Winds of Change
The phone rang yesterday and it was our SW. Usually this makes me nervous (because usually she calls when she’s realized that she doesn’t have some really complicated piece of information that means that we need to make multiple international calls to sort it out) and I held my breath when I heard her voice. In reality though, she was calling to tell me that she’d finished the draft of our home study and was going to email it.
And that she did. She actually did a pretty good job although it made me laugh in many places because she took direct quotes from our interviews and used them in somewhat odd ways. It was interesting to see what she focused on and interesting to see what quotes she pulled from our recommendation letters (only some of which we saw before they were submitted).
So I feel good that we’re almost done with this piece of the puzzle. In the meantime, I’m awaiting word from our placing agency that our application has been approved. They keep saying “We can’t imagine that there is any reason it wouldn’t be” but…..that’s one of those foreboding things in movies that always means that something will go wrong. “What could possibly be lurking in the basement?”
As a member of the mailing list for the placing agency’s “waiting children” e-mails, I had an interesting experience yesterday. Hubby and I have agreed that there are some “minor” and, in some cases “correctable” special needs that we could deal with. We actually had little problems filling out the list because we both agreed that if one of us had an issue with a medical condition we wouldn’t accept it. So hubby, an avid hiker who wants to share that with his children, prefers that we not adopt a child who has mobility issues. I’m a music writer (in part) and as we spend a great deal of time listening to music (live and recorded) I would prefer a child who doesn’t have hearing issues. And we’re both on board with those.
Yesterday I got a slew of videos from our placing agency. The children ranged from those with down syndrome and other obvious disabilities to one little boy whose medical issues weren’t apparent. And then there was a little girl. Obviously bright (Okay, I don’t understand Bulgarian but the cries of “bravo” from the staff who were filming her in response to her answers to questions was pretty clear), charming, with a smile that would light up a room. They then pulled her up and helped her walk across the room. I don’t know what type of muscle issues she has but walking is obviously difficult for her although she could do it while holding onto something and it didn’t seem to deter her from getting around. But she probably wouldn’t make it up the side of a mountain. Or ever a large hill. Not for a while anyhow.
In reality, it’s probably too soon for us to be “choosing” a child. Our home study isn’t completed, we haven’t even filed our I-800A (to the US State Department) because we don’t have our home study. Hell, our application hasn’t even been accepted from the placing agency. But it was an intense experience to finally look into the eyes of a little girl on a video and say “this could be our daughter”.
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On a purely administration issue, I’ve (finally) gone through the blogroll on the left and updated the lists. I deleted closed blogs, added a number of others that I’ve been following on Bloglines, and moved a ton of blogs from “infertility” to “parenting after infertility”. I’m happy for all of my cyber-sisters who moved over. Perhaps, as the nurse at my old clinic (and adoptive mother herself) once said “Most women who want a child usually end up with one, one way or another.” Amen!
Next up: A new format and header!
Midlife Something
Many thanks for the birthday wishes on and off this blog as well as the good thoughts for our home study.
Although our SW was on vacation last week and I’m sure it’s going to take her a while to get the study written, I finally feel we’re moving forward. At least somewhat. As such, we’ve finally filed our application with our placing agency. They still need to approve it, we’ll have more forms to fill out and then, once we get our home study, we can file our dreaded I-800A (the form that the US State Department needs to approve us for adoption).
As we go through this process – either a feast or famine of paperwork – Earth Mother from the placing agency is sending out information on waiting children. Most are special needs to some extent but some have fallen within our perimeters. Thankfully, none of the photos/reports have given me the feeling that “this child is the one”. If we had that feeling, in most cases, the child can be “held” for us. But we’re so far from having our dossier completed…I can’t stand the thought of a child just waiting there while we swim through these masses of paperwork and bureaucracy.
And as much as we want a child….there are a few things we need to take care of first so it’s all a bit of mixed feelings really.
One of the blogs that I follow (forgive me if it is yours, I don’t remember which one) recently asked the question “What first made you feel like an adult”. And I had to laugh when I read it. I don’t own a house. I don’t have a child. And I guess those two things, for some reason, equal adulthood for me. So…not sure if I’ve gotten there yet.
Now I have to say that growing up as an only child, with only one parent from the age of 13 after my mother died, I was on my own a bit. And, as my dad, and I had a strong and open relationship, I was given quite a bit of trust and freedom, which I was careful not to abuse. So perhaps the freedom that many people feel upon adulthood was something I’d had for a long time. I’m not really sure.
But a few things struck me on my birthday this year. I’m 44 and I’m still not sure what being “an adult” feels like. For some reason, this played into one of my birthday gifts as well. Hubby bought me (at my request) a make-up lesson with the person who did my make-up for my photo shoot. I never really learned how to put on makeup (thankfully I have pretty good skin, etc. and haven’t needed a lot). I’m sure a lot of this has to do with my mother passing away. My grandmother was a make-up fiend but I don’t know why she never taught me. Perhaps because I was never interested?
I’m not sure what is prompting my interest now. It isn’t that I’m looking so much older – I still find that people assume I’m in my early-mid 30’s. But it’s probably the same impetus that has me doing the South Beach diet again (phase 1 – no grains, sugars, fruit, etc…for 2 weeks) to try to finally rid myself of the 15 pounds gained in the fertility treatments. Once we have a child, that child’s needs will take precedence over everything else. Now is the time, I guess, for me to focus on myself while I can.
I always wanted to be a young parent but the opportunity never presented itself. I still think that it’s probably better, in many ways, for a child to have a younger parent. And perhaps what we’re setting out to do is somewhat selfish. We’ve gotten to live our lives as we chose and have hopefully learned enough to be better parents for it. At the very least, hopefully we won’t have those longings of “the life not lived”. If there is anything we haven’t accomplished, we have only ourselves to blame. Perhaps realizing that DOES make us adults.
Well THAT Was Easy
Over the past week we’ve pretty much plowed through a bunch of our last requirements for our home study. Last week we went to get our local clearances (and had a hysterical encounter with a young lad, trying to pull a report on the mother of his baby without knowing her birthday or social – or one might even guess, her last name) and then to get our state/federal fingerprints.
And yesterday was our home visit. The lead up to the visit was, frankly, a pain in the ass. I did some preliminary cleaning on Wednesday and decided to make cookies after hubby suggested that I make something that I like so that I’d have the leftovers (after all, carbs don’t count when you’ve made them for someone else right?). So I found a lemon cookie recipe and I made the dough and then realized that I had no parchment paper. I ran to the store, popped them into the oven for the required 15 minutes and….the bottoms were burnt. I put batch 2 in for 10 minutes and the same thing happened. I ended up with about 10 edible cookies and a bunch that I cut the bottoms off of before deciding that while I could eat them, I couldn’t serve them. Ah well….
Yesterday was a juggling routine of “working from home” while cleaning the house. Scrubbing counters while on conference calls, etc. And hubby could never understand why I insisted on getting phones with headset plugs! 
I set the coffee pot up and waited. Hubby came home early from work. SW showed up on time. She came in and took a dismaying look at our animals (1 golden retriever, 2 cats) and told us that she was severely allergic to cats. So we did a quick walkthrough and by quick I mean “Oh look, there’s a bathroom” and then went to talk on the deck.
Not once did she ask about outlet covers, where we kept our medicine, our low and exposed bar, the fireplace tools that are at the right height for a toddler to spear themselves on.
Throughout the conversation only one issue came up. Apparently USCIS (the US agency that needs to approve our international adoption) has gotten really picky about the wording on home studies and are holding parents to only accepting children who match the exact wording of the home study.
And here we get a little stuck. Hubby and I have always had our hearts set on having a daughter. Obviously, had we gotten pregnant we were 100% in the “so long as it’s healthy” court. But with adoption you have a choice. In fact you’re kind of forced to make a choice. We could say “either”. But in all likelihood this is the only time we’re going to do this. I think that hubby would be MUCH better with a daughter. Different parts of me yearn for each gender. SW had “either” on our home study because hubby had a sudden change of heart during our first meeting with her. But I know that there are many more boys available from Bulgaria than girls. “Either” is really going to end up being a boy.
Our other issue is with sibling groups. Domestic adoption allows for the option of changing your mind at the last minute and taking a sibling group. Hubby said, during our initial meeting that he’d be willing to do this. I was shocked as we’d never discussed it. I’m of 2 minds on this. First, neither of us has ever had kids and we’re far from anything resembling a nearby support system of friends or family. This is all going to be a learning experience and we’d probably be best suited to raising a single child. Also, hubby is still hoping that he can stay home with the child and I’ll be the sole financial support. One child seems safest.
But…..I’d be lying if part of me wasn’t yearning for the idea of siblings. I suspect that one child will make me want another. But I don’t see us going through the adoption thing again (I’ll be 44 next week and while a lot of older people DO adopt….I don’t think we will) and we’ve pretty much bungled up the “have sex/get pregnant” method. So what better to do than to adopt siblings?
Thankfully SW is on vacation next week. I’ve written an “urgent” email to Earth Mother at the placing agency asking her advice. I think though, we’re going to be forced to declare upfront “single, girl” and that’s what we’ll get.
At least now, I see that the homestudy will be approved. And we’re one step closer on this long path.
Time (Clock of the Heart)
Yeah, so I’m naming this post after a Culture Club song. As a child of the 80’s, I guess I’m allowed.
It’s funny though that I’ve suddenly amassed a number of friends who were born in the 80’s and that, to me, if just unfathomable. I mean so many of the pivotal things in my life took place during that crazy decade and I loved it. Although many happy things took place for me in the 90’s, I just never meshed with the music, the culture. Life just didn’t flow as smoothly.
Anyhow…..
I’ve pretty much had no time. Those of you who know me in real life are aware of how bad a correspondent I’ve become. I’m busier at work then I’ve ever been and am still doing a bit of freelancing on the side. And the adoption stuff. And hubby. And….well, my things to do list is now unraveling all over the floor.
There has been some movement on the adoption front though (okay, that might be overstating it). (1) hubby has his one-on-one with the SW today. I’m sure he’ll do fine. Hubby is nothing less than charming when he chooses to be. But he also isn’t one to bite his tongue and this is a situation that needs a little tongue biting. I know that I’ll be quite relieved if he comes home and says it went well.
(2) We finished our online adoption course yesterday. The last few chapters were actually interesting. A bit about Bulgaria. A bit about transitioning your adopted child home. But we both agree that the course was crap. Not a waste of time but way too academic and not really filled with anything practical. Now I know that I’ll have procured a sizable library of adoption, toddler, and toddler adoption books by the time we actually get a referral. I know that I’ll continue to read blogs and listserv posts for the foreseeable future and will take note of everything I read. But….not everyone will and hubby and I talked last night about how bad it is that the course doesn’t take that into account.
Now we wait for the rest of our recommendation letters to make their way to the SW. We go for our local clearances and fingerprinting (all to happen next week). Then we have the home visit – which is really a sham because there is no way that we’ll be living here by the time the adoption is finalized. We love the townhouse but we need a 3rd bedroom (since I work from home) and, for a rental, it would take too much money and work to make it child-friendly (for instance, we have a creek/drainage ditch in the back that is accessed by a decorative bridge. The rest isn’t fenced or enclosed in any way.
Speaking of money…..I literally thank the universe on a daily basis that hubby and I are both gainfully employed. But the damned credit card companies are on my last nerve. (1) I closed a card over a year ago and paid it off. When I went to log on to the website to make sure that I hadn’t accrued any additional finance charges, I couldn’t get in. I never heard from the bank again so I figured I was fine. Until other banks started talking about my “delinquency”. Turns out I owed them $15 for 3 months. which I was never notified about. But boy that 90-day late payment on my credit report took it all down. The bank has twice promised to reverse the note with all 3 agencies. This should be done by tomorrow so we’ll see. I hope – for them – that they’ve done it. (2) A bank that I have a long standing (good) relationship with acquired my “emergency” card. A card with a huge available limit that I’ve used for emergencies, business trips oh…and it was going to fund our adoption. Well, guess what. They just cut my limit IN HALF. With no notice I suddenly had a $10 available balance. I’ve never been late on this card. Always pay WELL over the minimum. And in part this is because of the first bank screwing with my credit report.
I know that we’ll sort out paying for the adoption. This year is all about paying things off and we’ll get there in time. But still. Can’t a girl catch a break?
Someday I’ll actually start writing some eloquent, non-rushed posts. Really. I promise. I have so many things rolling around in my head. I just need time to commit them to the keyboard.
Continuing Education
Hubby will tell you that I’m a research junky. It’s just something I’m really, really good at, and something I happen to like. And it’s not often that those two things go together.
By the time we finished infertility treatments I knew WAY more than I’d ever wanted to know about the ins and outs of it all. I suspect the same will happen with adoption. Currently, I’m mostly reading blogs. And mostly those about international adoption. Unfortunately, the process is so slow that what blogs there are, aren’t updated much. It can be a bit isolating.
I have a number of books on my wishlist that I’ll work my way through but it’s hard to take too much on when we’re looking at not bringing a child home for at least 2 years and probably longer.
One thing we ARE doing though, because we have no choice, is taking a 10-hour online course. It’s part of the Hauge requirements that, as part of the homestudy, adoptive families take some sort of formal adoption courses. And each placing agency interprets this differently.
I have to admit to excluding one agency we were looking at because their education requirement was so high. That agency sent you boxes and boxes of books and expected reports to be written as well as wanting you to take an in-person class. Now I’m really not adverse to reading about adoption. Or taking a class. Or even writing reports. But there are so many hurdles to jump through that I wanted to be the one to pick and choose what I looked into. And hubby was less than interested in those types of requirements.
So we chose the agency that was probably the best choice anyhow. And their requirement is a 10-hour online course. We’ve decided to break it into 5 segments, doing 2 sections a week. And I was actually somewhat excited to start it last week. But then we did.
The text is taken from a very dry study written in 2004. It isn’t overly text-heavy but it IS very clinical. It’s one thing to know about behavioural issues caused by institutionalization but damn! Tell me what to do about it? There is no practical information (which admittedly, I’ll be finding somewhere else but…) to be found here. No methods to try or signs to look for.
To prove that you’ve done the course, you take a test. In this case it’s approx. 3 very basic multiple choice questions following each section. So far, we’ve been 100% accurate but then I think we would have had we not even read the materials.
I’m not really sure what I expected or what I’d even suggest. What we’re doing is relatively painless but also without a lot of merit. Will we learn what we need from other sources? Sure! We even have one of the few international adoption clinics in the US, at the university that hubby works at. We’ll definitely take their course once we’re farther down the road. But not everyone has that opportunity. Not everyone is going to read as voraciously as I will. Why have an education requirement and not educate?
