PerchanceToDream

Sorry….probably a downer of a post ahead.

The good stuff first:

• We made it safely to Nashville
• The animals made it safely to Nashville
• So far all of our stuff made it safely to Nashillve (except for 3 broken glasses).  There are some boxes left to unpack but so far this is good and the electronics made it in one piece which is always a plus!
• The movers stuck to budget which shocks me more than anything!
• Our back deck is gorgeous and as we unpack I’m feeling very adult for some reason (not a bad thing to feel at 42 but still its nice to live someplace with central air/heat, no roaches, REAL grocery stores, etc…)
• We’ve met 2 neighbors so far.  The early 30’s guy next door and the older woman down the block who is a total trip.  You know, the woman in the area who knows what EVERYONE is doing.  That’s her.
• The animals are mostly settling in. The cat i choosing to use our tub instead of the litter box but we’ll get her sorted out.
• The firepit and BBQ work!
• We’ve started the car search (check back to see if this falls in the “good” column or the “bad” column

On the flip side…………I’m depressed to the point that I can only attribute it to a hormonal crash. The AF/early miscarriage/oozing has been going on for 3 days now and I can’t help but realize that our much-loved embryos are floating away in it all.

None of the IUIs affected me this way - I guess I just had really high hopes for this first (last?) IVF.

Most frustratingly, there has been no reply from either the billing department of my clinic or Dr. Celebrity. Billing has to let me know if I can use the other half of my grant now that I’m technically not living there. Dr. Celebrity needs to answer my e-mail about unmonitored clomid cycles and/or more IUIs.

The lack of direction is making me insane. I need to know our next steps. Do I research adoption?  Get on the schedule for another IVF? Research clinics here? I don’t do well in limbo and with my 43rd birthday looming next month, I deel the passage of every moment.

I know that hubby is disappointed at my less-than-gleeful demeanor of late.  I wish that I felt differently too. There are just too many unanswered questions for me right now.

And one thing I’ve been trying hard not to acknowledge is that next week would have been our due-date from the pregnancy in October.  We were never given a firm date but that’s what the calculators said.  I promised myself that I wouldn’t let myself get attached to this - there were chromosomal issues so there was really no other way for things to end.  But it really is hard to walk past the kids section of stored knowing that we’d be buying last minute things, setting up a nursery.

Monday I need to face my new bosses and their questions about whether this worked and, harder, their children in the office.  I don’t know how to prepare myself for it. But I have to find a way. For now I have 2 more days of boxes and fireflies and wine to take my mind off it all.

We move today. It doesn’t feel bad, just surreal - like we’re going on a short vacation and will be home soon.

In truth, I begin my new job on Monday. We’ll spend the weekend unpacking and then I’ll head off to my still untitled (as far as I know) new position.

If I’m lucky I’ll have a few hours to sit on the deck and cry and try to deal with all of the emotions that keep threatening to overwhelm me but which I’ve been trying to keep at bay so that I can, at least somewhat, enjoy my last few days here.

I’ve mentioned before that my new office has a playroom for the owners’ 2 kids.  I’ve been really bracing myself for this.  It isn’t the kids faults (nor the owners) that I can’t seem to carry a pregnancy.  Doesn’t make it easy though. And today I receive an e-mail from my new company inviting me (and everyone else on their mailing list) to a performance by Mrs. Company Owner.  Oh…and their six year-old.

I must be out of my mind for putting myself through this.

I did get to speak to Dr. Celebrity yesterday.  Getting him on the phone is difficult but once he’s there I have to say that he is attentive and answers all the questions you can throw at him.

My main question: At almost 43 it is really worth trying to do another IVF? We went through my reaction to the meds (good), the number of eggs (good), the number going to blast (better than average for my age) and the quality of said blasts (again, better than most in my age group).

He said to go for it.

The caveat is that we can really only do this through the grant.  And the administrators of the grant know that we’re moving.  And we have to be resident here.  That’s the one bit that the doc couldn’t help with.  I’ve written a plea to the billing people and am now waiting.  If they say we can do it, I think we will sometime after hubby finds a job.

If they say no……I’ve no idea.

My new insurance covers nothing in terms of infertility.  Hubby’s probably won’t either but I’m praying I’m wrong. To pay $9K out of pocket for an IVF at a clinic with less success rates (although not horribly less) that my current clinic seems risky.

I’ve just written Dr. Celebrity to ask if he’d suggest or condone either: (1) unmonitored clomid cycles and/or (2) a couple more IUIs.  Even paying for them we could do a bunch before they’d equal one IVF and we’ve pretty much had the same success with both procedures.

If those aren’t an option, I guess I start researching the ins and outs of adoption to see if it might work for us.  Hubby is from the UK so maybe we can adopt from there?

The other…risky…probably stupid idea…..is to use my stash of follistim in an unmonitored cycle.  Anyone tried that?

Beta = 5 so we’re out for this round.

Doctor hasn’t called me back yet so I have no ideas about the next step.

My coworkers just threw me a nice lunch which included an ice cream cake.

But it really isn’t the same.

11dp5dt

Today is beta #2. But in all honesty, starting with a beta of 15 doesn’t give me hope for anything.  Yes, I’ve read the 6 or 7 posts of people who HAVE had similar first betas and have gone on to have actual children. But that’s 6 or 7 out of the whole internet which is a low enough percent for me not to expect anything other than a chemical from this.

Which doesn’t really explain why I bought 2 FRERs yesterday and used one to get a light (not faint line).  FRERs are evil and way too sensitive. They just feed into my self-destructive behavior….

I DO thank all of you for your kind and supportive comments. It’s very nice to know that people I’ve never even met are pulling for us and it makes this all a little less lonely.

So I’m waiting for the nurses’ call which I’ll probably let go to voicemail because I really just don’t want to have the conversation.

Yesterday the movers came and cleared out out apartment.  They were there for 5.5 hours.  We are left with the few things we’re taking with us, an aerobed and a very confused dog and cat.

It is hard not to equate the empty apartment with my empty(ing) uterus. Everything just feels vacant.

I’m trying hard to figure out why everything feels like an ending instead of a new beginning.  I’ve moved states (and countries) before so it isn’t like this is new to me.  I think the specter of this failed IVF, my fear that we won’t have a chance for another round, my husband’s reluctance to move into adoption (he’s willing to do so for me but not interested in it otherwise), and the general stress of moving from someplace I’m otherwise happy in are just getting intertwined.  I DO know intellectually that there will be great aspects to this move.  I just can’t emotionally connect to them.

My co-workers will be saying goodbye to me today complete with an ice-cream cake and hubby and I will go to one or two of our favorite places tonight where I will either be indulging in some evil combination of sangria and sake or confusedly abstaining. The one thing keeping me together is that I know that one way or another I’ll come back to NYC, even if it isn’t to live. (If we do another IVF, it will be here and I’ll probably have a conference or two to attend for work).

If any of you co-bloggers live in Nashville, I’d love to hear from you once this all sinks in and I actually accept that we’re moving tomorrow

The thing I wanted least has happened.  I went for my beta this morning and it was……….a whopping 15.

Neither positive nor negative but in the back of my mind I had some feeling that the dark-light-dark HPTs and the on-off symptoms might mean a chemical.

Back to the doctor’s on Monday but crying today….