Cold Comfort
February 13, 2009 at 5:42 pm (Infertility, beta, beta test, infertile, pregnancy test, ttc, two week wait, tww) (beta, hpt, infertile, Infertility, pregnancy test, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait, tww)
For once the clinic followed instructions and left a message. I had my phone on silent but as it sat on my desk, I saw it light up. Light. Dark. Light. Dark. I didn’t even have to look to know it was the clinic.
Thankfully or not, I’ve had an insanely crazy day at work. Which mirrors what the next month is going to be like for me. I promised myself I wouldn’t check the message until I’d finished editing a catalog I just found out today that I needed to write text for and that needs to go out today.
I had my headphones on to drown out the chatter of one of the very pregnant nannies that frequents our office to watch the boss’s kids. She was talking about how she could feel her baby kicking. One of my young but baby-obsessed co-workers was asking if she could put her hand out and feel it. Goth played loudly drowns out a lot. The same music I listened to after 9/11 actually. The only band I could stand to listen to at the time.
I was suprised at the lump in my stomach. The type of lump that is caused by getting ones hopes up. I don’t know why it was there. I had no doubt about the result of this, our last cycle.
I finished my writing. Emailed it off. Went into the bathroom and turned on the fan – this is what masquerades as privacy here.
The message was from my favorite nurse. She was sorry, blah, blah, blah…..she listed the meds that they wanted me to stop taking: progesterone, heparin, prednisone, delestogen, prometrium. She said to continue the asperin/folic/pre-natals and come in with hubby to meet with the doctor.
For some reason, they seem in denial about us being at the end of this road.
I came back to my desk. Emailed hubby. Emailed the doctor.
And found out that all the writing I’d done was for an old version of the catalog. I’d been sent the wrong piece and the materials had changed. Yeah, pretty much figures.
I have a bottle of over-priced wine waiting for me at home. It really isn’t a fair trade for the hopes of having a biological child.
Tying Up Loose Ends
February 13, 2009 at 9:54 am (Infertility, adoption, beta, beta test, infertile, iui, ttc, two week wait, tww) (adoption, beta, infertile, Infertility, iui, pregnancy test, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait, tww)
14/15 dpiui
As I gathered up my filled sharps containers this morning and prepared to leave for this rather pointless beta, I recognized what I was feeling. It was the same way that I felt the morning of my grandmother’s funeral. My grandmother was 95. I knew that she was going. I had a lot of time to prepare. But that didn’t make her passing any less sad. I think about her every day and miss her in my life.
Likewise, I knew that this day would come. Knew there would be a time when we would get off the infertility merry-go-round either because we were fortunate enough to get pregnant or because it just didn’t work. But that doesn’t make it any less sad.
I turned in my sharps containers, paid up my balance from all of the co-pays they somehow decided not to charge me when I was there. Yesterday, I fielded a call from my insurance company wanting to know if I needed refills on my meds; hopefully they won’t call back. I told the lab person that I was going to be in meetings all day; that I know that this beta will be negative and that the nurse should leave a mesage. That I didn’t want to have to call back and deal with a live person. She dutifully wrote the note down. Hopefully they’ll follow those instructions.
I’d hoped to see my favorite nurse there and the office manager who has been so helpful (even before I moved) but as I was in so early, neither of them were there. I need to write a note to Dr. Ambitious thanking him for going out on a limb for me. It’s been a crazy ride with this clinic but I can’t say that he didn’t try or didn’t listen to my wishes or concerns.
I’m grateful that this is a long weekend and although I will allow myself to mourn tonight, I’m going to do my best to focus on tomorrow being Valentine’s Day. I owe hubby a lot of attention after being so distracted for the past year in particular. I have Monday off and to myself so I’m going to indulge myself by getting my eyebrows waxed (harder to find and more expensive than it was in NYC), coloring my hair, making an indulgent dinner and catching up on some DVDs.
I’ll also sort through my remaining meds and see what is still in date and what I can give to someone who doesn’t have insurance. Watch this space if you use/need Repronex or know someone who does. I may have other meds but I’m not really sure at the moment. I’ll also look into my Follistim to see if I have enough for one random unmonitored cycle to take place at some point in the future.
Before I left this morning I moved two books about international adoption into my Ama.zon shopping cart and ordered them. I’m part of their “Prime” club so I get my shipments in 2 business days. While I was first disappointed to see that I wouldn’t get the books until Tuesday, I think that’s okay. We aren’t going to start any process immediately. And there are things we need to discuss. It won’t matter that my next cycle is beginning next week. I don’t need to know what day I’m on at all times. That, on it’s own, is going to be a hard adjustment.
I WILL post the results of my beta after the call because I know that some of you wonderful friends and co-bloggers are crazy enough to be holding out hope for me. And I thank you for that. As hubby said this morning, either way, I know that we gave it our all. And at the end of the day, that will have to be enough.
Of Kids and Their Kids
February 12, 2009 at 1:14 pm (Infertility, POAS, beta, beta test, infertile, iui, pregnancy, pregnancy test, ttc, two week wait, tww) (beta, infertile, Infertility, iui, shots, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait, tww)
CD 13/14
I had a dream a few weeks ago about some kids I used to babysit for. They lived next door when I was in high school and they were wonderful (at about 7 and 3 or thereabouts) . Their parents actually weren’t a heck of a lot older than I was (about 10 years old than I was and about 10+ years younger than my parents) and were definitely on the liberal side of things. With the exception of one New Year’s Eve that made me promise to myself that I’d never spend the holiday alone watching the ball drop on TV again (the kids of course were asleep), I loved sitting for them and the always told me that I was their favorite.
I was heartbroken when they moved out of state. I visited them once after college as I was moving to that state too but then never saw them again. After my dream, I started looking for them. I learned some very interesting things about the paths that the parents lives took and learned that the mother had sadly died last year. In her obituary I found her daughter’s married names and have just become friends with the older on on Face.book. Both she and her sister have children – her sister’s daughter looking EXACTLY the way I remember the sister looking as a toddler. Creepy.
I’m not sure if I should be more creaped out than I am. After all, everyone has kids now. Even people I think of as being 7 years old.
For myself, I’m very mindful of the lasts I’m dealing with: The last shots being given tonight, the last beta tomorrow. Yes, there is of course always the chance of something randomly happening naturally (I’ve heard that people DO have babies without doctor’s being involved!), and there is still the chance of a cycle using up my follistim and gaining some more room in the fridge. But cycling will no longer be the focus of so much of my thinking.
Although I thought I’d want to take some time off to mourn this cycle (and all the ones before it) – and I will be picking up a large bottle of wine today so that I’m prepared for tomorrow night – I’m finding that I don’t. The mourning will happen in it’s own time. I’ve actually tripped across what I think our next step is. I haven’t had a chance to discuss it with hubby yet, so I’m not going to go into it here. But it feels right. To me at least. We will get our finances sorted out and redefine the way we spend our time without runs to a clinic and shots to be given and things that must be done and can’t be done and then, hopefully we’ll forge ahead.
Which brings me to one more thing. I’m never really sure who reads this blog. I know a few real life friends and relatives who do. And there are blog friends like Pam and Oro and Calliope and Becky and Angela (among others) who have somehow managed to stick by me in all of this and keep reading even as they’ve traveled – and continue to travel – their own journies. And there is PeeSticksandStones who has crossed from the bounds of my computer into my real life and has become one of my biggest support systems. And to all of you, I want to say a huge and heartfelt “thanks”. Your comments and support have helped more than you can imagine.
I’m hoping that you all stick around and bring your friends. Our journey may take a different path than many of you have been fortunate to take. But it is by no means over. The dream continues.
Inexplicable Good Mood
February 9, 2009 at 4:39 pm (Infertility, POAS, beta, beta test, infertile, ttc, two week wait, tww) (beta, infertile, Infertility, iui, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait, tww)
CD 10/11
It is 72 degrees out as I write this. In February. Anyhow, I’m blaming the temperature, the fact that we bought a Jeep (which is much easier to drive than I was expecting) this weekend, that hubby went to his new job orientation this morning, and that I finally don’t feel like I’m on death’s door from this killer cold for this completely unexplainable good mood I’m in.
Okay, I mean I’m not flying off the rafters and leaping in joy but…..I’m not currently as depressed as I think I should be given the futility of this cycle (not to mention the length that it takes to get a shot of 2.5ML of progesterone mixed with .5 of delestrogen – really, I mean I could read a chapter of an average book while waiting for hubby to finish the shot).
And I’m sure that this will all come crashing down following the beta on Friday.
But while we were walking around on Saturday, I had a very clear moment of peace. I don’t think I can give up the dream of a biological child. I mean, I just don’t know how to do that. But at the same time, I’m so physcially tired from these over-medicated cycles that I’m just relieved to think of them ended. Of reclaiming my body and getting back in shape and getting a little breathing room from all of this. I want to have my period sneak up on me without my counting the days (will I ever really go back to that blissful ignorance?); I want to share a bottle of wine with hubby or sit in a hot tub or not worry that I’ll be out of town on a day that I need to be here to get to the clinic. I want to get our bills paid off and stop spending large amounts of money on insurance that I can’t use because the one lab girl is out of town.
I know that we’re about to venture into another type of world that comes with its own obstacles. I know little about the process of adoption although I’m very close to a surprisingly large number of adoptees and I hope that I can learn from their experiences. I know that Friday is going to be hard. And I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t have hope in my heart of this cycle – or any natural cycle in the future – working. I’m a crazy kind of optimist by nature. In my mind I still see the picture of a little girl who looks like hubby (well, at least like his nieces!) and I. And I don’t think I’ll be able to let that go until I’m well past menopause. But I think I’m ready to admit that we’ve tried. And to make my peace with that as much as can be done.
In the meantime, I’m POAS daily. But we’ve also made Valentine’s Day plans that I’m looking forward to. I’ll need to mourn. But then I’ll need to move on. And get excited again.
A Dud
February 6, 2009 at 6:11 pm (Infertility, beta, beta test, infertile, iui, ttc, two week wait, tww) (beta, hcg, infertile, Infertility, iui, progesterone, trying to conceive, ttc, two week wait, tww)
7/8 dpiui
I think this cycle is a dud. The clinic just called.
Estrogen: 882
Progesterone: 58
HCG: 3 (9 days after trigger)
They’re doubling (and in some case tripling my progesterone/delestrogen/prometrium. Honestly, there is a part of me that says “why bother?” but I don’t want to ever be in a position to doubt myself and so I’ll do what they tell me. And because you really do never know.
Guess that’s why I’ve been feeling….nothing. Except for sick.
Guess I’ll probaby be buying that “Adoption for Dummies” book after all.
Edit: An edit to this post because I know that there are others there who research online and look to other blogs to self-diagnose. A progesterone level on day 7 of 58 is NOT, in itself horrible (it would be great, in fact, if I wasnt’ taking meds). In fact, here is the low-down on this.
There is no progesterone level that indicates pregnancy, only an hCG level over 5 determines that. It is also worth nothing that progesterone pulses, so the level varies throughout the day. A high progesterone level gives more information than a low reading in that a “good” level indicates sufficient progesterone to carry a pregnancy; a lower level (in the 5-15 range) does not spell doom.
