PerchanceToDream

11/12 DPIUI

My hyperload of progesterone is just starting to be felt.  Really my lining has never been in question, my one real “implantation” was without progesterone suppliments, etc……  HPT continues to be negative but I’m not really suprised there.  Although obviously, I still harbor enough hope to keep testing. Because I’m like that. And so I’m wrestling with some minor cramping. But really, it’s nothing.

Anyhow, my current task at work is to rehaul our company website.  We have a desogn/programming team building a site from the ground up for us and they’re doing a great job.  The project is all mine on this end though so I not only get to do the conceptual work on it but I “get to” do things like re-enter all of the alphabetic sort codes on our site so that things list correctly.  It’s absolutely mind-numbing and although I’ve been able to borrow other people’s interns, I can’t give them this task because there are other associations that need to be made that take a certain knowledge of our products.

That’s a long way of justifying the amount of time that I’ve been spending on Face.book lately as a way to not completely either lose my mind or fall asleep. And of course, I’m insanely (and probably unhealthily) fascinated by who amongst my group of “Friends” (some of whom I haven’t seen since Junior High) have children.  Many of them come as no surprise.  There are people who always wanted kids and it just seems natural.  It’s a little harder when the class geeks now have children but even that is bearable.

And don’t get me wrong – I have very close and wonderful friends who have children or who are having children and I’m thrilled for them.  That’s easy for me.

But every once in a while…..for instance…..there is an old co-worker of mine who befriended me, I’ll call Sally.  She wrote and ask what was going on in my life and I told her.  Honestly.  I haven’t heard from her since.  What really ticks me off about this is her own story.  When I knew her she was part of a long-term lesbian couple.  Both had been trying to get pregnant for years via IUIs.  They finally adopted a beautiful little boy by advertising in a well-known music magazine.  I kid you not.  Now honestly, on paper they were exactly the type of couple I’d want raising my kids: very well off financially, very socially active, close to their families with huge groups of friends and communities, both educated and attractive and well-respected professionally.

Sally is my age and from my home state. Her partner was a few years older and ended up going through IVF. They got pregnant with twins.  One of them was diagnosed with autism at around 6 months which is probably the last time I saw them.  Shortly after, I heard that the couple was splitting up.  Sally told a mutual friend that the close relationship had been a sham.  That they should have split up much earlier but that they wanted to uphold the appearance of being the ideal lesbian couple so that they didn’t let their community down.

Sally got custody of the adopted son.  Her partner kept her biological children.  I’m not even sure if Sally has visitation rights.  She started her own company.  She met a man.  The next I heard, she was married and had a daughter. I just found out on Facebook that she’s pregnant again.

I’ve tried for days to figure out why this pisses me off so much.  I’m absolutely capable in glorying in the pregnancies of others – particularly those who have wrestled with infertility.  I guess it’s just that it’s all seemed to come so easily for her.  And that she couldn’t be bothered to answer my note.  That she’s achieved all of these things I dream about and she couldn’t be bothered.

Sorry….had to get that off my chest.

If you’re still reading, thanks.

Hubby started work today. (Yesterday was orientation).  Honestly, I can’t even seem to remember what day it is this week.  Friday – the day of my beta – seems to be such a dividing line to my life. I’m still emotionally trying to sort out the before/after the maybe I’ll get pregnant and the headlong into adoption.  Hubby did find out that his company on-site childcare has a one-year waiting list.  I wonder how that’s going to work what with the uncertainty of adoption and all…….