While there has, again, been no movement on the adoption front….I haven’t checked out – I’ve been following mailing lists, answering emails from agencies and sending off questions – but a decision hasn’t been made because I’ve been waiting for other parts of my life to shake out. And they more or less have.
I took my current job last year in part because of a deep passion for the product the company produces. This truly is the only job in the country that could truly blend my career and my passion. And as hubby was losing his mind in the Big City, we knew we’d have to leave anyhow. Although I had some reservations, I knew that I HAD to try this job or I would forever second-guess myself.
And try it I have. I’m not going to bad mouth the company. What they produce is fantastic. I just can’t work here. My stress level over the last 9 months has been extraordinary. Even when I haven’t thought I was stressed, Hubby and a few very close friends have remarked on it. And I know from how exhuasted I’ve been and how little I’ve actually had the energy to accomplish outside work, that I was being dragged down by the dysfunctionality of the inner workings here.
Part of what’s held me together has been my freelance work for my previous company. It kept us financially afloat while hubby was looking for a job and it gave me a sane forum to work in, which I deeply needed while I navigated the total insanity of my new company.
Throughout this process, I’ve floated the idea to my old boss that I should telecommute. The idea obviously terrified her. She wasn’t ready for a department head to be half-way across the country and while I didn’t agree with her, I couldn’t argue. Last week, I was on a conference call with her and some board members. It was one of those calls where the ideas were flying around, each of us building on each other’s. The next day she emailed me and said that she wanted to talk to find out if I was still willing to commute.
I told her that I was, she floated it by the powers that be and we talked last night and I accepted my old position back.
Not only does this mean a more stress-free (but no less productive) job but it means a higher salary, double the amount of vacation, holiday time and a reinstatement of all of my old benefits which were abundant and missing from the small family-owned company I’m working for now. It means that once hubby learns all he can at his current job that we can move. Anywhere we want and I’ll be assured of having a good and stable job.
It also means a reinstatement of the health insurance that I’ve been paying $700/month for on COBRA. You know…the one that covers unlimited IUIs!?!
On that note, I have to say that it’s telling that both hubby and one of my best friends came to that realization before I did. And at 43 1/2 now…..I’m thinking that I should pay attention to that. We’ve made a plan to move on and although I desperately want a biological child with hubby, I don’t think it’s going to happen. And our resources need to be focused elsewhere.
I won’t be starting the new/old job for a few months anyhow. I need to see a major project through here and I need to give a month’s notice. There are also other issues like accrued vacation time and a commission check that I won’t receive until April 1. To sum up the craziness here I found out that I’m the first employee EVER to have a written contract. And the first to ever ask about what happens to accrued vacation time were I to leave. In the past, people either left and didn’t give it a thought or left in such tumultuous circumstances that I think they did’t care – they just wanted to be free.
And I do feel a weight off my shoulders. Notice-giving is going to be hard as my current bosses are NOT going to take it well. AT ALL. And they’re going to try to make me feel as guilty and horrible as they can. I need to steal myself.
But now that that’s taken care of, we can start focusing on the rest of our lives. I can get caught up on the emails that have been languishing in my box and other projects that have been put indefinitely on hold. I can start figuring out how I’m going to deal with the isolation that scares me about telecommuting and how I’m not going to turn into a complete couch potato. Everything has it’s challeges. But for the moment, I’m really happy…..
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14/15 dpiui
As I gathered up my filled sharps containers this morning and prepared to leave for this rather pointless beta, I recognized what I was feeling. It was the same way that I felt the morning of my grandmother’s funeral. My grandmother was 95. I knew that she was going. I had a lot of time to prepare. But that didn’t make her passing any less sad. I think about her every day and miss her in my life.
Likewise, I knew that this day would come. Knew there would be a time when we would get off the infertility merry-go-round either because we were fortunate enough to get pregnant or because it just didn’t work. But that doesn’t make it any less sad.
I turned in my sharps containers, paid up my balance from all of the co-pays they somehow decided not to charge me when I was there. Yesterday, I fielded a call from my insurance company wanting to know if I needed refills on my meds; hopefully they won’t call back. I told the lab person that I was going to be in meetings all day; that I know that this beta will be negative and that the nurse should leave a mesage. That I didn’t want to have to call back and deal with a live person. She dutifully wrote the note down. Hopefully they’ll follow those instructions.
I’d hoped to see my favorite nurse there and the office manager who has been so helpful (even before I moved) but as I was in so early, neither of them were there. I need to write a note to Dr. Ambitious thanking him for going out on a limb for me. It’s been a crazy ride with this clinic but I can’t say that he didn’t try or didn’t listen to my wishes or concerns.
I’m grateful that this is a long weekend and although I will allow myself to mourn tonight, I’m going to do my best to focus on tomorrow being Valentine’s Day. I owe hubby a lot of attention after being so distracted for the past year in particular. I have Monday off and to myself so I’m going to indulge myself by getting my eyebrows waxed (harder to find and more expensive than it was in NYC), coloring my hair, making an indulgent dinner and catching up on some DVDs.
I’ll also sort through my remaining meds and see what is still in date and what I can give to someone who doesn’t have insurance. Watch this space if you use/need Repronex or know someone who does. I may have other meds but I’m not really sure at the moment. I’ll also look into my Follistim to see if I have enough for one random unmonitored cycle to take place at some point in the future.
Before I left this morning I moved two books about international adoption into my Ama.zon shopping cart and ordered them. I’m part of their “Prime” club so I get my shipments in 2 business days. While I was first disappointed to see that I wouldn’t get the books until Tuesday, I think that’s okay. We aren’t going to start any process immediately. And there are things we need to discuss. It won’t matter that my next cycle is beginning next week. I don’t need to know what day I’m on at all times. That, on it’s own, is going to be a hard adjustment.
I WILL post the results of my beta after the call because I know that some of you wonderful friends and co-bloggers are crazy enough to be holding out hope for me. And I thank you for that. As hubby said this morning, either way, I know that we gave it our all. And at the end of the day, that will have to be enough.
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CD 13/14
I had a dream a few weeks ago about some kids I used to babysit for. They lived next door when I was in high school and they were wonderful (at about 7 and 3 or thereabouts) . Their parents actually weren’t a heck of a lot older than I was (about 10 years old than I was and about 10+ years younger than my parents) and were definitely on the liberal side of things. With the exception of one New Year’s Eve that made me promise to myself that I’d never spend the holiday alone watching the ball drop on TV again (the kids of course were asleep), I loved sitting for them and the always told me that I was their favorite.
I was heartbroken when they moved out of state. I visited them once after college as I was moving to that state too but then never saw them again. After my dream, I started looking for them. I learned some very interesting things about the paths that the parents lives took and learned that the mother had sadly died last year. In her obituary I found her daughter’s married names and have just become friends with the older on on Face.book. Both she and her sister have children – her sister’s daughter looking EXACTLY the way I remember the sister looking as a toddler. Creepy.
I’m not sure if I should be more creaped out than I am. After all, everyone has kids now. Even people I think of as being 7 years old.
For myself, I’m very mindful of the lasts I’m dealing with: The last shots being given tonight, the last beta tomorrow. Yes, there is of course always the chance of something randomly happening naturally (I’ve heard that people DO have babies without doctor’s being involved!), and there is still the chance of a cycle using up my follistim and gaining some more room in the fridge. But cycling will no longer be the focus of so much of my thinking.
Although I thought I’d want to take some time off to mourn this cycle (and all the ones before it) – and I will be picking up a large bottle of wine today so that I’m prepared for tomorrow night – I’m finding that I don’t. The mourning will happen in it’s own time. I’ve actually tripped across what I think our next step is. I haven’t had a chance to discuss it with hubby yet, so I’m not going to go into it here. But it feels right. To me at least. We will get our finances sorted out and redefine the way we spend our time without runs to a clinic and shots to be given and things that must be done and can’t be done and then, hopefully we’ll forge ahead.
Which brings me to one more thing. I’m never really sure who reads this blog. I know a few real life friends and relatives who do. And there are blog friends like Pam and Oro and Calliope and Becky and Angela (among others) who have somehow managed to stick by me in all of this and keep reading even as they’ve traveled – and continue to travel – their own journies. And there is PeeSticksandStones who has crossed from the bounds of my computer into my real life and has become one of my biggest support systems. And to all of you, I want to say a huge and heartfelt “thanks”. Your comments and support have helped more than you can imagine.
I’m hoping that you all stick around and bring your friends. Our journey may take a different path than many of you have been fortunate to take. But it is by no means over. The dream continues.
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11/12 DPIUI
My hyperload of progesterone is just starting to be felt. Really my lining has never been in question, my one real “implantation” was without progesterone suppliments, etc…… HPT continues to be negative but I’m not really suprised there. Although obviously, I still harbor enough hope to keep testing. Because I’m like that. 
And so I’m wrestling with some minor cramping. But really, it’s nothing.
Anyhow, my current task at work is to rehaul our company website. We have a desogn/programming team building a site from the ground up for us and they’re doing a great job. The project is all mine on this end though so I not only get to do the conceptual work on it but I “get to” do things like re-enter all of the alphabetic sort codes on our site so that things list correctly. It’s absolutely mind-numbing and although I’ve been able to borrow other people’s interns, I can’t give them this task because there are other associations that need to be made that take a certain knowledge of our products.
That’s a long way of justifying the amount of time that I’ve been spending on Face.book lately as a way to not completely either lose my mind or fall asleep. And of course, I’m insanely (and probably unhealthily) fascinated by who amongst my group of “Friends” (some of whom I haven’t seen since Junior High) have children. Many of them come as no surprise. There are people who always wanted kids and it just seems natural. It’s a little harder when the class geeks now have children but even that is bearable.
And don’t get me wrong – I have very close and wonderful friends who have children or who are having children and I’m thrilled for them. That’s easy for me.
But every once in a while…..for instance…..there is an old co-worker of mine who befriended me, I’ll call Sally. She wrote and ask what was going on in my life and I told her. Honestly. I haven’t heard from her since. What really ticks me off about this is her own story. When I knew her she was part of a long-term lesbian couple. Both had been trying to get pregnant for years via IUIs. They finally adopted a beautiful little boy by advertising in a well-known music magazine. I kid you not. Now honestly, on paper they were exactly the type of couple I’d want raising my kids: very well off financially, very socially active, close to their families with huge groups of friends and communities, both educated and attractive and well-respected professionally.
Sally is my age and from my home state. Her partner was a few years older and ended up going through IVF. They got pregnant with twins. One of them was diagnosed with autism at around 6 months which is probably the last time I saw them. Shortly after, I heard that the couple was splitting up. Sally told a mutual friend that the close relationship had been a sham. That they should have split up much earlier but that they wanted to uphold the appearance of being the ideal lesbian couple so that they didn’t let their community down.
Sally got custody of the adopted son. Her partner kept her biological children. I’m not even sure if Sally has visitation rights. She started her own company. She met a man. The next I heard, she was married and had a daughter. I just found out on Facebook that she’s pregnant again.
I’ve tried for days to figure out why this pisses me off so much. I’m absolutely capable in glorying in the pregnancies of others – particularly those who have wrestled with infertility. I guess it’s just that it’s all seemed to come so easily for her. And that she couldn’t be bothered to answer my note. That she’s achieved all of these things I dream about and she couldn’t be bothered.
Sorry….had to get that off my chest.
If you’re still reading, thanks.
Hubby started work today. (Yesterday was orientation). Honestly, I can’t even seem to remember what day it is this week. Friday – the day of my beta – seems to be such a dividing line to my life. I’m still emotionally trying to sort out the before/after the maybe I’ll get pregnant and the headlong into adoption. Hubby did find out that his company on-site childcare has a one-year waiting list. I wonder how that’s going to work what with the uncertainty of adoption and all…….
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CD 10/11
It is 72 degrees out as I write this. In February. Anyhow, I’m blaming the temperature, the fact that we bought a Jeep (which is much easier to drive than I was expecting) this weekend, that hubby went to his new job orientation this morning, and that I finally don’t feel like I’m on death’s door from this killer cold for this completely unexplainable good mood I’m in.
Okay, I mean I’m not flying off the rafters and leaping in joy but…..I’m not currently as depressed as I think I should be given the futility of this cycle (not to mention the length that it takes to get a shot of 2.5ML of progesterone mixed with .5 of delestrogen – really, I mean I could read a chapter of an average book while waiting for hubby to finish the shot).
And I’m sure that this will all come crashing down following the beta on Friday.
But while we were walking around on Saturday, I had a very clear moment of peace. I don’t think I can give up the dream of a biological child. I mean, I just don’t know how to do that. But at the same time, I’m so physcially tired from these over-medicated cycles that I’m just relieved to think of them ended. Of reclaiming my body and getting back in shape and getting a little breathing room from all of this. I want to have my period sneak up on me without my counting the days (will I ever really go back to that blissful ignorance?); I want to share a bottle of wine with hubby or sit in a hot tub or not worry that I’ll be out of town on a day that I need to be here to get to the clinic. I want to get our bills paid off and stop spending large amounts of money on insurance that I can’t use because the one lab girl is out of town.
I know that we’re about to venture into another type of world that comes with its own obstacles. I know little about the process of adoption although I’m very close to a surprisingly large number of adoptees and I hope that I can learn from their experiences. I know that Friday is going to be hard. And I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t have hope in my heart of this cycle – or any natural cycle in the future – working. I’m a crazy kind of optimist by nature. In my mind I still see the picture of a little girl who looks like hubby (well, at least like his nieces!) and I. And I don’t think I’ll be able to let that go until I’m well past menopause. But I think I’m ready to admit that we’ve tried. And to make my peace with that as much as can be done.
In the meantime, I’m POAS daily. But we’ve also made Valentine’s Day plans that I’m looking forward to. I’ll need to mourn. But then I’ll need to move on. And get excited again.
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