PerchanceToDream

Sorry….probably a downer of a post ahead.

The good stuff first:

• We made it safely to Nashville
• The animals made it safely to Nashville
• So far all of our stuff made it safely to Nashillve (except for 3 broken glasses).  There are some boxes left to unpack but so far this is good and the electronics made it in one piece which is always a plus!
• The movers stuck to budget which shocks me more than anything!
• Our back deck is gorgeous and as we unpack I’m feeling very adult for some reason (not a bad thing to feel at 42 but still its nice to live someplace with central air/heat, no roaches, REAL grocery stores, etc…)
• We’ve met 2 neighbors so far.  The early 30’s guy next door and the older woman down the block who is a total trip.  You know, the woman in the area who knows what EVERYONE is doing.  That’s her.
• The animals are mostly settling in. The cat i choosing to use our tub instead of the litter box but we’ll get her sorted out.
• The firepit and BBQ work!
• We’ve started the car search (check back to see if this falls in the “good” column or the “bad” column

On the flip side…………I’m depressed to the point that I can only attribute it to a hormonal crash. The AF/early miscarriage/oozing has been going on for 3 days now and I can’t help but realize that our much-loved embryos are floating away in it all.

None of the IUIs affected me this way - I guess I just had really high hopes for this first (last?) IVF.

Most frustratingly, there has been no reply from either the billing department of my clinic or Dr. Celebrity. Billing has to let me know if I can use the other half of my grant now that I’m technically not living there. Dr. Celebrity needs to answer my e-mail about unmonitored clomid cycles and/or more IUIs.

The lack of direction is making me insane. I need to know our next steps. Do I research adoption?  Get on the schedule for another IVF? Research clinics here? I don’t do well in limbo and with my 43rd birthday looming next month, I deel the passage of every moment.

I know that hubby is disappointed at my less-than-gleeful demeanor of late.  I wish that I felt differently too. There are just too many unanswered questions for me right now.

And one thing I’ve been trying hard not to acknowledge is that next week would have been our due-date from the pregnancy in October.  We were never given a firm date but that’s what the calculators said.  I promised myself that I wouldn’t let myself get attached to this - there were chromosomal issues so there was really no other way for things to end.  But it really is hard to walk past the kids section of stored knowing that we’d be buying last minute things, setting up a nursery.

Monday I need to face my new bosses and their questions about whether this worked and, harder, their children in the office.  I don’t know how to prepare myself for it. But I have to find a way. For now I have 2 more days of boxes and fireflies and wine to take my mind off it all.

We move today. It doesn’t feel bad, just surreal - like we’re going on a short vacation and will be home soon.

In truth, I begin my new job on Monday. We’ll spend the weekend unpacking and then I’ll head off to my still untitled (as far as I know) new position.

If I’m lucky I’ll have a few hours to sit on the deck and cry and try to deal with all of the emotions that keep threatening to overwhelm me but which I’ve been trying to keep at bay so that I can, at least somewhat, enjoy my last few days here.

I’ve mentioned before that my new office has a playroom for the owners’ 2 kids.  I’ve been really bracing myself for this.  It isn’t the kids faults (nor the owners) that I can’t seem to carry a pregnancy.  Doesn’t make it easy though. And today I receive an e-mail from my new company inviting me (and everyone else on their mailing list) to a performance by Mrs. Company Owner.  Oh…and their six year-old.

I must be out of my mind for putting myself through this.

I did get to speak to Dr. Celebrity yesterday.  Getting him on the phone is difficult but once he’s there I have to say that he is attentive and answers all the questions you can throw at him.

My main question: At almost 43 it is really worth trying to do another IVF? We went through my reaction to the meds (good), the number of eggs (good), the number going to blast (better than average for my age) and the quality of said blasts (again, better than most in my age group).

He said to go for it.

The caveat is that we can really only do this through the grant.  And the administrators of the grant know that we’re moving.  And we have to be resident here.  That’s the one bit that the doc couldn’t help with.  I’ve written a plea to the billing people and am now waiting.  If they say we can do it, I think we will sometime after hubby finds a job.

If they say no……I’ve no idea.

My new insurance covers nothing in terms of infertility.  Hubby’s probably won’t either but I’m praying I’m wrong. To pay $9K out of pocket for an IVF at a clinic with less success rates (although not horribly less) that my current clinic seems risky.

I’ve just written Dr. Celebrity to ask if he’d suggest or condone either: (1) unmonitored clomid cycles and/or (2) a couple more IUIs.  Even paying for them we could do a bunch before they’d equal one IVF and we’ve pretty much had the same success with both procedures.

If those aren’t an option, I guess I start researching the ins and outs of adoption to see if it might work for us.  Hubby is from the UK so maybe we can adopt from there?

The other…risky…probably stupid idea…..is to use my stash of follistim in an unmonitored cycle.  Anyone tried that?

CD1

Okay, I admit it.  I broke down and bought A-Ha’s Hunting High and Low off iTunes today. I am, in every sense, a child of the 80’s - the decade captured high school and college for me; first loves, first heartbreaks, the creation of most of my closest friendships to this day.

And there is something comforting about hearing these songs that I know inside out and have heard so often that I could probably play the album in my head from memory.

I’m not particularly torn apart by the fact that the unmedicated cycle has ended  - I knew it was going to and was eager to get on to the next one although I could have done without the additional kick in the teeth from a lovely blue evaporatation line last night.

But I’m rather shaken from my big “regrouping” meeting with Dr. Celebrity this morning. The upshot is:

• Even he discounts the IUIs done at my previous clinic by Dr. Perky. But he firmly believes that 4 medicated IUI cycles should be the cut-off before IVF.  That leaves us 2 more.
• I’ve applied for the State IVF grant and now we’ll wait to see. My insurance will cover most of the meds, which is a great help and Dr. Celebrity isn’t expecting to do any type of pre-testing so I’m in praying mode that the financial total will be low enough to swing one IVF (or maybe even both of the ones that grant would cover) should we need it.
• Surprisingly,  he said that even at 42, he wouldn’t suggest donor eggs because my FSH is relatively low (7.1), I respond really well to the meds and my MIS (to measure egg reserve) was “exceptional”.
• He also said that my January cycle was a “textbook cycle”.  Actually I was disappointed that I think we only had two mature follicles and hey, there’s the fact that it ended in a chemical pregnancy.

It is strange to be able to see the end of the line.  I have somewhere between 2 and 4 chances to get pregnant in all of this (unless we end up doing unplanned natural cycles due to cysts again) and then, by all accounts we’re done.  I asked him if he ever has patients who go from IUI to IVF and back to IUI and he said that he very rarely ever sees that.  Whether he’d approve it or not, I have no idea.

On one hand, I’m comforted by his comments about my numbers, etc….

One the other hand, there is a line in A-Ha’s “The Blue Sky, I’m too young to take on my deepest fears.  In four months, I’ll still be too young - at least at heart - to give up my hopes of ever being a mother.

And then what?

CD12 and…nothing.  I mean really,  nothing.

Went for my ultrasound and blood this morning in hopes that we’d trigger today for an IUI tomorrow but no go.  My numbers are really low, the doctor this morning (a fellow) said she couldn’t tell if what she saw was a cyst or a follicle.  Umm…that’s just lovely.  Thanks!

I was hoping that when the nurse, who is a great source of information, called that I’d get some enlightenment but she was puzzled too. It sounds like the chemical pregnancy really threw my body for a loop and they want to see me back on Saturday in hopes that the numbers will start to rise.

That means that I’ll miss going to the Celtic Fiddle Festival concert I was hoping to attend tomorrow (I wouldn’t get home until 2am and would then have to get up at 6 to make it to the doctors on Saturday which wouldn’t be a problem except that we have a house guest arriving that day).

The oddest part of this is that I feel as though I’m about to ovulate; a bit sore and all that. This is all very strange…..

I’ve no real problem waiting until next week for the IUI (general impatience aside) and it means that I’ll be up for doing the touristy things we have planned with our friend (such as walking across the Brooklyn Bridge, which neither of us has done before) but I start to get worried when my highly-renowned medical professionals admit to be confused.

So what’s worse than a miscarriage that results in a D&C in an abortion mill because it’s over Christmas week and all your “real” doctors offices are closed? Getting an unexpected $700+ bill for that D&C!

Yup! Came home yesterday to a bill from the clinic that the OBGYN recommended by my RE referred me to. The clinic that takes my insurance. The clinic whose billing department is only open 3 days a week for 4 hours each day.

I called my insurance company who said that the doctor’s name on my invoice WAS a doctor in their plan but that the code that was filed was for a different doctor. She’s trying to straighten this out for me while I sit by the phone and try not to develop an ulcer.

I’m not one for creating problems but it’s going to be a cold day in hell before I pay this. The experience was horrible enough but then to go through this just boggles my mind.

Edit: Insurance company called back.  The doctor went out of network FIVE days before my procedure.  Obviously his staff didn’t know about this as they took my co-pay and said that would cover it.  Issue is now being appealed.  Keep your fingers crossed for me….

On top of that, I had the strangest dream last night. I don’t often remember my dreams and those I do remember are usually of the “So, I sat down for lunch with Bono and the Pope and….” variety.

I’ve only once literally dreamed of having a child and that was after the IUI that resulted in the above miscarriage. Last night I dreamed that I was one of those women who go into labor without even knowing that they’re pregnant. And I delivered a beautiful son only we were completely unprepared for a child as I didn’t know I was having one. So my husband quickly build a kind of playpen and we ran around like maniacs trying to get the house sorted and get all of the bits and pieces needed for a child.

It was one of those dreams that I didn’t want to end. I kept waking up and willing myself back into it. And then the alarm went off. And I was back to real life.