PerchanceToDream

10 dpiui

Sorry for being out of touch for so long, particularly during NCLM but thanks for all of the comments from new readers!

This past week has been a whirlwind.  One of those storms that stirs up the ground and leaves things in unfamiliar places.  The air feels fresher but different.  Things aren’t necessarily where you left them.

This past weekend we visited Nashville.  I signed a contract for my new job.  We signed a lease for an apartment. None of those were easy.

Hubby and I were at each other’s throats the whole trip. Mr. Company Owner was hours late to our planned meeting (apparently typical). Mrs. Company Owner, who had her children after 40 compliments of clomid, invited us to their daughter’s birthday party of the 4th of July should we already be there (um…..well sure, if this IUI turns out to be successful or next month’s IVF does than yes, I’d love to come.  If they fail, well the idea of spending a day with giddy children and cake sounds like my idea of hell.)

We rented a beautiful place that was very close to being double the amount we’d budgeted for rent and that is, in fact more than we’re paying in NY for less space.  But what space it has is beautiful - a HUGE backyard and deck, a fireplace, a new lovely clean kitchen with cabinets that aren’t falling down and I didn’t see a single roach the whole time we were there.  We have bird feeders and even one for squirrels.  I know that you in the midwest are probably laughing but I’d imagine that those from cities are sighing just about now as we did when we saw it (although that being said, the space is so different from our current place that I’ve no idea if any of our furniture will fit in an appropriate way - what the heck do you put into a 7ft bay window anyhow????).  The kicker was basically that no one would take our large, friendly golder retriever.  Note to anyone renting our their house/apartments: a dog’s size is not representative of the damage they might do.  Our 70lb golden will be nicer to your floors and lawn than a hyperactive peakaneese.  Just saying….

Today I had to give notice to my wonderful boss ON THE PHONE.  She’s dealing with a health crises and isn’t in the office.  Thankfully she was supportive and wonderful which only served to make me feel guiltier…..

I know this is all, ultimately, happy stuff.  But my heart is always in New York and I’m leaving behind a job I love, coworkers who have become family, friends that already are and an affinity for the city that keeps drawing me back.  Thankfully I think there might be some business trips that bring me back here.

And of course my IVF clinic. I’m currently at 10dpiui, hating the fact that I’m on progesterone and therefore can’t judge any symptoms on their own merit. Also, this is the first time I’ve ever used Ovidrel instead of pure HCG and my clinic gives double-doses (10,000) for some reason so I’ve no idea when it will really be out of my system.

If this cycle fails, we’re on to IVF #1 next month in the midst of moving.  If I manage to get pregnant it will definitely refute any stress/infertility connection.  At least for me.

I’m thinking ahead but trying not to.  Thinking about what to do if the IVF fails as the grant we’re covered under is good for a year but I would need to be seen at my NYC clinic. Thinking about the processes of adoption.

There is a lot to “wait and see” about.  That isn’t my strongest suit.  But I think I need to learn it soon. No one can ever say that my life is boring…..

2dpiui

Usually one to put all my eggs in one basket (I know, unfortunate analogy but its true!), I’m uncharacteristically being forced to branch out this time and that isn’t such a bad thing.

Tuesday was our IUI. Yesterday we went in for our IVF orientation session. My first reaction was….hmmmm….my previous feeling was right- this really IS what the clinic focuses on. While the nurses and everyone has been great through our IUI processes, I’ve often had the feeling that IUIs are kind of an afterthought in the high-tech ART world.

The session yesterday began with information that it took me months to learn about my clinic as an IUI patient: what days each doctor is on call, where the fellows fit in, etc…. IUI patients only get instruction on how to administer follistim.

Anyhow…we were one of 4 couples there (well 3.5 as one women’s husband couldn’t attend). I’m not sure about one of the them but one of the couples seemed to be going along the same path as us - IUI veterans pinning their hopes on the ultimate of IVF. The other…sigh….a beautiful blond couple, dripping with diamonds and perfectly dressed going for child NUMBER FOUR at the clinic. I really do with them all the best and they seemed really nice but….how many ways to you really want me to feel inferior???

Anyhow….we went through the whole IVF process, the medication process and the shot process (complete with foam butt in oversized panties!). My husband who can’t watch a shot being giving on TV had a very laissez-faire attitude towards giving me the shots that will, I fear, last until he has an actual needle in his hands. I do plan on taking advantage of the clinic’s offer to draw a circle in the appropriate part of my nether regions however. I’d rather look silly than have a progesterone needle in my sciatic nerve (sorry, I have one friend who is going to read that and relive a few years of back and nerve pain…apologies!).

Because we’ve been approved for the state grant, the otherwise overwhelming billing discussions weren’t relevant to us but the other couples mentioned that their insurances didn’t cover IVF. OY! And because we’re covered by the grant, the medicine is automatically ordered and ready when we need it.

We did have to sign a lot of forms declaring our intentions for the eggs should one of us die or should we divorce or decide to stop the process with eggs still frozen or left over.  We hadn’t really thought about this before but came to the same decisions although I’m acutely aware that more than one Law & Order episode has been based on the issue.

I did have to question the follistim prescription though. I’ve read that 450 is the max amount given. When I first joined my clinic for my first medicated IUI, I also scheduled an IVF (that was canceled because I was recovering from my D&C at the time and which we could never have afforded anyhow) and my initial protocol was to start with 450 of follistim.

And that was fine. But during my first medicated IUI cycle, I started with 250. And I ended up with 8 follicles at one point and came very close to canceling that cycle (which we got pregnant with). Since then, I’ve been on 150 which has resulted in an average of 3 follicles. This past cycle (due to the herbs/acupuncture???), 150 almost proved to be too much. I’m not sure what the final count was (I suspect 4) but 2 days before the IUI, we measured 6 large follicles. And I had a previously unexperienced side effect of having my feet swell up to the point that I had no real shoes I could wear comfortably.

So 450….um….yes, I know we don’t have a lot of chances at this and we want a ton of eggs but…..I’m envisioning my body totally freaking out, producing 35 eggs and my not being able to move just at the time I’m going to need to pack our house up and move. I’ve checked this with Dr. Celebrity who confirms that he wants me to start on 450 and I know that if I don’t trust him implicitly, there is no real point to going to one of the best clinics in the country. So I’ll do 450 with a smile on my face. Or something like that!

As for the IUI cycle….I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I was hopeful but with so much else going on, I’m not fixated on it….which might not be a bad thing in the long run!

IUI #7 is complete, performed by my lucky nurse and with a good post-wash count.  Now we wait….

Actually, tomorrow we go in for our IVF class. THEN we wait

Tomorrow is IUI #462 #7.

Although I had doubts about whether my acupuncture treatments were doing anything, my FSH this cycle was the lowest it’s been since we’ve been testing such things (6.4), with good estrogen levels and I responded very, very well to even the usual, relatively low level of Follistim that I’ve been on in previous cycles.  Yesterday’s count was in the 6-8 range of follicles, today’s measurements looked like 4, plus a number of smaller ones.

The scan yesterday was at least good enough for the fellow to tell me that if I was younger, they’d probably cancel the cycle but at 42, they want to take all the opportunities they can.  I even got the talk about the risks of twins and triplets.  When I heard that in October, I spent a certain amount of time googling the actual odds.  This time I smirked.  I know that it’s definitely possible but it’s hard, when one seems to be out of your reach to worry about multiples.

What I DID worry about though was this:  What if a miracle happens and I get pregnant.  What if it IS with multiples and I end up on some amount of concentrated bed-rest?  In my current job, I’d take my  weeks vacation, my 5 weeks sick leave and then, if needed, use some sort of short-term disability.  In my new intended job where Mr. and Mrs. Company Owners have already told me that my ending up on bed-rest would be their worst nightmare (as much as they DO support my wanting to get pregnant) what would happen?  I’ll only have 2 weeks vacation which I’d need to accrue over the course of a year.  I still have no idea what their sick-time policy is (I’ve had to ask them about so many other things, this one just slipped past) and as I won’t have been there a year and they only have six employees or something, I don’t think that there is short-term disability or FMLA.

I’m trying not to spend a lot of time worrying about this scenario because, hey, I need to get pregnant first and that hasn’t exactly been a piece of cake.  But still…..I’d at least like to have an idea of how I’d handle it.

In other news we go for our IVF course tomorrow.  I know in advance that a lot of it won’t be relevant (their billing system doesn’t need to be explained to us because we’re on the state grant, I know the process of IVF, etc….).  Aside from it being a requirement for treatment, the main thing that we want to walk away from the class with is some sort of knowledge that my husband can give me the progesterone shots without passing out.  And I wouldn’t be one to take bets on that…..

Having worked all weekend at my company’s board meeting has also left me feeling glum (I’m sure that the follistim and HCG isn’t exactly helping).  I love my job.  I love my co-workers.  I love my boss (99% of the time).  I love the fact that, after my 2.5 years here, I’m looked at as an authority on certain topics and my confidence has grown rapidly through this position.  And to be honest, I love my salary and my truly wonderful benefits.

There is a huge part of me that really just wants to stay put in the short term, get our bills paid off and follow the fertility thing through to the end (one way or another) without trying to move across country right in the middle of it.

At the same time, this is the sort of job that (crappy salary and non-existent benefits aside) comes along only once so how could I not jump at the opportunity.

Change always comes with some amount of apprehension and fear.  As least that’s what I’m chalking my current feelings up to.

CD 5

First, a heartfelt apology to those I know in the real world who I haven’t spoken to in the last few days and who are going to get all sorts of information from this post that I should have told them in person but haven’t had time to. Forgive me?

That being said, I’m not really sure where to start.

First off, we’ve started an IUI cycle. Same amount of follistim, etc, etc….I was hoping that since this is pretty much the end of our IUI road, he might have bumped me up a bit but no…..crazy almost non-existent period this month though. I’m not sure if that’s down to the acupuncture or crazy herbs (which I am SO not going to miss) or my general stress level at the moment. But all being said, my numbers were great: FSH 6.4 and estrodol 33. Probably the best I’ve had so far and not bad for being 42!

Of course the IUI will end up falling some time during our board meeting at work and for the first time ever, my boss is being a bit of a pain and telling me that she won’t let me out of the meeting for the procedure should it fall during one or two crucial times. ARGH!

But I’ve got my fingers crossed and now I just need everything to work!

Speaking of work…..I’ve survived one of the most frustrating and drawn-out contract negotiations to land the out-of-state job. YAY! Every other job I’ve taken has gone like this: Employer offers salary/package. I’ve either taken it, said no or come back with a counter offer at which employer can accepted or not.

This one has involved crazy things like a cash incentive to move WAY before I really want to (they want me to start in very early July), a guaranteed commission to bring me up to the very lowest salary I was willing to accept. Why not just give me the salary? Because they’re afraid that their other employees (all of whom are almost 20 years younger than I am) will find out and be hurt. Um….I have 20 years professional experience and I can’t imagine that any of their existing employees, some of whom I know, wouldn’t understand that. Unless of course, they’re making so much less than the very low salary I’ve accepted that they really would be upset. Anyhow so they wanted to offer me the commission annually and I had to point out that no, I needed that amount to pay for little things like food and electricity so we compromised on quarterly.

Next step is getting hubby to go visit over Memorial Day weekend just to make sure he likes it (and to do some apartment hunting) and so that I can sign some sort of contract and get my incentive and relocation checks.

However….because I can never do anything the easy way, we’ve also decided that, should this IUI not work, we’re going to do IVF NEXT MONTH. Before we leave. In the midst of packing and finish work and freelance assignments and seeing friends and….I must be out of my mind.

But the NYS IVF grant only covers monitoring at my clinic, new employer’s insurance doesn’t kick in for 90 days, etc., etc……It just seems like the best option although the timing is going to be tight and even thinking about it makes my head spin. The only good thing for me is that the grant covers 2 IVFs (or one IVF and an FET) so I don’t have to think of this as my last ever chance. Hopefully there will be one more if we need it and then I’ll sort out the coming to NYC for the procedure bit.

There is some concern about my new very small employer in that they have no maternity leave policy and their huge fear is that I’ll move there and end up on bed rest for 7 months. Um….yeah…I don’t love that thought either. I’ll do my best to keep that from happening. They also have no 401K, no life insurance and had to call their health insurance consultant to find out how much it would be to cover my husband because none of their employees are married. Sigh….no gain without risk, right????

I alternate between being very excited (about the work, in some ways about the move, and in the promise of IVF success) and absolutely terrified (about….well….everything).

If anyone has a few extra hours in their day that they can send me, please do. I think I need more than 24 at this point!