Rainy Days and Mondays
It’s not raining. But it is Monday.
On the positive front:
- I have 20 days left at my current job
- The project I’ve been working on since I started here will go live on Wednesday
- The laptop (with dock) has been approved for my new/old job
- Hubby and I have booked a vacation for our anniversary in June. We’ve rented a cabin and are going to the Blue Ridge Mountain area in North Carolina. It isn’t anything grand but it should be very nice and actually not so much different from our honeymoon trip to Cornwall.
- Today is our puppy’s 5th birthday! So happy birthday Ollie! (not that he reads this blog, as far as I know, but I guess we never know what our pets are up to while we’re at work!)
- We have a date for the initial meeting with out social worker in May.
- I’ve finally made a start at trying to compile a spreadsheet detailing the various payments/timing requested by the various placement agencies we’re looking at so that I can compare apples to apples. None of the agencies really do this in the same way.
- I’ve had a reasonably south-beach-diet -esque day in my quest to lose the 20 pounds that are the legacy of our infertility treatments. I’m determined to really make a start on this and would like to see some advances by our anniversary.
On the not-so-positive:
- Our big gift to ourselves this spring/summer, now that we’re both gainfully employed is a gas grill. Unfortunately, the one we want (best brand, one of their more reasonable models) is twice what we budgeted.
- I still have 20 days in my current job.
- This is our 7th anniversary and hubby and I have been great about giving each other creative gifts based on the traditional/modern gifts for that year. The 7th anniversary is wool and copper. Great……
- Hubby and I were brought up with completely different attitudes about debt. His family had none. Mine invited it in like a long-lost cousin. I’m fine with having debt so long as I know how/when it will be paid. I usually take a long-term view of things anyhow so it rarely stresses me out. Hubby, who is more “live in the moment” is the opposite. And that aspect of adoption is freaking him out. We don’t often discuss it actually but we did this weekend. A past grant-writer, I plan to start applying for grants as soon as the home study is complete (most grants won’t allow you to apply until then). I was going to do this anyhow but I need to put his mind at rest before it ends up coloring the whole adoption process.
- As my body has realized that it no longer has to be up to the task, I’m on day 35 of this cycle. Something in the first repronex cycle really seems to have gotten my body off-kilter and I’m not sure why.
- As part of the home study process we need check-ups and medical releases. I’m not worried about it per say. Neither of us has the type of health issues they look out for. But, honestly, however reckless it is, I could do without seeing a doctor for a while. Instead, I’m going to make an appointment so that the minute my insurance kicks in I can see someone. Guess I’m going to have to ask them about all those odd thyroid tests while I’m there. Sigh…..
- It’s only Monday.
Hitting the Nail on the Head
For some reason this post was saved only as a draft, on February 27, 2009…..thought I’d post it anyhow…..
Lassie’s comment yesterday gave a voice to something that has been running in circles through my head. She wrote “I’ve always found international adoption interesting because your child is probably over there right now waiting for you. Wow.” Yes….wow…..The time-frame given for Bulgaria is somewhere around 18-36 months depending on who you talk to. That’s upon submission of your dossier which includes the home study. Which we haven’t started yet because we haven’t chosen an agency and there seems to be a huge debate between whether the home study agency needs to be Hague accredited.
But let me get to that in a minute.
When I look at the large timeline, it looks like we could get a child who was born around the time that our child would have been born had the pregnancy worked out. That ties my mind and my heart in knots. I can’t even say if it’s good or bad. It just is.
Our child could possibly be out there. And we don’t even know her. It’s a very, very strange feeling.
The process of adoption in Bulgaria is that once you get a referral of a child, both parents travel to Bulgaria and spend 5 days with the child. At the end of that time you accept (or reject) the referral. You go home. Three to Five months later you’re cleared to go back and get the child and you go through all of the Visa/Immigration issues at that point. That 3-5 month period must be excruciating. Knowing that your child is in an orphanage half-way across the world. Obviously parents get through it and probably like the pain of childbirth, the memory of it dulls over time. But at the time it must be almost unbearable.
Back to the nuts and bolts – In a nutshell, the Hague Accreditation is “an international treaty created to ensure that inter-country adoptions are in the best interests of children and to prevent abduction, exploitation, sale, or trafficking of children.” An adoption agency must be certified to work in Bulgaria. There are currently no certified agencies in out state that I really want to work with. One is prohibitively far away and the other is probably prohibitively faith-based. Most of the agencies I’ve been in contact with have relationships with various agencies here that can do home studies for them. A few though are insisting that the home study be completed by a Hague certified in-state agency (I’ve refrained from saying “If I wanted to work with another agency and they were appropriately certified, I would. I contacted your agency because I want to work with YOU!”).
So the research continues. I’m the queen of spreadsheets but even that isn’t helping me.
I did find out today that there is a chance for something potentially very good to come our way. This has nothing to do with having a child although it will affect our lifestyle and could aid in the process down the road. I don’t want to jinx it at the moment and if it comes through I’m going to really have to do some quick soul-searching to make a definitive decision although really, it’s already been made. But if you wouldn’t mind keeping your fingers crossed for us, hubby and I would greatly appreciate it.
The Plateaux Of Mirror
I’ve felt lately like someone wearing bifocals. If I look one way, I can see things up close and if I look another, I can see into the future.
The future view is the one that interests me the most. I can see this spectoral little girl, playing in the yard with hubby and our dog and laughing. She’s wearing a pink nightgown and she has long dark hair streaming down her back. I’m inside, looking out. Just watching them. Hubby catches my eye and beckons me out. I step out onto the deck and she runs to me, a bouquet of wildflowers in her hand (in this vision, I’m never quite able to see her face). Hubby comes over for a family hug as the dog tries to join in.
I’m not quite sure where we’re living in this vision. I sometimes have dreams in which we’re living in our current rental which is the least likely thing to happen. I’m not sure where or if either of us are working although our debt is paid off which (major crises aside) it will be by the time we adopt. But there is contentment and that makes me unworried about the details.
Then I look at the “close” part of the picture. I was correct that our tax person had made a mistake. He then made another one this morning but sent me a correction that basically means that, after paying him, we’ll have enough left over for dinner at our favorite local restaurant. I’m thrilled with that. At much as I’d like to be getting money back, my goal has been to break even. Dinner out will be the perk.
My excitement about having the complicated part of the home study sorted was short-lived though. Today we booked our appointment with the Social Worker. I asked if we should bring anything. She listed the usual documents. Then said something like “I need clearances from the states you’ve lived in since you each were 18 and I have the list you gave me.”
Actually, she has the list for the past 5 years. Which is what she’s asked for previously. Going back to 18 brings me up to having lived in SIX states. For hubby, this is worse as he was in the military. And we’ve no idea how to proceed there. I’ve written her and haven’t heard back. Perhaps she was busy or still hasn’t gotten up from the shock or knocked herself our by shaking her head as she wondered why she ever agreed to take us on as clients.
The long-range view looks much, much better. If I could draw, I would draw it. For now I just need close my eyes and remind myself why we’re going through all of this.
Baby Steps
I’m learning that while assisted reproduction was filled with big steps: The beginning of stims, trigger shots, retreivals, inseminations, and transfers, the path to adoption is made up of baby steps so small you aren’t even sure if you’re moving or not.
We have , by default, chosen a home study agency. In part this was by choice – there are certain extreme religious leanings here in the South that I desperately wanted to avoid for a bucket load of reasons. And so I had my sites set on one particular agency whose fees and structure were thankfully, in line with everyone else’s. The social worker I’ve been e-mailing with, (who I haven’t found a psudonym for yet) was supportive without being ridiculous (I had one SW write me about how many of her clients think that the home study will be difficult but they end up thinking that it’s “fun”. Now I KNOW people who have adopted and not one of them has used the word “fun” in connection to a home study!), and basically took charge of the most difficult (I hope!) step in our adoption journey. Without a signed contact or any money changing hands. She’s just dug in and untied the knots for us. And I’ll forever hold her in esteme for that – it truly makes me feel like we’ve made the correct choice.
The knots, by the way, are nothing drastic or highly unusual. Hubby is a UK citizen. Up until the end of summer in 2005, I lived in the UK too. Part of the requirements for adopting from Bulgaria is that we’re meant to get clearances from everyplace we’ve lived in the past 5 years, testifying to the fact that we have no history of child abuse. That’s fine except that the UK, unlike the US and many other countries, doesn’t keep a public registry of child abusers.
At first we thought that this meant that we needed to get our police records (basically saying that we lived there and hadn’t been arrested). Hubby has his from his immigration. THAT gets complicated because the UK wants you to walk into your local precinct and request the report so that they can verify your identity.
Our SW began to make inquiries. I emailed the four placement agencies we’re considering working with. We received four different answers.
I wrote the US and UK embassies in Bulgaria. I’d expected it to take ages to get answers as it had during hubby’s immigration. But I heard back from both in less than 24 hours. Neither knew the answer but the US embassy sent us a list of emails. The SW and I each took one. And she got an answer. From a real person who gave us his name and direct phone number. Who then answered additional questions. (If you’ve EVER legally immigrated you’ll realize how different this is, I’m truly amazed).
The upshot is that the UK doesn’t have such a registry. This can be stated on our home study papers. The legal requirement does not ask for police reports. Therefore we don’t need to furnish them (although we might offer them hubby’s unless SW things that this will just remind them that we don’t have one on me).
We haven’t signed anything yet or spent even one dime. But we have support and answers.
One other potential complication reared it’s head last night as well. I heard from our tax preparer and the news was NOT good. According to him the amount we spent last year for infertility wasn’t enough to outdo the standard deduction. The upshot: we owed a LOT of money. Enough to possibly delay the adoption plans.
This morning, I looked over his paperwork and found a large mistake. I’m waiting for confirmation from him that I did in fact catch something that will mean that we’re getting a small amount back.
So far, today is not a bad day! 
Sharing the Love
A real post has been meandering through my head. But in the meantime, A from Infertility Bites has touchingly sent me a “Love Ya” award. She’s one of those bloggers who always seems to know when I need a comment to remind me that I’m not alone. So THANKS A!
The idea of this is that you tag the blogs that you love the most using the following criteria: “These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award!”
Trying to choose just eight blogs is a tough thing but the following are just a sampling of the amazing women who are sharing their stories and their friendship in the web of infertility. Some have had children, some are pregnant, some are still trying, and some have chosen other paths. But all are amazing courageous, brave women.
* PeesticksandStones at PeeSticksandStones
* Pam at BloodSigns
* Calliope at Creating Motherhood
* Becky at MommaWantsVodka
* Oro at Birch and Maple
* Luna at Life From Here: Musings from the Edge
* Squarepeg at SquarePegRoundWhole
My last entry here isn’t an infertility blog but an international adoption blog that I’ve recently started reading. I don’t even know if I’ve commented on any of Spring’s posts but every day I read about her journey in awe. With good grace and humor, she is dealing with circumstances that would stop most people in their tracks. Her children and the world of blogging are very fortunate to have her.
* Spring at Forever Spring
