Posted by: perchancetodream | December 5, 2007

The Chill Air

Honestly I don’t know how to follow up my last post. And I’m almost nervous to. Many have posted about the fear that permeates the pregnancies of infertiles.  We find out we’re pregnant way too early, have scans way to early, and read way too much about everything that can go wrong.

There is a part of me that is jumping for joy and praying harder than I ever have, about finally being pregnant. There is a part of me that is terrified but not, as I would have thought about actually raising a child.  That seems so far off I can barely picture it except in tiny little dreams that I allow myself to pull out now and again.

It is Christmas season in NY and even though I’m Jewish, this has always been my favorite time of the year. My family definitely had tree-envy.  My mom and I would drive around looking at the lights. We’d go to our next door neighbors to decorate their tree and our house was always filled with Christmas music (go figure!). We’d also light the Chanukah candles every night and exchange gifts, spin dreidels and eat yummy potato latkas so all bases were covered.

Since moving to NY from the Midwest I’m no longer assured of a white holiday season but the chance to see the decorated windows and the Rockefeller Christmas Tree and the singing Christmas tree at the Southside Seaport which my husband and I discovered two years ago, makes up for it.

But this year, I’m off to California for work to spend 10 days surrounded by Jewish women.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and I’ve nothing against Jewish women (being one and all! 🙂 ) but it cuts into my enjoyment of the season. We won’t even get our tree (my husband isn’t Jewish) until almost Christmas eve and I don’t even think that I’ll have time to listen to my rather alternative (Windham Hill and Projekt) Christmas CDs except maybe on the plane out there.

I know that I shouldn’t be whining about this but I’m out of sorts.  I supposed that focusing on this is distracting me from thinking about the scan I’ve talked my GYN into ordering for Friday to get an accurate hear rate before I leave town or the scan we’re meant to have the day after we get back which I’m hoping will FINALLY even make my RE content that this pregnancy will actually result in a real, live, healthy baby. Or my fear of being away from here for so long in case something does go wrong.

AND the fact that I’m still looking for an OB.  I have one.  I love him.  But he no longer takes my insurance and I’m wrestling with whether we should pay out of network or find someone else.  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE if anyone knows of a doctor in NYC who takes AETNA please send their name my way.

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Responses

  1. I know your fears and I understand. I wish you all the best!

  2. A heartbeat of 120 is hardly poor!

    Still, I’m so glad there is one. 🙂

  3. Oro – I know. The problem is that my RE ESTIMATED the heart rate because the machine wasn’t calibrated correctly and he either didn’t know how to or didn’t have time to do it. I just want to know for sure…..

  4. you’ve come a long way baby. It’s scary but please DO TRY to enjoy this very special time. 😀


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