October 25th – Compendium

October 24, 2008 at 5:55 pm (Infertility, infertile, iui, miscarriage, ttc) (, , , , , )

I’d hoped to write a short recap of what I was doing on October 25th for the past few years but I’m currently experiencing a technical glitch.  Because my PC-only life was disrupted by my currently Mac-based job, and because my Dell PDA won’t synch to it and because google calendar keeps coming up with an error that keeps it from fully synching, I no longer have reliable documentation of my life.  And belive me, it’s making me crazy.

I  lived in Chicago for 2 years after college and years later, when I looked back, I couldn’t really remember the feel of my daily life there.  And it disturbed me.  And so I started writing things down.  For years, I had a word file that had little buzz words in it.  Memory joggers to remind me of the ins and outs of daily life.

The I started the 100words.net project and I captured everything in there while simultaneously keeping up my Outlook calendar.  Then I started this blog.  And now, I’m a bit lost.  I know that I’ll look back in a few years and be frustrated, not knowing how this time went by.

But to the point of this post.  Seven years ago tomorrow, I was in Dublin. It’s a very long story about how I came to be there, on my own, listening to music in a Temple Bar pub. And a relatively short and sweet story about how I met the cutest boy in the room – who later became my husband – when he asked if I wanted to stand in front of him to better see the musicians.

It is another story all together, and one that you can read on this blog, about how, last year on October 25th, we underwent our first medicated IUI.  The one that “succeeded” before a chromosomal abnormality caused a miscarriage.

I know that the pregnancy had to end for purely natural reasons.  And I’m at peace with that.  But, as hard as it was, it changed my view of the world for the better.  It proved to me that I could actually get pregnant.  That we could create something with a heartbeat of it’s own from the love we share. Whatever the future brings, that small victory is something that I didn’t need to write down to remember because it has changed me.  Just like walking into that Dublin pub did seven years ago.

This October 25th, I’m waiting for my next cycle to start and praying for a dear friend who is hopefully on the verge of her own wonderous journey.  Our life here is not settled and things are in limbo in many ways. But having those two October 25th’s offer me things that I never thought I’d find, gives me hope that life has more extraordinary surprises around the corner.  And that will have to be enough for this year.

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All Over the Board

October 22, 2008 at 9:32 am (Infertility, infertile, miscarriage, ttc) (, , , , , )

So….a short update and then on to other things.  We’re in that “waiting to start a cycle” phase.  Which means I’ve been leaving daily messages for the nurse at the clinic to make sure I have all my meds (which I don’t) and trying to find out why the insurance company isn’t calling me to set up delivery.

In the meantime, I decided not to take the plethora of antibiotics that Dr. Ambitious prescribed.  In part because both the pharmacist here and Dr. Celebirty, my old RE, said that it was overkill and would only make me sick.  And in part because I was falling into the 1-3% of people who react to the Floxin with sleep disturbances.  One night of waking up every 2 hours was enough to get me over taking that one.

I did the 3-day course for yeast but have decided to let the others go.  I’m not going to get into it with Dr. Ambitious but I’m going to follow Dr. Celebrity’s instruction that we’re always filled with bacteria of some sort and that it’s not healthy to try and get rid of all of it.

Even though I’ve been fairly numb and removed from the whole infertility thing for the past few months, I realized that all of those feelings are still lurking under the surface.  This article from the New York Times is one of the best I’ve read lately and I thought I’d share it.

And on to something totally fun and trivial.

Mrs. X at The Young and Infertile posted a fun music meme that I thought I’d try.

The rules:
A.) Go to musicoutfitters.com
B.) Enter the year you graduated from high school in the search function and get the list of 100 most popular songs of that year.
C.) Bold the songs you like, strike through the ones you REALLY hate.

I graduated in 1983.  By then I was heavily into alternative “new wave” so a lot of what I was listening to wasn’t a top 100 hit.  Enough said! :-)

1. Every Breath You Take, Police
2. Billie Jean, Michael Jackson
3. Flashdance… What A Feelin, Irene Cara
4. Down Under, Men At Work
5. Beat It, Michael Jackson
6. Total Eclipse Of The Heart, Bonnie Tyler
7. Maneater, Daryl Hall and John Oates
8. Baby Come To Me, Patti Austin and James Ingram
9. Maniac, Michael Sembello
10. Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This), Eurythmics
11. Do You Really Want To Hurt Me, Culture Club
12. You And I, Eddie Rabbitt and Crystal Gayle
13. Come On Eileen, Dexy’s Midnight Runners
14. Shame On The Moon, Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band
15. She Works Hard For The Money, Donna Summer
16. Never Gonna Let You Go, Sergio Mendes
17. Hungry Like The Wolf, Duran Duran
 18. Let’s Dance, David Bowie (I love Bowie – just hate this song!)
19. Twilight Zone, Golden Earring
20. I Know There’s Something Going On, Frida
21. Jeopardy, Greg Kihn Band
22. Electric Avenue, Eddy Grant
23. She Blinded Me With Science, Thomas Dolby
24. Africa, Toto
25. Little Red Corvette, Prince
26. Back On The Chain Gang, Pretenders
27. Up Where We Belong, Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes
28. Mr. Roboto, Styx
29. You Are, Lionel Richie
30. Der Kommissar, After The Fire
31. Puttin’ On The Ritz, Taco
32. Sexual Healing, Marvin Gaye
33. (Keep Feeling) Fascination, Human League
34. Time (Clock Of The Heart), Culture Club
35. The Safety Dance, Men Without Hats
36. Mickey, Toni Basil (can I cross this out multiple times?????)
37. You Can’t Hurry Love, Phil Collins
38. Separate Ways, Journey
39. One On One, Daryl Hall and John Oates
40. We’ve Got Tonight, Kenny Rogers and Sheena Easton
41. 1999, Prince
42. Stray Cat Strut, Stray Cats
43. Allentown, Billy Joel
44. Stand Back, Stevie Nicks
45. Tell Her About It, Billy Joel
46. Always Somethmg There To Remind Me, Naked Eyes
47. Truly, Lionel Richie
48. Dirty Laundry, Don Henley
49. The Girl Is Mine, Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney
50. Too Shy, Kajagoogoo
51. Goody Two Shoes, Adam Ant
52. Rock The Casbah, Clash
53. Our House, Madness
54. Overkill, Men At Work
55. Is There Something I Should Know, Duran Duran
56. Gloria, Laura Branigan
57. Affair Of The Heart, Rick Springfield
58. She’s A Beauty, Tubes
59. Solitaire, Laura Branigan
60. Don’t Let It End, Styx
61. How Am I Supposed To Live Without You, Laura Branigan
62. China Girl, David Bowie
63. Come Dancing, Kinks
64. Promises, Promises, Naked Eyes
65. The Other Guy, Little River Band
66. Making Love Out Of Nothing At All, Air Supply
67. Family Man, Daryl Hall and John Oates
68. Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’, Michael Jackson
69. I Won’t Hold You Back, Toto
70. All Right, Christopher Cross
71. Straight From The Heart, Bryan Adams
72. Heart To Heart, Kenny Loggins
73. My Love, Lionel Richie
74. I’m Still Standing, Elton John
75. Hot Girls In Love, Loverboy
76. It’s A Mistake, Men At Work
77. I’ll Tumble 4 Ya, Culture Club
78. All This Love, Debarge
79. Your Love Is Driving Me Crazy, Sammy Hagar
80. Heartbreaker, Dionne Warwick
81. Faithfully, Journey
82. Steppin’ Out, Joe Jackson
83. Take Me To Heart, Quarterflash
84. (She’s) Sexy + 17, Stray Cats
85. Try Again, Champaign
86. Dead Giveaway, Shalamar
87. Lawyers In Love, Jackson Browne
88. What About Me, Moving Pictures
89. Human Nature, Michael Jackson
90. Photograph, Def Leppard
91. Pass The Dutchie, Musical Youth
92. True, Spandau Ballet
93. Far From Over, Frank Stallone
94. I’ve Got A Rock ‘N’ Roll Heart, Eric Clapton
95. It Might Be You, Stephen Bishop
96. Tonight I Celebrate My Love, Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack
97. You Got Lucky, Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers
98. Don’t Cry, Asia
99. Breaking Us In Two, Joe Jackson
100. Fall In Love With Me, Earth, Wind and Fire

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Full Moon

October 16, 2008 at 11:27 am (Infertility, infertile, iui, ttc) (, , , , )

I went out to walk the dog last night and had the first relaxed, introspective moment I’ve had since hubby has been gone.  I’d hoped to spend a lot of time deep in thought – kind of finding my place here in my own head if nothing else but I’ve been so busy with practical things that it hasn’t happened.

The cause of my moment of peace was the most amazing sky I’ve ever seen.  A full moon.  Surrounded by clouds that looked like a combination of curdled cream and a multi-petaled mum.  The moon in the exact center.  I literally stopped in the street and stared.  Wishing I’d had a camera with me.  It was amazing.

They say that people get a little crazy during the full moon.  And perhaps that explains my meeting yesterday with Dr. Ambitious.  I went in for a consult to review my lupron challenge results and to be re-cultured following my last round of antibiotics.

The culture came first and his assessment was that we probably got rid of the e-coli but now there is something else going on. Some other type of bacteria that he wants to treat agressively since I’ve made it clear that we’re fordging ahead on the next cycle regardless. I got another prescription.  Or sets of prescriptions.

If Dr. Ambitious had his way, I’d now be on (daily:

* Prenatals
* Folic/B vitamin pill twice a day
* 1.5 baby aspirin
* two Floxin (antibiotic) a day
* 3 suppository antibiotics a day
* antibiotic/anti-inflammatory cream FOUR times a day
* a yeast infection cream twice a day

Let’s just say that I’m not so good at remembering to take things. I’m fortunate that I’ve been flawless through my cycles at remembering my follistim and progesterone. So…..I’ll do the folic, the floxin, the asprin and a holistic yeast pill that I have at home.  Anything else….not so sure.

The Lupron challenge test results puzzled me.  FSH: 9.3, Estrodiol: 25.  What?  My FSH has never been even close to 9 before and that’s pretty darn low for the estrodiol too. I’m praying that this isn’t a lab issue (been there/done that).

In response to that, Dr. Ambitious is recommending 5 amps of Repronex twice a day.  And progesterone shots daily. And….some other things that I don’t have in hand yet and still need to research.  I’m going to grit my teeth and give it a shot because I don’t want to look back and wonder “what if”.

I also wrote Dr. Celebrity to get his 2 cents.  In a nutshell he thinks that Dr. Ambitious is off his rocker. But he said that sometimes that’s what it takes to work. He said to ditch the antibiotics. I can’t do that in good faith but it makes me feel better about cutting down on them.

And now we wait.  Again.  You think we’d be good at this by now.

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Suddenly

October 12, 2008 at 2:28 pm (Infertility, infertile, ttc) (, , , )

I consider myself fortunate that the vast majority of my friends have had their children who are now teens or pre-teens. I do have a few close friends who are younger than I am, who may still have kids but in those cases, we’re close enough that I can’t imagine allowing myself to have any negative feelings associated with any fertility successes they may have.

So unlike many of you, I haven’t had to deal with the “surrounded by pregnancy” thing.  Until now.

My neighbor two doors down just had her second child. I don’t know the neighbor and rarely actually see her or any member of her family so it isn’t like I have to face it often. But of course, when she gave birth a few days ago, our Neighborhly Neighbor put up a big sign announcing the birth, etc.  It was a sweet gesture and honestly, I’d be touched to be the recipient of it.  But having to see it every day on the way to and from work is a bit of a pain.

And then I find out that my dad’s wife’s daughter is pregnant again. Again, I don’t harbour her any ill will and her older child is very sweet but she’s the kind of person who decided the month she wanted to give birth and then went and got pregnant. We aren’t close.  In fact she’s one of those people who grates on me. And doesn’t it bloody well figure that probably one round of well-timed sex is going to result in another child.

And…hubby is today attending the christening for his cousin’s baby.  You know, the one who didn’t know that she was pregnant until she went into labor.  This is the one thing that is making me glad that I wasn’t able to go on this trip with him.  I can’t imagine having a couple of drinks and not saying something regrettable to her.

It isn’t helping that these few months of inactivity is making me blaise about the whole thing.  OF COURSE I still want a child more than almost anything. But at this point I’ll be suprised to just be doing a cycle much less having a successful outcome.

On other fronts….I’m finding tons to do with hubby out of town. Unfortunately sleeping well isn’t one of them as I never seem to sleep well when he’s not here but I’m doing a lot of holiday weekend shopping and roaming around town.  No one is on the roads so I can coast to my heart’s content, stopping at whim.

I’m not being half as productive as I wanted to be but the day isn’t over yet and miraculously my office is closed tomorrow. So there is hope yet! I need to be in one of those overly energetic cleaning binges.  Just not sure how to bring one on.

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Challenge

October 7, 2008 at 1:10 pm (Infertility, infertile, ttc) (, , , , )

Today was part one of my Lupron challenge test.  I had SIX vials of blood drawn by Nurse Innept.  She probably isn’t really innept but, horrible for a nurse, she thinks that she is. “Have I gotten blood from you before,” she asked.  “Cause those veins look tough and I don’t like using butterflies.”  ARGH.  Anyhow, she got me the first time so I think it’s just insecurity.  But still.

Then I got the shot.  And then an ultrasound.  It was actually the first one I’ve had with Dr. Ambitious and wouldn’t you know he had the bloody monitor tilted away.  My last clinic let you see everything.  Once I’m in a cycle (assuming that happens), I’m gonna have to chat with him about that.  But everything looked fine, according to him.

Now I go back tomorrow for blood work round 2 to make sure that my levels rose appropriately and then next week I go back to discuss the results and have my re-culture to make sure that the e-coli is finally out of my system.

What fun.  I wish this made me feel like I was doing something.  But it doesn’t.  I watch the days pass on the calendar.  I know how close I’m getting to the end of January when all of my coverage will stop. Honestly, I haven’t had time nor energy to start looking into plan B.

I suppose that I might add that to my list of things to do while hubby is away visiting his family. Or I might not. My discomfort at spending so much time alone is throwing a red flag up to me.  I know that I’ll miss hubby a lot and that’s part of it.  And, for a variety of reasons (all related to time zones, calling card costs, etc) talking or even emailing will be difficult which makes it much, much worse.

But usually I love spending time alone.  As an only child, I did it a lot.  And there is something very freeing for me in spending time by myself, flitting from task to task.  I’m much more productive usually on my own.  If I come home and hubby is on the couch, I’m physically drawn to cocoon with him.  He works on me like the fabled tryptophan of turkey – he makes me relaxed and sleepy and happy and absolutely non-productive.

But it’s been a long time since I’ve had time to myself.  In NY, I had one night a week when hubby was out to get caught up – usually with friends and dinner and wine and usually with peesticksandstones, who I miss dearly.  This time I’m truly going to be by myself and while there are a lot of things I really do WANT to do and NEED to do…I’m just feeling edgy.  Which makes me feel like this time will be good for me.  To find my comfort at being with myself again.  Hopefully.

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