When my last company changed insurance companies and I realized that one of the top-rated doctors in the country now took my policy AND that their office was just a short walk from mine AND Dr. Celebrity’s wonderful assistant was able to squeeze me in without the normal waiting time, I felt like this ART thing may be the right path. Like it might have been “meant to be”. And then we got pregnant and it was like magic while it lasted.
I’m now on the flipside of that string of seemingly positive ocurrances. Now everything is telling me that this is pointless and that certainly not what I want to hear.
I had a moment of home when Dr. Ambitious layed out his agressive plan for me and though I grit my teeth about losing a cycle while he pursued his “positive culture” theory, it seemed worth it.
But now……not so sure.
I called Dr. Ambitious’ office today and left a message for the nurse (you never actually get to speak to someone) asking what the process for next week should be as my period is meant to be starting next week.
She called, as she always does, when I was out of my office and in a meeting. Her message was that I needed to take my 14-day course of antibiotics, wait a few days and then come in to be cultured again and then wait for that to come back and IF that is negative, then we can start with the next cycle. IN OCTOBER!
I know this would be frustrating at any age and with any income. But at 43, I can’t help but think that I’m being led astray. And our just under $700 COBRA payment which was still a deal compared to out-of-pocket IUIs. But by the time we actually begin a cycle we’ll have spent $1400 on, well, 2 cultures. And some antibiotics. And a bunch of vitamins.
I don’t know how much of a sign this all is. But I’m starting to question our path. This just doesn’t feel right at the moment.
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Apologies for the lack of updates – particularly to those I know in real life who use this blog as a way to keep tabs on me – life has been a bit crazy of late with work and various freelance projects and such. I always write these posts in my head and then never have time to commit them to paper but I’ll try to catch up here.
I finally managed to get in touch with a nurse at my clinic and, wouldn’t you know it, one of the cultures came back positive. E Coli of all things. I did a little digging around and there have been studies done about the effects of E Coli on implantation and egg growth. Interesting. So now, in addition to the baby aspirin, the souped up folic acid/b12 supplement, and the prenatals, I’m on an antibiotic. Hubby is equally thrilled to be adding another drug to his regime. Sigh….I think I now take more meds than my 95 year-old grandmother and I’m not even in the midst of an active cycle!
As focused as I am these days on everything BUT ART, I seem to be surrounded by it. An ex of mine wrote that he and his girlfriend just moved into a new apartment “with a room for a baby” even though they don’t have a baby. The girlfriend is the same age as me and she miscarried the same time I did last year.
A very close friend from high school that I do a horrible job of keeping in touch with just wrote me ask pointedly asked if I’d given up on having kids (she never wanted them). She made this assumption from my being 43 and not yet having any. I haven’t responded because she deserves an honest reply and I haven’t had the time to actually clear my head enough to send one.
Yesterday’s news about R.ick.y Ma.rtin having twins with a surrogate really struck me. Don’t get me wrong. I’m thrilled for him and he obviously has enough money to support them. Also, I’m really glad that we’ve gotten to a point where this sort of thing is news because he’s become a father but not due to HOW that happened. I’m just jealous.
At the same time…..in about 2 weeks I suppose that I’m going to start an IUI cycle with the new clinic. I’m nervous that it won’t work (that the lab will mangle the sperm or that the whole process will be as not NYU-like as it has been so far), and I’m nervous that it will as hubby is wrestling with a very slow summer job search in a hard market and in a city that doesn’t seem to be as open-minded as NYC when it comes to skills and qualification. We’re just holding it together financially by not trying to pay anything off, not going out, and just coasting. I’ve no idea what we’d do if there was a child to support at the same time.
But unless scientists come up with something new and innovative or we win the lottery really soon. This is our last set of chances at this, so what else can we do?
Work is alternately really good – frustrating – annoying – entertaining. So far, it is not boring. I guess that’s something and as I’ve started to make some of the projects “mine”, I’ve enjoyed much of it. It’s just what passes for “corporate culture” that’s getting to me.
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So far, I’ve been biding my time here and taking it all in: job, new city, everything. Keeping an open mind and hoping for the best. But now, a month in, the fog is lifting and the good and bad are starting to appear sharper.
First though, on the infertility front – I called again on Friday to find out from the clinic if my labs were back. And they were. And apparently I tested positive for something. But I don’t know what. Nor have I started treatment. Because although the nurse called and left me a message saying that I was positive for something, she left no details. Said that the doctor had my chart and would call later in the day or on Monday. I guess it’s Monday then. Not that it’s like….important or anything….not that it could delay yet another cycle if he’s giving me 2 weeks of antibiotics……..yeesh……….
But even that isn’t at the core of this, it’s my job. Don’t get me wrong, I really like the actual work I’m doing. And I love the industry and the music we’re putting out. And I like my co-workers (although I don’t have the type of intimate “I can tell you anything” relationships that I had with my previous co-workers and I doubt that they will develop here). My problem is my boss. Mr. Company Owner has a very idea of company culture. We work 9-6 (already too long for our salaries!). He’ll call in at 5:50 and expect to have hour-long conversations with people. Nope – doesn’t work for me.
I have a business call next week with someone who is currently in SE Asia. There is a 12-hour time difference. In order to take this call most efficiently (I’m interviewing this person for an article) and at a reasonable hour for both of us, I’d planned to come in at 7.45am and do the call at 8, which is the only time when the office (and my shared space) is quiet. So I wrote Mr. Company Owner and asked if I could leave at 5 that day. Honestly, I did it as a matter of courtesy as my old boss wouldn’t have batted an eye. And wouldn’t you know, he said no. That I wasn’t an hourly employee and that it was against company culture. And pointing out 2 coworkers who he has to “remind to go home” (as if that’s a good thing).
What???
This is the same person who, during the call in which he offered me my job, told me that his greatest fear was that my IVF would work and I’d be on bedrest for 6 months (his wife, who was on clomid was on bedrest with her second child). I suppose I should have seen this coming.
I wrote him a very straightforward email (he was out of state). Explaining that I was destressed that he was calling my work ethic into account. That I’m ALWAYS the first one in the office – no that he’d know that because he is never in before 10 but that I don’t make a big deal about it because to me it is all about getting the job done well and within deadline.
I haven’t heard back from him yet but he’s back in on Monday. That should be fun.
Add to that the students who just moved in next door (I don’t mind students but the best thing about living here is the quiet. Particularly after having lived above a Romanian nighclub for the past 3 years and having the city fine them for noise violations). It’s their second night here and they’re having an outdoor party. Great.
And hubby’s job search which isn’t really going anywhere even though he’d be great at any of the jobs he’s applying for and any job would only benefit from his employment.
There is also the fact that my replacement at my old job lied about her skills and is a bit argumentative and defensive and has ticked everyone off. While having the job that I loved and excelled at. Damn. My husband has floated the idea of whether I could freelance most of the job from here. In honesty, I could do the whole thing from here but my old boss wouldn’t go for that (although she keeps asking me if I’d be able to take on more and more work should my replacement get fired) and the only reason I moved here in the first place was for my new job and the peace and quiet. Neither of which seem to be turning into what I wanted them to.
Damn.
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It’s funny how many of my same-age friends have asked me if I feel “old” today.
Actually I don’t (or rather I wouldn’t if it weren’t for the fact that this means that my eggs are now 43 too!). And I don’t know if that’s good or not. I truly DO believe that age is a frame of mind. And in my mind, I’m still 16. Yes, I’ve grown, I’ve experienced, I’ve rised to challenges and beaten down obstacles. I’ve loved and lost and loved again. I’ve been happy and sad and everything in between. But fundamentally, I’m still the same inside.
And that’s changed how I look at other people a little bit. During my last visit to my grandmother’s apartment complex – all elderly people (my grandmother is 95) – I started to look at the residents and wonder what they were like at 20. What their dreams were and whether or not they fulfilled them. How many of them shared my own infertility challenges.
I guess when you start thinking this way you are officially middle-aged. But like my dad says, he’s too young to have a 43-year old daughter. And he’s right. So I think I’m just going to hold onto 16 for a while longer!
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Sorry for leaving you all hanging (cause I’m sure that all of you were glued to your computer hitting “refresh” and waiting to find out if I ever heard from Dr. Ambitious or one of his crazy nurses).
So Dr. Ambitious DID call me. And I had one of the strangest conversations I’ve had with anyone so far throughout this whole process. I’m not even sure how to sum this up so I’ll just give you the gist of it all.
He would be “happy” to start the IUI process but “you know how nurses talk” (I kid you not, he really said this) and if he did something different for me than he does for his other patients, he’d never hear the end of it. Ok, so my fertility is now linked to my doctor’s pride and it has nothing to do with success rates. He just doesn’t like them talking behind his back.
And he truly believes that being (almost) 43 really isn’t the issue but that my ovaries are “tired” and “confused” by all of the treatments and that the cultures are “sure to come back positive” because otherwise I wouldn’t have had the chemical pregnancies and my doctor in NYC, Dr. Celebrity who just did a couple of national TV spots, must just not pay much attention to the biochemistry of ART.
WHAT?????
He went on to say that he didn’t think the 375ml of follistim I’d been given was enough. And it didn’t matter how many times I said that I only had that much two times: my first cycle during which I got pregnant but also verged on the edge of OHSS and my IVF cycle. Which was an IVF cycle.
His idea is to superstimulate me with repronex and to go for 10-15 follicles. I’m STILL not sure how I feel about that.
Eventually, I gave in. We’re not doing IUI this cycle. We’re taking vitamins and follic acid and baby asprin and all sort of stuff and we’ll wait for the cultures to come back.
Honestly, it would be cool to find out that there was something that was curable with antibiotics that is at the core of this. But I’ve never met a medical professional who ignored the fact that I’m (almost) 43 before. Maybe my eggs are old. You think????
Hubby thinks that we should play along just for the option of taking a different treatment path and I agree. To a point.
Hold on. This is going to be an interesting ride.
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