PerchanceToDream

Sorry….probably a downer of a post ahead.

The good stuff first:

• We made it safely to Nashville
• The animals made it safely to Nashville
• So far all of our stuff made it safely to Nashillve (except for 3 broken glasses).  There are some boxes left to unpack but so far this is good and the electronics made it in one piece which is always a plus!
• The movers stuck to budget which shocks me more than anything!
• Our back deck is gorgeous and as we unpack I’m feeling very adult for some reason (not a bad thing to feel at 42 but still its nice to live someplace with central air/heat, no roaches, REAL grocery stores, etc…)
• We’ve met 2 neighbors so far.  The early 30’s guy next door and the older woman down the block who is a total trip.  You know, the woman in the area who knows what EVERYONE is doing.  That’s her.
• The animals are mostly settling in. The cat i choosing to use our tub instead of the litter box but we’ll get her sorted out.
• The firepit and BBQ work!
• We’ve started the car search (check back to see if this falls in the “good” column or the “bad” column

On the flip side…………I’m depressed to the point that I can only attribute it to a hormonal crash. The AF/early miscarriage/oozing has been going on for 3 days now and I can’t help but realize that our much-loved embryos are floating away in it all.

None of the IUIs affected me this way - I guess I just had really high hopes for this first (last?) IVF.

Most frustratingly, there has been no reply from either the billing department of my clinic or Dr. Celebrity. Billing has to let me know if I can use the other half of my grant now that I’m technically not living there. Dr. Celebrity needs to answer my e-mail about unmonitored clomid cycles and/or more IUIs.

The lack of direction is making me insane. I need to know our next steps. Do I research adoption?  Get on the schedule for another IVF? Research clinics here? I don’t do well in limbo and with my 43rd birthday looming next month, I deel the passage of every moment.

I know that hubby is disappointed at my less-than-gleeful demeanor of late.  I wish that I felt differently too. There are just too many unanswered questions for me right now.

And one thing I’ve been trying hard not to acknowledge is that next week would have been our due-date from the pregnancy in October.  We were never given a firm date but that’s what the calculators said.  I promised myself that I wouldn’t let myself get attached to this - there were chromosomal issues so there was really no other way for things to end.  But it really is hard to walk past the kids section of stored knowing that we’d be buying last minute things, setting up a nursery.

Monday I need to face my new bosses and their questions about whether this worked and, harder, their children in the office.  I don’t know how to prepare myself for it. But I have to find a way. For now I have 2 more days of boxes and fireflies and wine to take my mind off it all.

We move today. It doesn’t feel bad, just surreal - like we’re going on a short vacation and will be home soon.

In truth, I begin my new job on Monday. We’ll spend the weekend unpacking and then I’ll head off to my still untitled (as far as I know) new position.

If I’m lucky I’ll have a few hours to sit on the deck and cry and try to deal with all of the emotions that keep threatening to overwhelm me but which I’ve been trying to keep at bay so that I can, at least somewhat, enjoy my last few days here.

I’ve mentioned before that my new office has a playroom for the owners’ 2 kids.  I’ve been really bracing myself for this.  It isn’t the kids faults (nor the owners) that I can’t seem to carry a pregnancy.  Doesn’t make it easy though. And today I receive an e-mail from my new company inviting me (and everyone else on their mailing list) to a performance by Mrs. Company Owner.  Oh…and their six year-old.

I must be out of my mind for putting myself through this.

I did get to speak to Dr. Celebrity yesterday.  Getting him on the phone is difficult but once he’s there I have to say that he is attentive and answers all the questions you can throw at him.

My main question: At almost 43 it is really worth trying to do another IVF? We went through my reaction to the meds (good), the number of eggs (good), the number going to blast (better than average for my age) and the quality of said blasts (again, better than most in my age group).

He said to go for it.

The caveat is that we can really only do this through the grant.  And the administrators of the grant know that we’re moving.  And we have to be resident here.  That’s the one bit that the doc couldn’t help with.  I’ve written a plea to the billing people and am now waiting.  If they say we can do it, I think we will sometime after hubby finds a job.

If they say no……I’ve no idea.

My new insurance covers nothing in terms of infertility.  Hubby’s probably won’t either but I’m praying I’m wrong. To pay $9K out of pocket for an IVF at a clinic with less success rates (although not horribly less) that my current clinic seems risky.

I’ve just written Dr. Celebrity to ask if he’d suggest or condone either: (1) unmonitored clomid cycles and/or (2) a couple more IUIs.  Even paying for them we could do a bunch before they’d equal one IVF and we’ve pretty much had the same success with both procedures.

If those aren’t an option, I guess I start researching the ins and outs of adoption to see if it might work for us.  Hubby is from the UK so maybe we can adopt from there?

The other…risky…probably stupid idea…..is to use my stash of follistim in an unmonitored cycle.  Anyone tried that?

13dpiui

In the midst of worrying about the move and quitting my job and finding a new place to live, I’d done a very good job of not worrying about this IUI cycle.

Until last Friday.

Feeling….well, pregnant, thanks to the progesterone, I tested at 10dpiui (11 days past trigger) and it was positive.

Initially I was a bit freaked out as here I am moving and taking on a new job as is hubby who would then have to quit his job to stay home with the baby.  But then, I realized that it meant that (1) we wouldn’t have to pay for IVF, (2) we wouldn’t have to go through IVF and (3) we’d have a baby so what the hell was I whining about???

I tested on Saturday - 11dpiui on a cheaper test and it was positive (but lighter).

I tested Sunday morning with the same cheaper test and it was positive but slightly lighter still.

Because I was then out of progesterone and didn’t want to have to go into the city for more if I didn’t need them, I tested again - this time with a digital and with a FRER.  The digital was positive.  The FRER was negative.

I got the progesterone (although I didn’t because they left the wrong amount and my insurance won’t cover it so I nabbed one from my good friend PeeSticksandStones).

Today I went in for my first ever “I’m not really sure what the result is” beta.  And it was negative.

So now I wait for my period.

And I figure out when to go pick up my load of IVF medication.

And I worry about how I’m going to deal with moving on the day of my beta (possibly with the generous help of friends who are then going to be staying with us for a few days) should it be negative. And I worry about how I’m going to work in an office with a dedicated playroom for the owners’ young children.

And I worry about what comes next.  If anything….

10 dpiui

Sorry for being out of touch for so long, particularly during NCLM but thanks for all of the comments from new readers!

This past week has been a whirlwind.  One of those storms that stirs up the ground and leaves things in unfamiliar places.  The air feels fresher but different.  Things aren’t necessarily where you left them.

This past weekend we visited Nashville.  I signed a contract for my new job.  We signed a lease for an apartment. None of those were easy.

Hubby and I were at each other’s throats the whole trip. Mr. Company Owner was hours late to our planned meeting (apparently typical). Mrs. Company Owner, who had her children after 40 compliments of clomid, invited us to their daughter’s birthday party of the 4th of July should we already be there (um…..well sure, if this IUI turns out to be successful or next month’s IVF does than yes, I’d love to come.  If they fail, well the idea of spending a day with giddy children and cake sounds like my idea of hell.)

We rented a beautiful place that was very close to being double the amount we’d budgeted for rent and that is, in fact more than we’re paying in NY for less space.  But what space it has is beautiful - a HUGE backyard and deck, a fireplace, a new lovely clean kitchen with cabinets that aren’t falling down and I didn’t see a single roach the whole time we were there.  We have bird feeders and even one for squirrels.  I know that you in the midwest are probably laughing but I’d imagine that those from cities are sighing just about now as we did when we saw it (although that being said, the space is so different from our current place that I’ve no idea if any of our furniture will fit in an appropriate way - what the heck do you put into a 7ft bay window anyhow????).  The kicker was basically that no one would take our large, friendly golder retriever.  Note to anyone renting our their house/apartments: a dog’s size is not representative of the damage they might do.  Our 70lb golden will be nicer to your floors and lawn than a hyperactive peakaneese.  Just saying….

Today I had to give notice to my wonderful boss ON THE PHONE.  She’s dealing with a health crises and isn’t in the office.  Thankfully she was supportive and wonderful which only served to make me feel guiltier…..

I know this is all, ultimately, happy stuff.  But my heart is always in New York and I’m leaving behind a job I love, coworkers who have become family, friends that already are and an affinity for the city that keeps drawing me back.  Thankfully I think there might be some business trips that bring me back here.

And of course my IVF clinic. I’m currently at 10dpiui, hating the fact that I’m on progesterone and therefore can’t judge any symptoms on their own merit. Also, this is the first time I’ve ever used Ovidrel instead of pure HCG and my clinic gives double-doses (10,000) for some reason so I’ve no idea when it will really be out of my system.

If this cycle fails, we’re on to IVF #1 next month in the midst of moving.  If I manage to get pregnant it will definitely refute any stress/infertility connection.  At least for me.

I’m thinking ahead but trying not to.  Thinking about what to do if the IVF fails as the grant we’re covered under is good for a year but I would need to be seen at my NYC clinic. Thinking about the processes of adoption.

There is a lot to “wait and see” about.  That isn’t my strongest suit.  But I think I need to learn it soon. No one can ever say that my life is boring…..

2dpiui

Usually one to put all my eggs in one basket (I know, unfortunate analogy but its true!), I’m uncharacteristically being forced to branch out this time and that isn’t such a bad thing.

Tuesday was our IUI. Yesterday we went in for our IVF orientation session. My first reaction was….hmmmm….my previous feeling was right- this really IS what the clinic focuses on. While the nurses and everyone has been great through our IUI processes, I’ve often had the feeling that IUIs are kind of an afterthought in the high-tech ART world.

The session yesterday began with information that it took me months to learn about my clinic as an IUI patient: what days each doctor is on call, where the fellows fit in, etc…. IUI patients only get instruction on how to administer follistim.

Anyhow…we were one of 4 couples there (well 3.5 as one women’s husband couldn’t attend). I’m not sure about one of the them but one of the couples seemed to be going along the same path as us - IUI veterans pinning their hopes on the ultimate of IVF. The other…sigh….a beautiful blond couple, dripping with diamonds and perfectly dressed going for child NUMBER FOUR at the clinic. I really do with them all the best and they seemed really nice but….how many ways to you really want me to feel inferior???

Anyhow….we went through the whole IVF process, the medication process and the shot process (complete with foam butt in oversized panties!). My husband who can’t watch a shot being giving on TV had a very laissez-faire attitude towards giving me the shots that will, I fear, last until he has an actual needle in his hands. I do plan on taking advantage of the clinic’s offer to draw a circle in the appropriate part of my nether regions however. I’d rather look silly than have a progesterone needle in my sciatic nerve (sorry, I have one friend who is going to read that and relive a few years of back and nerve pain…apologies!).

Because we’ve been approved for the state grant, the otherwise overwhelming billing discussions weren’t relevant to us but the other couples mentioned that their insurances didn’t cover IVF. OY! And because we’re covered by the grant, the medicine is automatically ordered and ready when we need it.

We did have to sign a lot of forms declaring our intentions for the eggs should one of us die or should we divorce or decide to stop the process with eggs still frozen or left over.  We hadn’t really thought about this before but came to the same decisions although I’m acutely aware that more than one Law & Order episode has been based on the issue.

I did have to question the follistim prescription though. I’ve read that 450 is the max amount given. When I first joined my clinic for my first medicated IUI, I also scheduled an IVF (that was canceled because I was recovering from my D&C at the time and which we could never have afforded anyhow) and my initial protocol was to start with 450 of follistim.

And that was fine. But during my first medicated IUI cycle, I started with 250. And I ended up with 8 follicles at one point and came very close to canceling that cycle (which we got pregnant with). Since then, I’ve been on 150 which has resulted in an average of 3 follicles. This past cycle (due to the herbs/acupuncture???), 150 almost proved to be too much. I’m not sure what the final count was (I suspect 4) but 2 days before the IUI, we measured 6 large follicles. And I had a previously unexperienced side effect of having my feet swell up to the point that I had no real shoes I could wear comfortably.

So 450….um….yes, I know we don’t have a lot of chances at this and we want a ton of eggs but…..I’m envisioning my body totally freaking out, producing 35 eggs and my not being able to move just at the time I’m going to need to pack our house up and move. I’ve checked this with Dr. Celebrity who confirms that he wants me to start on 450 and I know that if I don’t trust him implicitly, there is no real point to going to one of the best clinics in the country. So I’ll do 450 with a smile on my face. Or something like that!

As for the IUI cycle….I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I was hopeful but with so much else going on, I’m not fixated on it….which might not be a bad thing in the long run!