Prayers to Broken Stones
“There are thoughts which are prayers.
There are moments when, whatever the posture of the body, the soul it on its knees.”
-Victor Hugo
I sometimes wish I was Catholic. In a Jewish service, when something really important is being said, we stand rather than kneel. But there are times when kneeling is the only thing that feels appropriate; where the sheer weight of your prayers feels as though it will drive you into the ground.
I’m on the brink of possibly achieving something I’ve waited many years for: A job that would merge my professional experience with my much-loved freelance work. The possibility of this job even arising was slim - due to the very focused nature of my freelance work, there is only one company in the US I could work for and merge these two things.
Yesterday I had a talk with the owner of the company. He wants me to fly out to meet him next week. And to raise the bar, the firm is located in one of the few places I know that is probably urban enough for me and rural enough for my husband.
It all sounds wonderful. Except (1) we haven’t discussed salary at all, not even in a vague range and he has no idea what I currently make. And as this job isn’t posted anywhere, I can’t rely on an ad or online blurb. Honestly, that isn’t really the issue right now. If we get to the point of an offer and it’s too little, than the path is clear.
The real issue is this. My only clear chance for IVF is to stay in NYS and wait for the budget to be signed so that the IVF grant funds are released. There is little to no chance of us ever affording it any other way and as I’ll be 43 in August, it’s now or never.
It’s possible that the firm’s insurance covers infertility (and I’ve asked the one person I know there to look into it for me). But the clinics there have horrible success rates with women over 40. So my next hope would have to be that (1) they have insurance that covers IVF that (2) my current clinic accepts and that (3) they’d be understanding enough to give me the time to come back here for the cycle.
That’s a lot of ifs.
When I look back on my life, I see a number of things I’ve lost: relationships, jobs, people, apartments, etc….and more often than not, I see why not having those things made my life better in some ways. Two years ago, for instance, I lost a job that I desperately needed (and in some ways wanted) through a series of miscommunications on the part of the company’s HR department. The next month I found the job I’m currently in, which I love, which paid more and which as given me a million more perks of all kinds.
I usually believe that things work out for the best. I just don’t understand why they have to be so difficult in the meantime. I’ve had a fair amount of success with just leaping and expecting the net to appear. But this feels like too much of a choice at the moment - as if I’m being asked to select the course for the rest of my life and I’m just not ready to think that I can’t have a job that I love, somewhere that my husband and I both like, with a child. My thoughts are prayers and I wait to see if they’ll be answered.
