Posted by: perchancetodream | September 23, 2007

Starting in the Middle…

I don’t know if this blog-thing will work for me. I already keep a 100-words a day “diary” and try to manage a more or less professional Myspace page. But I also know that I need an outlet, and frankly, writing has always served that purpose.

Today I should be on day 2 of 15oMG of clomid in preparation for round #3 of IUI. But instead I have a cyst that was managed to be missed on the ultrasound but not on blood levels. And even though I’m meeting with a new RE on Tuesday from a renowned program – who is a bit of a celebrity in the infertility world, I’m devastated that this cycle will be a wash.

To some extent, that depression surprises me. When I was very young – I always thought it all happened by magic. You were “given” a spouse, a career, a house, a child. And I couldn’t wait to see what I got. Somehow I missed the fact that you had to work for it; make choices and that some of those choices would be wrong and would leave you walking a path other than the one you thought you’d be going down.

I have a spouse and a calling more than a career. But the house is still a dream and at some point I pretty much gave up on having a child. Or rather, I assumed that it was impossible due to unexplained infertility, bad relationship choices, lack of financial solvency.

But then things came together and I started testing and found out that my egg reserve isn’t all that bad for someone my age and we started IUI. Only cycle number one had timing issues, cycle number two had poor sperm and my case of bronchitis certainly didn’t help. And now cycle 3 has been canceled due to high estrodiol. And timing is of the essence due to our leaving town for my college reunion and a work convention that will keep me out of town during a crucial time.

Then there is money. We need 4 failed IUIs but good potential for success to get the NYS grant for IVF. Even with the grant I think it’s going to put us back in a financial hole. And that would be fine if we weren’t planning on moving not so long after that. Not moving for jobs or frivolous reasons but to save my husband’s sanity before the Big City destroys what’s left of it.

As usual in my life, timing sucks and all things converge.

I’d hoped to go to my 20 year reunion pregnant. I’d hoped to be able to be one of those radiant glowing women who didn’t turn away from the cute kids of others. But it’s not to be.

Part of me thinks of looking into adoption instead of playing IVF roulette (because deep in the night, I’m certain that they’re going to find that my eggs are unviable – have never BEEN viable or that whatever mysterious factor caused my mother to think that she could never conceive has been passed down) we should held straight to adoption. But my husband is right in thinking that having a house and jobs set up will certainly serve us better than an apartment outside NYC. I worry about the viability of adoption as well, seeing as though the lists of available kids I’ve seen all involve serious disabilities. And we’re just about handling ourselves. That would be too much to fit into our sensitive dynamic.

And so, like I’ve done for so much of my life. I wait. I pin my hopes on the Specialist on Tuesday. On the future. As always.

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Responses

  1. Infertility sucks. Period, end of statement. We all pin all our hopes on the next great thing and at the same time wonder if we really want to be putting ourselves on the line month after devistating month. We all do whatever helps. Some of us blog, some do yoga, some eat ice cream.

    Welcome aboard!!

  2. Thanks for the welcome Katerina. Well, I’ve got the blogging and the ice cream down. Also trying acupuncture as much for the stress-release as for the fertility.

    It’s just so hard after years of not having any hope at all to feeling like I tripped over some magical process than then doesn’t seem to work for me.

  3. Welcome to the blog world! It really is a great place to be when life SUCKS!


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