjoy those days no matter what.

We came back last night and went in for today’s scan. My RE looked for about 45 seconds and said that while the baby had grown (significantly from what I saw) he couldn’t find a heartbeat and at 10 weeks, it should stand out easily. And because he has never ever (even with heartbeat present) dated anything for me, I don’t know if it was last Sunday or this morning or sometime in between (although I suspect more recent than not given the size of everything).

So now I’m meant to go in tomorrow (Friday) for a D&C.  But my RE’s office can’t do it this week so I’m going to someone else suggested by them.  Only they haven’t returned my calls.  I don’t even know what time the procedure is meant to be.  Note to any doctors out there: This is a recipe for making a horrific situation almost unbearable.

I had 10 days to assume the worst; to try to push the hope aside as it kept floating to the top.  So while I’m numb and sad, I’m not completely taken by surprise.

Tomorrow, when the fog of sadness and jetlag lifts, I think that the hole in my heart will fill with pain. For now, I’m going to sit in the arms of my husband, have a glass of wine and talk about the future.



  1. Okay, this sucks. And your RE should be shot.

    Sent me an e-mail; I’ll recommend *MY* RE. They were a bit clinical when it came to my care, but so so so comforting in a crisis. And you deserve better…

    This sucks. I am so sorry.

  2. (And my RE takes Aetna. I just checked).


  3. I know there’s nothing anyone can say to make things better, but I am so sorry for your loss and for the additional stress the medical offices are causing you.

  4. Oh. This was the news I was so hoping not to hear when you came back from California. And your RE is definitely an ass.

    I’m so damned sorry.

  5. I AM So sorry too! I had 7 days to prepare for a bad outcome last year. Was warned. And i got one!

    HUGGGS. Please know I truly understand.

  6. You don’t know me but i saw your blog and I just wanted to tell you how sorry Iam that your going through this. You will be in my thoughts.


  7. It sounds so hollow to write it, but I’m so sorry.

  8. I am so so sorry, sweetie.

  9. Just came over from the lost and found. I am so sorry for your loss. And sorry that the drs are giving you such a hard time, you would think they would be able to show some kindness

  10. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I hope you are somehow able to find peace after this tragedy. If you ever need to talk, I’m here, as I’ve suffered from a similar fate. My thoughts and prayers are with you. XOXO

  11. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I wish there was anything I could say to make things different. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

  12. coming over from L&F to say I am so sorry. wishing you strength and healing. ~luna

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