PerchanceToDream

4dp5dt

…not a heck of a lot.

Yeah, I’ve got that kinda full abdominal feeling. And yeah, my stomach is a little….odd…but, none of my usual HCG symptoms are present (typically the tingly chest thing is the give-away and I just have the mild progesterone soreness).

I’m preparing for the bad news on Saturday that this will be a failed IVF. Which doesn’t mean that I’ve given up hope because that’s a huge character flaw with me - I always have a secret hope that things will work out in the end. Which means that I’m often disappointed.

I’ve had to write Dr. Celebrity to request an end of the week phone call to discuss either (a) who to arrange my 3rd beta with in Nashville and how to proceed or (b) whether using the 2nd IVF on the grant is worth it now that we’ve had a look at my highly average eggs.

In most ways, I’m very glad that it is still Monday. This weekend will be the beta and perhaps the end of this part of my dream for a child. It will also be our last weekend in New York which a friend aptly referred to as “a type of death”.

People keep asking me if I’m excited about the move and that’s such a complicated question.  I can picture hubby and me sitting, surrounded by candles and a firepit, on the deck of our rented townhouse, enjoying the quiet of a summer night.  Something we certainly can’t do in NYC. I see us cuddling on the couch in front of our roaring fireplace in the winter (or what passes for winter in Nashville).  I picture watching the dog watching squirrels and running through the backyard and the cat sitting, looking longingly out the screen door.

I look forward to all of that.  I look forward to most of the challenges that will be involved with my new job and that aren’t related to my new boss’s flakiness.

And there will come a time, when I’m happy in our new life. (I hope anyhow).

But the sadness that I’m feeling at leaving everything here is pretty much all pervasive. Everything I’m doing I’m doing for what may be the last time here and I hate that thought.  I’ve lived in many places: Michigan, Chicago, Washington DC, England, New Jersey and New York. And for all the things I hate about it, New York and I are linked in a similar way to that of me and Michigan (where I was born and lived through college). Its just a part of me and I of it.

I know that there is some sort of literary parallel here.  These two issues coming to a head at the same time are doing so for a reason and I’m sure that there is a subtext that I could learn something from if I could quiet my brain enough to sort through it.

But I’m currently (a) plowing through packing and the multitude of loose ends that need to be sorted before next week and (b) trying to monitor symptoms and prepare myself for whatever comes from my beta on Saturday because I’m going to have to pull myself together to deal with our going-away get together Saturday night and the movers on Sunday (not to mention work and a cross-country trek).

I think I’ll put aside a weekend in August to sit on our new deck and sort all of this out. I can’t imagine having the time before then.

Yesterday’s retrieval went well.  The thing I was struck with was how very different (in a good way) my clinic’s operation room and set-up from from the horrible abortion mill I was forced to have my D&C in (because it was Christmas week and the operating rooms at both my clinic and my gyn’s office were closed).

We were escorted in.  Questions were answered.  The anesthesiologist made me laugh. A local was even given before they put the needle in my hand.  And then I drifted off to sleep and that was that.  Wasn’t too sore last night and today I feel fine although I’m a bit fuzzy still from the medication.

They retrieved 11 eggs.  On today’s call, they told me that we didn’t need ICSI (go sperm!), 5 eggs were mature and had fertilized and one looked like it might catch up.  I was hoping for more; was hoping for 4 to implant this time and 4 to freeze.  At my age, my clinic transfers an average of 3.2 and as this might be my only shot, I’m hoping they’re go for the higher amount. But, of course I’m glad that we DO have the 5/6 at this point.  Now I have to pray that they stick around.

I’m booked in for a day 3 transfer (Tuesday) with the head honcho doctor at the clinic (the one doctor there I haven’t met yet).  If my embryos and I make it to day 5 (Thursday) I’ll end up with a doctor I really like.  I’m sad that my own doctor won’t be doing this but I know that he has to sign off on my records and is watching the progress so that’s okay.

I’m planning on doing acupuncture before and after my transfer even though it means hauling down to chinatown.  I’m not sure how that really plays in the idea of bedrest.  Is it worth it?  I don’t want to leave any stones unturned so I’ll probably do it.

Tonight begins the scary progesterone shots. I had the nurse in the operating theater draw x’s on me for them but they’re so much lower that we were told to do that I think we’re going to aim for the same spot of the HCG shot and hope for the best.  Tomorrow I’ll head to the clinic to have proper circles drawn on.

I’m not sure how people manage to schedule these shots anyhow.  There are nights when hubby will be away and my friend peesticksandstones is generously loaning me her husband; there are nights we’ll be going out and I think I’m going to ask a co-worker to do them or hubby will need to come to my office and we’ll sequester ourselves in the handicapped bathroom.  What’s making this harder is that there are a number of places we want to go for the “last” time as we’re leaving the big city on July 1 (beta will be June 28).  And there is NOOOOO way I’m letting hubby near me with a needle after he’s had a drink.  So that bit is all going to be interesting.

And the packing continues.  And the arguing with the moving company (who is charging us $500 extra so that we don’t have to wait an undetermined 5-14 days to get our stuff yet keeps moving their estimated timing farther and farther apart). And trying to finish up at work even though my lovely boss (she really is!) keep throwing new projects at me because she’s terrified she won’t find anyone to replace me who can handle them.  I HAVE however finished up my lingering freelance assignments and hopefully no more will come on offer because I can’t turn down the chance to (1) make money and (2) write something for hire.

But in the meantime, really, these are just all diversions.  My mind is with our little embryos floating around in the petri dishes of our clinic.

Okay, yes I am….

Just got the call from the clinic and HCG shot is to be given by my brave hubby at 12.30am tomorrow morning with the retrieval planned for Saturday.

The timing, as usual, sucks.  I needed the weekend to pack.  We had our going away get together planned for Saturday night and we’re now going to have to delay that until after the beta….

AND out of five doctors at the clinic, I’m getting the one that I like the least.  I’m sure she’s competent, she just has NO bedside manner.  That also means that I have no chance of getting “my” doctor for the transfer although I could possibly get peesticksandstones’ doctor, which would make her very jealous.

We still don’t have anything locked in with our movers.  A realtor is coming tonight to show our apartment. We’re having boxes delivered and now I have 2 days to basically pack my life up.

NOW I’m feeling over-whelmed.  Please send a deep breath my way….

Cd 1

This cycle starts our first, and perhaps only (but I hope not regardless of the outcome), try at IVF.  Tomorrow I go in for blood and ultrasound; collect my medications, hubby starts antibiotics and I start injecting huge amounts of Follistim.

My only concerns in the short-term are:

1. I’m pretty darn sure that I have cysts left from my last cycle.  Dr. Celebrity promises that very few IVF cycles are canceled due to cysts but you know…I’ve got a habit of being the one in a million for things going wrong.

2. Given the way I respond to Follistim (too well), the thought of taking 450 of it a day is freaking me out more than a little.  But I have faith in Dr. Celebrity and in my clinic and they assure me that this is the right amount for me to start with so that’s what I’m going to do.

I’m also already freaking out about the progesterone shots.  Hubby hates needles.  I hate pain.  This is NOT going to be fun.

As far as the impending move goes, we’ve already started packing and having moving estimators out. I really like the company who was out today but they’re all more expensive than I was hoping for (of course!).  There is a chance that friends will be available to drive us out in a truck but we won’t know until this weekend.

Oh and tomorrow is our 6th anniversary.  The year of iron, wood, and sugar.  We’re going to my favorite restaurant in NYC (hubby doesn’t mind - he isn’t quite the culinary snob I am! ) where I intend to partake of one of their lovely, perfect gin martinis.   Should be fun!  I’d share my iron, wood, and sugar gifts plans but you know how things written on the internet get out!

13dpiui

In the midst of worrying about the move and quitting my job and finding a new place to live, I’d done a very good job of not worrying about this IUI cycle.

Until last Friday.

Feeling….well, pregnant, thanks to the progesterone, I tested at 10dpiui (11 days past trigger) and it was positive.

Initially I was a bit freaked out as here I am moving and taking on a new job as is hubby who would then have to quit his job to stay home with the baby.  But then, I realized that it meant that (1) we wouldn’t have to pay for IVF, (2) we wouldn’t have to go through IVF and (3) we’d have a baby so what the hell was I whining about???

I tested on Saturday - 11dpiui on a cheaper test and it was positive (but lighter).

I tested Sunday morning with the same cheaper test and it was positive but slightly lighter still.

Because I was then out of progesterone and didn’t want to have to go into the city for more if I didn’t need them, I tested again - this time with a digital and with a FRER.  The digital was positive.  The FRER was negative.

I got the progesterone (although I didn’t because they left the wrong amount and my insurance won’t cover it so I nabbed one from my good friend PeeSticksandStones).

Today I went in for my first ever “I’m not really sure what the result is” beta.  And it was negative.

So now I wait for my period.

And I figure out when to go pick up my load of IVF medication.

And I worry about how I’m going to deal with moving on the day of my beta (possibly with the generous help of friends who are then going to be staying with us for a few days) should it be negative. And I worry about how I’m going to work in an office with a dedicated playroom for the owners’ young children.

And I worry about what comes next.  If anything….