Sorry….probably a downer of a post ahead.

The good stuff first:

• We made it safely to Nashville
• The animals made it safely to Nashville
• So far all of our stuff made it safely to Nashillve (except for 3 broken glasses).  There are some boxes left to unpack but so far this is good and the electronics made it in one piece which is always a plus!
• The movers stuck to budget which shocks me more than anything!
• Our back deck is gorgeous and as we unpack I’m feeling very adult for some reason (not a bad thing to feel at 42 but still its nice to live someplace with central air/heat, no roaches, REAL grocery stores, etc…)
• We’ve met 2 neighbors so far.  The early 30’s guy next door and the older woman down the block who is a total trip.  You know, the woman in the area who knows what EVERYONE is doing.  That’s her.
• The animals are mostly settling in. The cat i choosing to use our tub instead of the litter box but we’ll get her sorted out.
• The firepit and BBQ work!
• We’ve started the car search (check back to see if this falls in the “good” column or the “bad” column

On the flip side…………I’m depressed to the point that I can only attribute it to a hormonal crash. The AF/early miscarriage/oozing has been going on for 3 days now and I can’t help but realize that our much-loved embryos are floating away in it all.

None of the IUIs affected me this way - I guess I just had really high hopes for this first (last?) IVF.

Most frustratingly, there has been no reply from either the billing department of my clinic or Dr. Celebrity. Billing has to let me know if I can use the other half of my grant now that I’m technically not living there. Dr. Celebrity needs to answer my e-mail about unmonitored clomid cycles and/or more IUIs.

The lack of direction is making me insane. I need to know our next steps. Do I research adoption?  Get on the schedule for another IVF? Research clinics here? I don’t do well in limbo and with my 43rd birthday looming next month, I deel the passage of every moment.

I know that hubby is disappointed at my less-than-gleeful demeanor of late.  I wish that I felt differently too. There are just too many unanswered questions for me right now.

And one thing I’ve been trying hard not to acknowledge is that next week would have been our due-date from the pregnancy in October.  We were never given a firm date but that’s what the calculators said.  I promised myself that I wouldn’t let myself get attached to this - there were chromosomal issues so there was really no other way for things to end.  But it really is hard to walk past the kids section of stored knowing that we’d be buying last minute things, setting up a nursery.

Monday I need to face my new bosses and their questions about whether this worked and, harder, their children in the office.  I don’t know how to prepare myself for it. But I have to find a way. For now I have 2 more days of boxes and fireflies and wine to take my mind off it all.

We move today. It doesn’t feel bad, just surreal - like we’re going on a short vacation and will be home soon.

In truth, I begin my new job on Monday. We’ll spend the weekend unpacking and then I’ll head off to my still untitled (as far as I know) new position.

If I’m lucky I’ll have a few hours to sit on the deck and cry and try to deal with all of the emotions that keep threatening to overwhelm me but which I’ve been trying to keep at bay so that I can, at least somewhat, enjoy my last few days here.

I’ve mentioned before that my new office has a playroom for the owners’ 2 kids.  I’ve been really bracing myself for this.  It isn’t the kids faults (nor the owners) that I can’t seem to carry a pregnancy.  Doesn’t make it easy though. And today I receive an e-mail from my new company inviting me (and everyone else on their mailing list) to a performance by Mrs. Company Owner.  Oh…and their six year-old.

I must be out of my mind for putting myself through this.

I did get to speak to Dr. Celebrity yesterday.  Getting him on the phone is difficult but once he’s there I have to say that he is attentive and answers all the questions you can throw at him.

My main question: At almost 43 it is really worth trying to do another IVF? We went through my reaction to the meds (good), the number of eggs (good), the number going to blast (better than average for my age) and the quality of said blasts (again, better than most in my age group).

He said to go for it.

The caveat is that we can really only do this through the grant.  And the administrators of the grant know that we’re moving.  And we have to be resident here.  That’s the one bit that the doc couldn’t help with.  I’ve written a plea to the billing people and am now waiting.  If they say we can do it, I think we will sometime after hubby finds a job.

If they say no……I’ve no idea.

My new insurance covers nothing in terms of infertility.  Hubby’s probably won’t either but I’m praying I’m wrong. To pay $9K out of pocket for an IVF at a clinic with less success rates (although not horribly less) that my current clinic seems risky.

I’ve just written Dr. Celebrity to ask if he’d suggest or condone either: (1) unmonitored clomid cycles and/or (2) a couple more IUIs.  Even paying for them we could do a bunch before they’d equal one IVF and we’ve pretty much had the same success with both procedures.

If those aren’t an option, I guess I start researching the ins and outs of adoption to see if it might work for us.  Hubby is from the UK so maybe we can adopt from there?

The other…risky…probably stupid idea…..is to use my stash of follistim in an unmonitored cycle.  Anyone tried that?

Beta = 5 so we’re out for this round.

Doctor hasn’t called me back yet so I have no ideas about the next step.

My coworkers just threw me a nice lunch which included an ice cream cake.

But it really isn’t the same.

11dp5dt

Today is beta #2. But in all honesty, starting with a beta of 15 doesn’t give me hope for anything.  Yes, I’ve read the 6 or 7 posts of people who HAVE had similar first betas and have gone on to have actual children. But that’s 6 or 7 out of the whole internet which is a low enough percent for me not to expect anything other than a chemical from this.

Which doesn’t really explain why I bought 2 FRERs yesterday and used one to get a light (not faint line).  FRERs are evil and way too sensitive. They just feed into my self-destructive behavior….

I DO thank all of you for your kind and supportive comments. It’s very nice to know that people I’ve never even met are pulling for us and it makes this all a little less lonely.

So I’m waiting for the nurses’ call which I’ll probably let go to voicemail because I really just don’t want to have the conversation.

Yesterday the movers came and cleared out out apartment.  They were there for 5.5 hours.  We are left with the few things we’re taking with us, an aerobed and a very confused dog and cat.

It is hard not to equate the empty apartment with my empty(ing) uterus. Everything just feels vacant.

I’m trying hard to figure out why everything feels like an ending instead of a new beginning.  I’ve moved states (and countries) before so it isn’t like this is new to me.  I think the specter of this failed IVF, my fear that we won’t have a chance for another round, my husband’s reluctance to move into adoption (he’s willing to do so for me but not interested in it otherwise), and the general stress of moving from someplace I’m otherwise happy in are just getting intertwined.  I DO know intellectually that there will be great aspects to this move.  I just can’t emotionally connect to them.

My co-workers will be saying goodbye to me today complete with an ice-cream cake and hubby and I will go to one or two of our favorite places tonight where I will either be indulging in some evil combination of sangria and sake or confusedly abstaining. The one thing keeping me together is that I know that one way or another I’ll come back to NYC, even if it isn’t to live. (If we do another IVF, it will be here and I’ll probably have a conference or two to attend for work).

If any of you co-bloggers live in Nashville, I’d love to hear from you once this all sinks in and I actually accept that we’re moving tomorrow

The thing I wanted least has happened.  I went for my beta this morning and it was……….a whopping 15.

Neither positive nor negative but in the back of my mind I had some feeling that the dark-light-dark HPTs and the on-off symptoms might mean a chemical.

Back to the doctor’s on Monday but crying today….

8dp5dt

At least mine is.

My beta is tomorrow.  My last day of work is Tuesday and we leave town right after.

I’m uneasy and unsettled.  I feel like I’m in the midst of a swirling cloud of questions:

Will my beta be positive? If so will it be a viable pregnancy? If so will I be a good mother (you know, the kind that all the other kids’ friends like….I was fortunate that my dad was like that and I hope that I would be as good).

Will this new job work out or will I kill my new boss in the first week (a distinct possibility as his lack of planning and organization is already making me insane)? Will I be able to pay off my debt on this salary? Will hubby find a good job. If we have a child will he realize that part-time childcare isn’t a horrible thing if it means he can work and keeps us from declaring bankruptcy?

Will I grow to like Nashville? Will our marriage thrive or flounder there? We seem to do best in places where I’ve got a firm base of operations (job, friends, life in general).

I had a few hours to myself last night and decided to get a hair cut and walk around a bit. I did wander but not enough to properly say goodbye to New York. This city has been able to get me through a lot of hard times; I am different here than I am anywhere else.  In a good way. I’ve been ticking things off my “places we have to go to again before we leave”.  Some of them we’ve skipped because sitting in a dark bar just isn’t so much fun if you can’t drink (why am I always in the midst of a cycle when I most want to be able to go out?). But it’s hard to capture a city in isolated places.

The last time I left New York, to move to England and marry hubby, I didn’t know if I’d be back. Having had the chance to live here for a few more years has made leaving all the harder.  I know that there are things to look forward to (with luck, there will be pregnancy to look forward to which should do a nice job of distracting me!). But for now I’m trying to find a way to walk away from here without it hurting so much and I’m failing.

My next post is going to be password protected. Basically I need to rant without having to then deal with the reactions from concerned real-life friends and family (mostly my dad whom I love dearly but who already thinks I’m stressed out enough!).

I’m fine.  All is well.  I just need a venting session.

Any interested parties can e-mail me at perchancetodream2 at gmail dot com for the password.

4dp5dt

…not a heck of a lot.

Yeah, I’ve got that kinda full abdominal feeling. And yeah, my stomach is a little….odd…but, none of my usual HCG symptoms are present (typically the tingly chest thing is the give-away and I just have the mild progesterone soreness).

I’m preparing for the bad news on Saturday that this will be a failed IVF. Which doesn’t mean that I’ve given up hope because that’s a huge character flaw with me - I always have a secret hope that things will work out in the end. Which means that I’m often disappointed.

I’ve had to write Dr. Celebrity to request an end of the week phone call to discuss either (a) who to arrange my 3rd beta with in Nashville and how to proceed or (b) whether using the 2nd IVF on the grant is worth it now that we’ve had a look at my highly average eggs.

In most ways, I’m very glad that it is still Monday. This weekend will be the beta and perhaps the end of this part of my dream for a child. It will also be our last weekend in New York which a friend aptly referred to as “a type of death”.

People keep asking me if I’m excited about the move and that’s such a complicated question.  I can picture hubby and me sitting, surrounded by candles and a firepit, on the deck of our rented townhouse, enjoying the quiet of a summer night.  Something we certainly can’t do in NYC. I see us cuddling on the couch in front of our roaring fireplace in the winter (or what passes for winter in Nashville).  I picture watching the dog watching squirrels and running through the backyard and the cat sitting, looking longingly out the screen door.

I look forward to all of that.  I look forward to most of the challenges that will be involved with my new job and that aren’t related to my new boss’s flakiness.

And there will come a time, when I’m happy in our new life. (I hope anyhow).

But the sadness that I’m feeling at leaving everything here is pretty much all pervasive. Everything I’m doing I’m doing for what may be the last time here and I hate that thought.  I’ve lived in many places: Michigan, Chicago, Washington DC, England, New Jersey and New York. And for all the things I hate about it, New York and I are linked in a similar way to that of me and Michigan (where I was born and lived through college). Its just a part of me and I of it.

I know that there is some sort of literary parallel here.  These two issues coming to a head at the same time are doing so for a reason and I’m sure that there is a subtext that I could learn something from if I could quiet my brain enough to sort through it.

But I’m currently (a) plowing through packing and the multitude of loose ends that need to be sorted before next week and (b) trying to monitor symptoms and prepare myself for whatever comes from my beta on Saturday because I’m going to have to pull myself together to deal with our going-away get together Saturday night and the movers on Sunday (not to mention work and a cross-country trek).

I think I’ll put aside a weekend in August to sit on our new deck and sort all of this out. I can’t imagine having the time before then.

2dp5dt

And now the obsessing starts.

No, not about insurance.  I’ve already contacted the major companies who laughed and told me that no one offers any sort of pre-natal coverage for temporary insurance.  Gotcha.  So either I’m not pregnant and I’ll go the cheap route or I am and COBRA it is.

No, now I’m obsessing about symptoms/lack of.

Yesterday I felt delightfully crampy, burpy, etc.  We went to our last Broadway show while we’re living here and hubby got a beer, the smell of which made me queesy.

Then we walked and walked and walked.  That wasn’t the plan but even 14 years of living in New York doesn’t mean that you remember where all subway stops are, particularly on lines you never usually take.

Today I had to get up to go to the clinic for my progesterone check (I guess it was okay because they didn’t call me), then to acupuncture and then home. And….the cramps are gone. Still a little burpy, have some cm, and TIRED (but then I was up late last night, up early this morning and hey, we’re still packing!).

I know that implantation is meant to take place today or tomorrow. And I know all the stories about people who have no symptoms. But I don’t ever believe that I’ll be one of them.

For now, we wait. Seven days to beta. Nine days to move.

We have a tentative going away meet up planned at a favorite pub for next Saturday, the day of beta. I’m either going to be not drinking and on cloud nine or sobbing into my beer. Feel free to tell me that I’m out of my mind for doing all of this at the same time.

A big thank you to all of you who have posted your good wishes, particularly Infertility Bites who reminded me that somehow the logistics/finances always work out somehow.  I’m going to try not to focus on them for the remainder of this week…..

1dp5dt

As is common for those of us with multiple failed cycles, I try not to tempt fate. I don’t assume that I’m going to get pregnant, I make contingency plans, I’ve never bought an item of baby stuff.

But I’m at a strange place.  Because we’re moving on July 1, some things are screaming for me to deal with them.

1. My beta is June 28th.  IF that one is miraculously positive, my 2nd beta is June 30th.  But I won’t be here for the 3rd.  So I’ve written the 2 clinics in my new city (I think there are only 2 IVF clinics there) asking if I could pop in for the beta and if they would monitor me until I was released to an OB.

The clinic that seems to get the most accolades wrote me back and said “just go to an OB”.  Um…what?  I’m going to write back and reiterate that I’m 42 and had 4 embryos transferred….seems like an RE would be a better bet!

The other clinic has been immensely helpful so I might end up with them anyhow but yeeeshhhh….

What do you think?

2. The BIGGER issue is one that I’ve been trying (without success) to be in denial about. Any attempt to stay relaxed is completely thrown overboard when I start thinking about this one.  Money.  Most specifically health insurance.

If I’m not pregnant, the way is clear.  Hubby and I will get short-term insurance for the 2 months before my new insurance kicks in and he (hopefully) gets a job and his own insurance. TOTAL: somewhere about $150 a month for both of us.

If I AM pregnant, my plan was to do COBRA and keep my very good current insurance at a HUGE cost (almost $700 just for me) and get hubby temporary insurance.  Total: $800 a month.

As this is really only for 2 months, I hadn’t really questioned that plan.  Until this weekend.

Looking at my color-coded Excel-spreadsheet that is my budget, I can see that my vast pay-cut will put a slight dent in our eating out, and force us to pay off debt a bit slower etc….but we’ll be fine so long as hubby finds a job within 3-4 months.

Unless I’m pregnant.

Pregnant means a huge loss to COBRA and that hubby will be quiting his job to stay home with our much-desired child. So therefore pregnant means that debt will be managed but not really paid off; token amounts will go into savings but not enough to really add up to much. Pregnant means that we’ll have to move someplace cheaper than the lovely townhouse we’ve rented, once the lease is up. Pregnant might even mean that I have to leave the dream job we’re moving so that I can take unless they cough up a huge amount of money/commission or Mr. and Mrs. Company Owner offer to share their on-site Au Pair allowing hubby to continue working.

We all know that a million things can happen between then and now.  I might not get pregnant. We might not end up with a live baby at the end of it. We might pursue adoption which while expensive, will allow us to forge ahead paying off current debt and trying to save.  We might one more last ditch IVF next year before my grant runs out that will allow us to delay those costs for many more months.

But I want to be pregnant. I want to have a baby.  I want one of these little blasts (not forgetting the morula) to want to call my uterus home for a while.

I just don’t want to deal with all this other pressure.

If anyone knows of temporary insurance that covers prenatal though, please let me know at perchancetodream2 at gmail dot com.

In other, happier news, after feeling nothing last night and this morning, I’m feeling some delightful tightness and mild crampiness in my abdomen today.  I’m slightly burpy (which I never am except in the midst of a cycle). I’m hopeful. I’m relishing every twinge and ache. (Crazy what assisted reproduction does to you!).

Now I just need to win the lottery……

Just a quick post-transfer note.

First off, 2 courses of acupuncture and a dose of valium really work for me.  This whole process would be much easier if I was doing this daily!

All seemed to go swimmingly.  And because we got Dr. Information, we learned some stuff too.

Apparently out of the 11 eggs we retrieved, all but one were mature.  10 fertilized. 4 of those fertilized with 2 sperm though. Apparently this isn’t the sperm’s fault.  The egg is meant to only let one in and 2 sperm + 1 egg end up creating abnormal embryos.

That left the 6 we had on Tuesday when they called to move us to a 5-day transfer.

As of this morning, 1 of them had fragmented.  3 were blasts and 2 were morulas.  (a little info here.) Because of my age (42) and the realistic chance that this is our only chance at IVF, we’d already accepted the doctor’s suggestion to transfer 4.  So the blasts and the best of the 2 morulas were transferred.

Now I need to eat, walk the dog and FINALLY go and stay horizontal for a while!

In the meantime, say hello to Pooh, Piglet, Tigger, and Rabbit. (If any of these implant, I promise we’ll be more creative with names!)

I was born on a Thursday.

I met my Husband on a Thursday.

We got married on a Thursday.

Our first medicated IUI resulting in our first and only pregnancy to date (which unfortunately ended in miscarriage) was on a Thursday.

For the most part, Thursdays have been good to us.

I just got the call from my doctor that my transfer has been moved to day 5, Thursday.  Our 6 embryos have stuck around and “look good”.  He expects to have 3-4 to transfer on THURSDAY.

Two more sleepless nights but worth it!

Transfer Day

I started this blog for purely selfish reasons.  I needed the outlet and writing has always given me that. In addition to the outlet though, I’ve found an amazing, supportive community.  Some of you I’ve gotten to know either in person or through e-mail.  Some just through your blogs.  But each of your comments has helped me through this confusing and emotionally draining process.  So thanks!!!!!

One other side effect of blogging: It’s allowed me to use the refrain “read the blog” to the select real-life friends and family who know of it.

This practice has worked and not worked.  It’s definitely given me the space to NOT have to tell five different people about the day’s failings; about why my body can’t seem to do what it was designed to do and procreate. Oh, I don’t mind the 5-minute update as part of a conversation but to have to rehash the whole thing to anyone who calls/e-mails/asks is more emotionally draining than the actual procedures.

Some of my friends/family get this. And although my time has been sucked into the IVF/MOVING/CHANGING JOBS vortex, leaving me little time for communications of any sort, it makes things easier for me when we do speak/write and they’re at least up to date on the details.

In some cases though, I think that people have taken my “read the blog” refrain to mean that I don’t want to otherwise hear from them which couldn’t be farther from the truth.  I want to hear about your jobs, your marriages, your dates, even your kids (in small doses).

I love this crazy online community filled with witty women (and men) who so deserve to see their dreams realized.But I also love my real life friends who have been part of my landscape for so long.  So to all of you who get the “read the blog” message….know that I’m still here, thinking about you, still here for you, still needing your unique brands of craziness in my life.

Now back to the originally-scheduled IVF blog….

It is transfer day.  And I watch the phone not ringing with a mix of feelings.  No call means that we have embryos to transfer today (YAY!!!).  But no call also means that they aren’t moving me to a 5dt. I know that success rates aren’t drastically different between 3d and 5d but I was hoping for lots of wonderfully developed eggs that would be sure to make it in their current petri-dish homes.

That being said, I’ll take what I can get!

Life in progesterone-shot land also continues.  Hubby has continued to do a stellar job with them and I’ve barely felt anything although the welts are starting to form so I sense this might get more difficult.  Also, I’m having rather serious side effects such as intense cramps and frequent bouts of night-time peeing, which I never get.  Hmmm…….

Anyhow, back with you later with hopefully some good news!

Yesterday’s retrieval went well.  The thing I was struck with was how very different (in a good way) my clinic’s operation room and set-up from from the horrible abortion mill I was forced to have my D&C in (because it was Christmas week and the operating rooms at both my clinic and my gyn’s office were closed).

We were escorted in.  Questions were answered.  The anesthesiologist made me laugh. A local was even given before they put the needle in my hand.  And then I drifted off to sleep and that was that.  Wasn’t too sore last night and today I feel fine although I’m a bit fuzzy still from the medication.

They retrieved 11 eggs.  On today’s call, they told me that we didn’t need ICSI (go sperm!), 5 eggs were mature and had fertilized and one looked like it might catch up.  I was hoping for more; was hoping for 4 to implant this time and 4 to freeze.  At my age, my clinic transfers an average of 3.2 and as this might be my only shot, I’m hoping they’re go for the higher amount. But, of course I’m glad that we DO have the 5/6 at this point.  Now I have to pray that they stick around.

I’m booked in for a day 3 transfer (Tuesday) with the head honcho doctor at the clinic (the one doctor there I haven’t met yet).  If my embryos and I make it to day 5 (Thursday) I’ll end up with a doctor I really like.  I’m sad that my own doctor won’t be doing this but I know that he has to sign off on my records and is watching the progress so that’s okay.

I’m planning on doing acupuncture before and after my transfer even though it means hauling down to chinatown.  I’m not sure how that really plays in the idea of bedrest.  Is it worth it?  I don’t want to leave any stones unturned so I’ll probably do it.

Tonight begins the scary progesterone shots. I had the nurse in the operating theater draw x’s on me for them but they’re so much lower that we were told to do that I think we’re going to aim for the same spot of the HCG shot and hope for the best.  Tomorrow I’ll head to the clinic to have proper circles drawn on.

I’m not sure how people manage to schedule these shots anyhow.  There are nights when hubby will be away and my friend peesticksandstones is generously loaning me her husband; there are nights we’ll be going out and I think I’m going to ask a co-worker to do them or hubby will need to come to my office and we’ll sequester ourselves in the handicapped bathroom.  What’s making this harder is that there are a number of places we want to go for the “last” time as we’re leaving the big city on July 1 (beta will be June 28).  And there is NOOOOO way I’m letting hubby near me with a needle after he’s had a drink.  So that bit is all going to be interesting.

And the packing continues.  And the arguing with the moving company (who is charging us $500 extra so that we don’t have to wait an undetermined 5-14 days to get our stuff yet keeps moving their estimated timing farther and farther apart). And trying to finish up at work even though my lovely boss (she really is!) keep throwing new projects at me because she’s terrified she won’t find anyone to replace me who can handle them.  I HAVE however finished up my lingering freelance assignments and hopefully no more will come on offer because I can’t turn down the chance to (1) make money and (2) write something for hire.

But in the meantime, really, these are just all diversions.  My mind is with our little embryos floating around in the petri dishes of our clinic.

So far the phone has not rung.  And that’s a good thing.  The clinic will only call if my body isn’t absorbing the HCG that my husband so dutifully (and expertly, I might add!) injected me with last night (bribing him with gummy bears didn’t hurt either).

And so for once, no news is good news and if the call never comes we’ll trek off to the clinic tomorrow for a 10.30am retrieval.

I’m home today, trying to do a weekend’s worth of packing, finally sign the contract with our moving company, and generally otherwise be productive and make up for the fact that I’m going to be laying on the couch for the next 2 days.

This is our first IVF.  It might be our only one and we talked last night about how at least closure would be better than this ever-present unfulfilled hope that drains us emotionally, physically, and financially.

My feelings are balled up and complex.  I want this to work - however frightened I am about finances and my new job, I want this to work. I want a baby that is part me and part my husband.  I want to give him that gift. I want to give it to myself.

There have been times in the process of trying to sort out this job/move fiasco that I’ve really though about not going through with this and charging headlong into adoption. Moving, letting my husband find a job, sorting out our finances while filling in paperwork and choosing agencies. But I know that I’d regret not taking this chance now that it has been offered.  And I don’t want adoption to be an “easy out” because I know that it would be neither easy, nor an “out” and it shouldn’t be.  It should be something we desire in and of itself.

I think about what will happen if the call on Sunday is bad - that none of the eggs fertilize.  That they don’t grow.  That they are a chromosomal mess ( a distinct possibility). I try to figure out how I’ll get through that. At the same time, I try to figure out how I’ll deal with good eggs that produce no baby.  Or that I miscarry again.

Thinking about actually having a successful pregnancy is harder.  Not at all unpleasant but rather like imagining wandering through the woods and meeting a unicorn. Lovely but the stuff of dreams. But I’ve used my acupuncture appointments this cycle to try to envision it nonetheless (the baby, not the unicorn).

My biggest fear is summed up in this beautiful post by Sharah. I don’t even know if I should have read it today, the day before this first (possibly only) retrieval. At the same time, I know that I need to face that fear.

I would like to go to sleep and wake up in 3 weeks to find out how this all plays out.  I would like time to stop so that I could sort it all out in my head before getting swept up in these waters.  I can have neither.  But I have today.

Okay, yes I am….

Just got the call from the clinic and HCG shot is to be given by my brave hubby at 12.30am tomorrow morning with the retrieval planned for Saturday.

The timing, as usual, sucks.  I needed the weekend to pack.  We had our going away get together planned for Saturday night and we’re now going to have to delay that until after the beta….

AND out of five doctors at the clinic, I’m getting the one that I like the least.  I’m sure she’s competent, she just has NO bedside manner.  That also means that I have no chance of getting “my” doctor for the transfer although I could possibly get peesticksandstones’ doctor, which would make her very jealous.

We still don’t have anything locked in with our movers.  A realtor is coming tonight to show our apartment. We’re having boxes delivered and now I have 2 days to basically pack my life up.

NOW I’m feeling over-whelmed.  Please send a deep breath my way….

CD 7

So I got the Fellow from hell this morning at my ultrasound. Ugh!

Anyhow….she measured away but I didn’t catch the number of follicles.  I did see her measuring one large one which is probably why they started the Antagon.  For those who haven’t been through this, basically, I’ve been taking the Follistim shots to grow more follicles. The Antagon stops my body from ovulating them while the others are catching up.

So tonight I continue on Follistim.  Tomorrow morning I continue giving myself Antagon shots.

I held my breath and asked if she had the vaguest idea of when the retrieval might be and she said that we’d know more but it was looking like Sunday or Monday.  GULP!

In the meantime, we’re STILL trying to find a moving company and my current boss is starting to panic about not having anyone hired for my position and is on overdrive having me start all sorts of projects for her that I won’t be here to finish…….

CD 6

Lots of Follistim + near 100 degree temperatures + sorting out the move = a most unhappy perchancetodream.

No, I’m not really unhappy. Just busy. And tired. And sore. I know that a lot of it is from the (hopefully) large amount of follicles I’m currently growing. And a lot has to do with the fact that I can’t say no to freelance work even in the midst of trying to finish up my real job and pack and do an IVF cycle and say goodbye (again!) to the city I love….

The follistim shots have gone fine so far although they’ve definitely made me a bit fuzzy….I just heard from the clinic that they want me in tomorrow (I wasn’t meant to go in until Wednesday) due to my estogen levels (436). I DID remind them that I respond REALLY well to Follistim but did they listen to me???

Oh and it turns out that I’m not immune to chicken pox. Really? I’ve been around it a number of times but have never had it. Assumed I had the appropriate shots as a child…hmmm….if I hadn’t started this cycle, they’d want me to take the inoculation and then wait a month before starting a cycle but given the circumstances, they say to forge ahead. And avoid kids as much as possible. Sure, except for the two who will basically be living in my new office, that should be really easy…..

Anyhow, so the schedule has been accelerated. I actually really hope that things go sooner than planned because it will make the actual move smoother. Then again, I’m in no rush for the progesterone shots so……….

This basically sums up most of the things in my life right now. I’m happy to be taking on this new job but sad to be leaving everything here. I really, really, really want this IVF cycle to work and yet I’m terrified about the finances involved with having a child (or rather I’m terrified about the finances involved with my husband not working and us having a child as he’s insistent that one of us would stay home full-time.)

I’m trying very hard to Cherish the Day. The find joy in the moment and assume that something will work out because something always does. One way or another. But this is a rather alien thing for me.

I am a list maker. I keep calendars and spreadsheets. You wouldn’t know it from looking at my chaotic office but I’m really very organized - its just that no one would ever be able to walk in and find anything. I used to make 5 or 10 year plans. Then I learned that none of it actually worked out that way. What makes me successful at my job pretty much sucks in real life. Divorce, death, infertility, job loss, moving….none of that shows up in a spreadsheet.

I know that if I find myself pregnant from this cycle that the first thing I’ll do after shouting from the rooftops will be to visit my guilty page on my spreadsheet that holds our budget and see how the heck I’m going to make this one work. But at least I have that in the right order - I’ll do my shouting and celebrating first.

Speaking of celebrating….we spent our 6th anniversary at my favorite New York Restaurant working our way through the tasting menu, which as always was quite interesting (in a good way). As it was our Wood/Iron/Sugar anniversary, I gave my love a fire pit (hey, we’re going to have a backyard! At least for the next year), an iron fairy and a batch of his favorite Scottish sweet which actually came out right - and there is never any betting that it will. For my gift, he refused to give me anything with sugar as I still haven’t eaten my easter bunny (who had an even harder time with the 100 degree weather we’ve had than I have!) and went straight for iron in the form of a necklace made out of a piece of meteorite. It might sound strange but it is quite beautiful and has a wonderful weight to it. He’s very good at coming up with these ideas!

Anyhow, then the next night we went to a sake bar whose name I won’t share because it’s the kind of place that thrives on being a kind of secret.

We’re having a going away get-together next Saturday but I guess I’m on the downhill side of drinking for this cycle. But right now I’m going to enjoy this feeling of having this load of follicles growing inside me and feel grateful for this chance.

Cd #2

I’d hoped to spend some time last night in a combination of meditation/prayer/visualization to clear my head and remind myself that there is no reason (we know of) why this IVF won’t work; that I CAN get pregnant; that I DESERVE this chance.

And I probably got a few minutes to do that.  But in preparation for both our anniversary tonight and the joy of a much-liked but unexpected house-guest I basically ended up “doing stuff” instead.

And this morning on the way to the clinic, when I should have been listening to the gorgeous Te Deum that was going through my head anyhow, I was too into my book (about court life in the time of Henry VIII).

And so when I had my ultrasound with my very least favorite fellow who wields the ultrasound wand like a baseball bat and with about the same amount of gentleness, I was NOT surprised to see her measuring one freaking big cyst.

I held out hope though, thanks to an early morning coffee date with my friend peesticksandstones. And then the clinic called and my numbers weren’t half bad: FSH: 7.5.  Estogen: 34.  Okay, not quite as good as last month, but at 42, I’ll take 7.5 gladly.

And so tonight I begin with my mega-shot of 450ius of Follistim and then we go off to celebrate our anniversary.

I’m determined to be happy: about having this chance; about celebrating this important day in our relationship; about the potentials for my new job and our new living situation. I’m going to try not to dwell on the huge chunk of money I just paid for the IVF; my dire fear of the progesterone shots; the complications of a cross-country move.

To my dear hubby, least you get an unrealistic view of my intentions: I’m still going to feel the pain of the shots and of the loss of the things I so love here (job, apartment, friends, city….) and I’m still terrified that this won’t work.  But I’m going to try to focus on the good as well.