PerchanceToDream

CD12 and…nothing.  I mean really,  nothing.

Went for my ultrasound and blood this morning in hopes that we’d trigger today for an IUI tomorrow but no go.  My numbers are really low, the doctor this morning (a fellow) said she couldn’t tell if what she saw was a cyst or a follicle.  Umm…that’s just lovely.  Thanks!

I was hoping that when the nurse, who is a great source of information, called that I’d get some enlightenment but she was puzzled too. It sounds like the chemical pregnancy really threw my body for a loop and they want to see me back on Saturday in hopes that the numbers will start to rise.

That means that I’ll miss going to the Celtic Fiddle Festival concert I was hoping to attend tomorrow (I wouldn’t get home until 2am and would then have to get up at 6 to make it to the doctors on Saturday which wouldn’t be a problem except that we have a house guest arriving that day).

The oddest part of this is that I feel as though I’m about to ovulate; a bit sore and all that. This is all very strange…..

I’ve no real problem waiting until next week for the IUI (general impatience aside) and it means that I’ll be up for doing the touristy things we have planned with our friend (such as walking across the Brooklyn Bridge, which neither of us has done before) but I start to get worried when my highly-renowned medical professionals admit to be confused.

So what’s worse than a miscarriage that results in a D&C in an abortion mill because it’s over Christmas week and all your “real” doctors offices are closed? Getting an unexpected $700+ bill for that D&C!

Yup! Came home yesterday to a bill from the clinic that the OBGYN recommended by my RE referred me to. The clinic that takes my insurance. The clinic whose billing department is only open 3 days a week for 4 hours each day.

I called my insurance company who said that the doctor’s name on my invoice WAS a doctor in their plan but that the code that was filed was for a different doctor. She’s trying to straighten this out for me while I sit by the phone and try not to develop an ulcer.

I’m not one for creating problems but it’s going to be a cold day in hell before I pay this. The experience was horrible enough but then to go through this just boggles my mind.

Edit: Insurance company called back.  The doctor went out of network FIVE days before my procedure.  Obviously his staff didn’t know about this as they took my co-pay and said that would cover it.  Issue is now being appealed.  Keep your fingers crossed for me….

On top of that, I had the strangest dream last night. I don’t often remember my dreams and those I do remember are usually of the “So, I sat down for lunch with Bono and the Pope and….” variety.

I’ve only once literally dreamed of having a child and that was after the IUI that resulted in the above miscarriage. Last night I dreamed that I was one of those women who go into labor without even knowing that they’re pregnant. And I delivered a beautiful son only we were completely unprepared for a child as I didn’t know I was having one. So my husband quickly build a kind of playpen and we ran around like maniacs trying to get the house sorted and get all of the bits and pieces needed for a child.

It was one of those dreams that I didn’t want to end. I kept waking up and willing myself back into it. And then the alarm went off. And I was back to real life.

The issue has come up recently about why I waited until I was 41 to seriously pursue pregnancy.  It all gets very hard to put into words but I don’t think that I’ll regret the decisions I’ve made regardless of the outcome of all of this.

Honestly, I thought I’d have kids in my early 20’s. The only problem with that was that I still struggling with the concept of a real adult relationship.  I was in one that, had I been able to appreciate it, would have been an appropriate one to raise children in.  But I was too young and inexperienced and was yearning to “live” too much to settle into it.  I knew I wanted marriage and the picket fence in a nice suburb but having finally escaped my own suburban upbringing for the lights of Chicago, there was no way I could let myself just give it all up.

So I didn’t.  I ended the relationship for one with more excitement and travel and…..it was pretty much hell.  And once I got out of that one it was another 10 years before I could even speak to the guy in question. Interestingly, he still wants kids but is (1) in a relationship with a woman high up in the entertainment business who has no interest in kids at all and (2) spending most of his life traveling to crazy and exotic places - something he could never do with a child in tow.

My next two relationships were long-term but both we were with men who kept me waiting while they decided whether they wanted to grow up or not. The first actually ended when my father’s house came on the market and we started talking about buying it and pursuing parenthood.  The second ended when he met his dream girl (thankfully, because neither of us could seem to break the ties) and now has a baby but honestly, I’m glad it isn’t with me.

Then I met my husband. And our first few years, which involved international moves and clashes of culture among other things, were rocky to say the least.  It allowed me to take advantage of the socialized healthcare in the UK and have my LAP done but I doubted that I was going to stay in the UK and couldn’t stand the thought of bringing a child into a situation where I would resent him/her for keeping me tied to someplace I didn’t want to be.
Now, my husband and I are in a much better place emotionally. We’ve worked through most of our problems. We are ready to be parents. We would both be good at it and we have a plan on how to do it. But now I’m 42 and 1/2. And it may very well be too late.

Having had miscarriages my last 2 iui cycles, I have to face the thought that my eggs might just be tired and old and worn out, even if I don’t think that I am.  Does that mean that I’ve done something wrong by waiting? In my heart of hearts, I don’t think so. Even if it means a struggle now that I might not win. And perhaps that’s why I feel ready to be a parent now - because I realize that this isn’t about me but about the child that I hope to rear and guide and love. The child that I would only want the best for.

Um….just called my lovely insurance company to arrange delivery of my HCG for this otherwise un-medicated cycle and….they’re out of HCG. How the hell can they be out of HCG?

Waiting now for my clinic to call me and let me know whether they’re giving me something else or they have a secret stash somewhere…..

But can you believe it???

On the plus side…..they said that my prescription plan covers medication regardless of what it is used for. So…$10 for 900ml of Follistim regardless of whether it’s for an IUI or IVF. Hmmmm….that’s good so long as they cover any drugs I might get should we have to go to IVF…..

Assuming it’s in stock of course!

Edit: So I’ve arranged to get HCG from a local pharmacy but according to my doctor’s office, there is a run on HCG at the moment - everyone is snatching it up. A quick google search shows that everyone trying to get it for weight loss has been complaining about a shortage since November.  I wonder if the doctor will give me two just in case….

My clinic is responsive - or at least my doctor is.  That’s one of the reasons I switched to his program (well, that and the fact that my old clinic was mangling my husband’s sperm). But there are some calls you don’t want to receive.

Yesterday my doctor called, during his week off, in response to a conversation I’d had with his assistant about this coming cycle. When I went in on Monday, I saw the doctor on call and she and I agreed on the plan for this month being an monitored but unmedicated IUI cycle. I’ve never had my treatment plan change without consulting my actual doctor, so I called his assistant just to confirm that there wouldn’t be a problem with this. She said that this sort of thing happens all the time and that it would be fine.

So Dr. Celebrity called yesterday to confirm. And after that, he asked again if I’d considered IVF. Well, yes of course I’ve considered it. But New York has not yet announced whether their grant program will be renewed and so I can’t apply for it. Even with the grant, we really can’t afford it - but I would somehow find a way to deal with one cycle. Without the grant, it’s near to impossible. I reminded him of all of this and he said that he understood but is concerned about my age.

Hell, so am I. I know that 42 is late in the game to be trying this and while I know that my egg reserve is good and my FSH is still in a reasonable zone, I’ve no idea about egg quality and these past 2 miscarriage cycles aren’t making me feel any more optimistic about them.

The doctor agreed to see this natural cycle through and to do a medicated cycle afterwards if needed and said that then we’d “regroup”. I’ve flipped that word up, down, and sideways and there seems to be no way to read it beside “If this doesn’t work I’m going to cut you off IUIs and give you the ultimatum of IVF or nothing.”

I’m fortunate to have insurance that will cover unlimited IUIs and unfortunate that they won’t cover any IVFs cycles.  And my husband and I have committed to seeing this process out through the end of the year.  I never thought about my doctor stopping the process particularly now that I know that I CAN get pregnant.

And so the plan, should these 2 cycles not result in a child is:

• Beg and plead my doctor into letting me continue on this course
• Apply for the NYS grant if it becomes available again and see what they’ll offer
• Try to find another clinic that will take me on.

Are any of these ideal? No…..and the hardest part is that somehow I need to put it out of my mind and not stress myself into a useless mess over the course of the next two cycles.  Yeah, right……