PerchanceToDream

We move today. It doesn’t feel bad, just surreal - like we’re going on a short vacation and will be home soon.

In truth, I begin my new job on Monday. We’ll spend the weekend unpacking and then I’ll head off to my still untitled (as far as I know) new position.

If I’m lucky I’ll have a few hours to sit on the deck and cry and try to deal with all of the emotions that keep threatening to overwhelm me but which I’ve been trying to keep at bay so that I can, at least somewhat, enjoy my last few days here.

I’ve mentioned before that my new office has a playroom for the owners’ 2 kids.  I’ve been really bracing myself for this.  It isn’t the kids faults (nor the owners) that I can’t seem to carry a pregnancy.  Doesn’t make it easy though. And today I receive an e-mail from my new company inviting me (and everyone else on their mailing list) to a performance by Mrs. Company Owner.  Oh…and their six year-old.

I must be out of my mind for putting myself through this.

I did get to speak to Dr. Celebrity yesterday.  Getting him on the phone is difficult but once he’s there I have to say that he is attentive and answers all the questions you can throw at him.

My main question: At almost 43 it is really worth trying to do another IVF? We went through my reaction to the meds (good), the number of eggs (good), the number going to blast (better than average for my age) and the quality of said blasts (again, better than most in my age group).

He said to go for it.

The caveat is that we can really only do this through the grant.  And the administrators of the grant know that we’re moving.  And we have to be resident here.  That’s the one bit that the doc couldn’t help with.  I’ve written a plea to the billing people and am now waiting.  If they say we can do it, I think we will sometime after hubby finds a job.

If they say no……I’ve no idea.

My new insurance covers nothing in terms of infertility.  Hubby’s probably won’t either but I’m praying I’m wrong. To pay $9K out of pocket for an IVF at a clinic with less success rates (although not horribly less) that my current clinic seems risky.

I’ve just written Dr. Celebrity to ask if he’d suggest or condone either: (1) unmonitored clomid cycles and/or (2) a couple more IUIs.  Even paying for them we could do a bunch before they’d equal one IVF and we’ve pretty much had the same success with both procedures.

If those aren’t an option, I guess I start researching the ins and outs of adoption to see if it might work for us.  Hubby is from the UK so maybe we can adopt from there?

The other…risky…probably stupid idea…..is to use my stash of follistim in an unmonitored cycle.  Anyone tried that?

Beta = 5 so we’re out for this round.

Doctor hasn’t called me back yet so I have no ideas about the next step.

My coworkers just threw me a nice lunch which included an ice cream cake.

But it really isn’t the same.

11dp5dt

Today is beta #2. But in all honesty, starting with a beta of 15 doesn’t give me hope for anything.  Yes, I’ve read the 6 or 7 posts of people who HAVE had similar first betas and have gone on to have actual children. But that’s 6 or 7 out of the whole internet which is a low enough percent for me not to expect anything other than a chemical from this.

Which doesn’t really explain why I bought 2 FRERs yesterday and used one to get a light (not faint line).  FRERs are evil and way too sensitive. They just feed into my self-destructive behavior….

I DO thank all of you for your kind and supportive comments. It’s very nice to know that people I’ve never even met are pulling for us and it makes this all a little less lonely.

So I’m waiting for the nurses’ call which I’ll probably let go to voicemail because I really just don’t want to have the conversation.

Yesterday the movers came and cleared out out apartment.  They were there for 5.5 hours.  We are left with the few things we’re taking with us, an aerobed and a very confused dog and cat.

It is hard not to equate the empty apartment with my empty(ing) uterus. Everything just feels vacant.

I’m trying hard to figure out why everything feels like an ending instead of a new beginning.  I’ve moved states (and countries) before so it isn’t like this is new to me.  I think the specter of this failed IVF, my fear that we won’t have a chance for another round, my husband’s reluctance to move into adoption (he’s willing to do so for me but not interested in it otherwise), and the general stress of moving from someplace I’m otherwise happy in are just getting intertwined.  I DO know intellectually that there will be great aspects to this move.  I just can’t emotionally connect to them.

My co-workers will be saying goodbye to me today complete with an ice-cream cake and hubby and I will go to one or two of our favorite places tonight where I will either be indulging in some evil combination of sangria and sake or confusedly abstaining. The one thing keeping me together is that I know that one way or another I’ll come back to NYC, even if it isn’t to live. (If we do another IVF, it will be here and I’ll probably have a conference or two to attend for work).

If any of you co-bloggers live in Nashville, I’d love to hear from you once this all sinks in and I actually accept that we’re moving tomorrow

The thing I wanted least has happened.  I went for my beta this morning and it was……….a whopping 15.

Neither positive nor negative but in the back of my mind I had some feeling that the dark-light-dark HPTs and the on-off symptoms might mean a chemical.

Back to the doctor’s on Monday but crying today….

8dp5dt

At least mine is.

My beta is tomorrow.  My last day of work is Tuesday and we leave town right after.

I’m uneasy and unsettled.  I feel like I’m in the midst of a swirling cloud of questions:

Will my beta be positive? If so will it be a viable pregnancy? If so will I be a good mother (you know, the kind that all the other kids’ friends like….I was fortunate that my dad was like that and I hope that I would be as good).

Will this new job work out or will I kill my new boss in the first week (a distinct possibility as his lack of planning and organization is already making me insane)? Will I be able to pay off my debt on this salary? Will hubby find a good job. If we have a child will he realize that part-time childcare isn’t a horrible thing if it means he can work and keeps us from declaring bankruptcy?

Will I grow to like Nashville? Will our marriage thrive or flounder there? We seem to do best in places where I’ve got a firm base of operations (job, friends, life in general).

I had a few hours to myself last night and decided to get a hair cut and walk around a bit. I did wander but not enough to properly say goodbye to New York. This city has been able to get me through a lot of hard times; I am different here than I am anywhere else.  In a good way. I’ve been ticking things off my “places we have to go to again before we leave”.  Some of them we’ve skipped because sitting in a dark bar just isn’t so much fun if you can’t drink (why am I always in the midst of a cycle when I most want to be able to go out?). But it’s hard to capture a city in isolated places.

The last time I left New York, to move to England and marry hubby, I didn’t know if I’d be back. Having had the chance to live here for a few more years has made leaving all the harder.  I know that there are things to look forward to (with luck, there will be pregnancy to look forward to which should do a nice job of distracting me!). But for now I’m trying to find a way to walk away from here without it hurting so much and I’m failing.