PerchanceToDream

Post title compliments of Nick Drake.

Mood compliments of Follistim, exhaustion, and the fact that my office is so cold I’m wrapped in a shawl, a blanket, and wearing fingerless gloves!

Sigh…..so CD 5. Went in this morning for my blood draw.  The nurse just called (how come they call you at 11.30am when it’s a random blood draw but when it’s something really important and you’re sitting on pins and needles, they don’t call until after 4pm???) and I guess they’ve finally figured out the right amount of Follistim for me because they want me to continue with 150mg tonight and tomorrow. (As opposed to last cycle when they were dragging me in the next day and talking about possibly having to cancel the cycle because I had too many follicles).

Okay,  I guess that’s the good part.  The bad part involves me getting up on Saturday morning to be at their office between 7 and 9. Let me explain that I am not a morning person.  In fact, if there were a dictionary listing under “not a morning person”, my photo would be included. And so my weekends are sacred. Getting up at 10am is early for me. I catch up from a week’s worth of 7am (or earlier) alarm clocks by sleeping in on the weekend. So going in on a Saturday is NOT what I was hoping for. (And I’m PRAYING they don’t have me come in on Sunday too).

Maybe it would  be different if I had the enthusiasm that I had last cycle. And I want to be that happy about getting back into this. But I can’t seem to work myself up for it. I’m sure that it’s some sort of underlying depression.  Focus is not my strong suit these days. I’m equally sure that I’ll be thrilled beyond belief if the IUI works and it’s a healthy pregnancy this time. I’d just like to get to that point.

So, it CD2.  Haven’t had the start of a cycle for a while so I’m finding that I have to get up to speed quickly (how do I give these shots again???).

Once the “oh darn, so I’m not one of those women who will get pregnant 2 weeks after a D&C” feeling subsided yesterday I was quite happy about this cycle beginning although I don’t think I have the same level of magical optimism that I had going into it in October.

Still, my levels are good (actually much better than in October….FSH 7.1 and E44) and they’re starting me on a lower dose of Follistim than last time - just as well as the last one worked so well I almost had to cancel the cycle.

So three days of jabs and then back on Thursday.

One note on my 2 days of meetings at work last week.  Thursday night was dinner with the officers of our executive committee.  All women, most professional volunteers, some with large household staffs. And of course the conversations around the table were based on (1) weight (2) money and (3) babies.  Oh goodie….thankfully my fellow staff members were just as distressed as I was as all of us have issues with one or more of the above.

The only thought-provoking comment that I heard through the whole thing was made by the new VP of my department who is 2 years older than me and has 3kids, 2 of whom are in the process of applying to college! Apparently (and quite surprising as I think she missed out on the sensitivity gene) she used to sell Lupron.  We talked a bit about infertility, her disabled brother, her friend who has a severely autistic child and is trying to now adopt.

Then she recounted a conversation with her husband. She wanted a fourth child and he basically refused, in part out of fear of a disabled child or something else that would tilt their very comfortable status quo and the toll it might take on her.  He ended up convincing her not to pursue it and she said “The thing is, if I had to chose between my husband and my kids, I’d choose them.  But he’s said that he would choose me over the kids.”

At one point or another, I think I’ve heard this from every female friend I have who has kids. Her children are her life. She is her husband’s life. Not having children (yet?) I don’t really know how I feel about this….and I don’t recount this to make any sort of statement.  I really DON’T know how I feel about it or what it says about how attached women are to their children or why (some) fathers don’t feel it the same way. I just found it interesting.

We are back from a very lovely, but very cold, long weekend in upstate New York. Mountains, hot tubs, wine, icy hikes, time for reading and 5 course breakfasts and loving and all the things that we only get in stolen moments in the city.

When we’d planned the weekend, we had the choice between this one and it’s extra day off for MLK Jr. Day, or next weekend which would have run over my husband’s birthday.  Neither of us wanted to miss this next cycle so we went with the earlier weekend and I spent a certainly amount of time praying that AF wouldn’t arrive before Wednesday.

Now though, it’s Thursday.  I have my new Styrofoam crate filled with ice packs and follistim and I’m ready. Apparently my body, as usual, has other ideas though and so far not a sign.  I remember times in the past where praying for my period meant that I wasn’t pregnant and the irony of now praying for a period so that I can TRY to get pregnant isn’t lost on me.

I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t read those posts by women who got pregnant after a miscarriage without even getting their period like you eat a bag of chips.  Each delicious post makes my mouth water and raises my hopes by an infinitesimal amount. But I also know that hopes like that, just like the chips, aren’t good for you and so I try to avoid them…

As much as I’d love to wax poetic about the non-infertility things in my life right now…well, there really aren’t any. I’m in a writing lull, work is about to get highly annoying this afternoon as our lay leadership arrives for a dinner of forced bonding and an all-day meeting tomorrow to hash out departmental priorities for the next 2 years.  The cat got her revenge on us for not having taken her on vacation by keeping us up all night by knocking things off my dresser. You know…life goes on but it doesn’t make the waiting any easier.

I realize that I’ve turned into a lurker as of late. I’ve read all of your blogs, I’ve formulated comforting/congratulatory/hopefully-helpful responses and then….well, I’ve got distracted by work, the dog, my new Facebook account that allows me to do fun and mindless things like throw sheep at my husband, and I haven’t written. To all, particularly those who have commented and send words of support to my site - Thank you and I’m truly sorry and will try to be better. Really!

So the state of the union is: well, I’m in on Friday for what I hope will be the last blood draw before my new cycle starts. Praying for zero so that I can start praying for high numbers again!

We also received the report from the D&C and it was abnormal - trisomy 22. I am at once relieved and saddened. I know that this is easier for me; that I have “something to blame” and that I would not be adept at raising a child with the disabilities caused by the chromosomal abnormality. But I am sad as well that it didn’t work out, that the life we created had to struggle so hard for it’s short time…..

I am, in so many ways, in limbo. Waiting for this cycle to begin, waiting for some freelance work to come my way, waiting for our new cycle to begin at work (we work in 2-year spans with volunteer leadership), waiting for spring, waiting to have a plan to move to the Midwest, waiting for our bills to be paid off…..waiting……

According to this morning’s blood-work, my beta is still at 19.  The only thing good about that is that I know that we’re completely in the clear for our long weekend away. I won’t have my fear about starting (and then missing) the cycle while we’re away.  But come on already….it’s been 3 weeks as of Saturday.  How long is this going to take?

I also got a call that the results from the genetic testing after the D&C have been faxed to my RE.  Now I need to wait to hear from him.

In other news, everyone in Hollywood is pregnant.  Sigh….I don’t begrudge anyone having a child who will love it and nurture it.  I just want to jump on that bandwagon too.

Note to mymaybebaby: Yes, I actually love acupuncture.  I found it relaxing above all else (although certainly better in England than in the heart of noisy Manhattan.  My acupuncturist is right near Grand Central Station and really, there is no way to completely block out that noise.  I DID take the herbals and I know a lot of people who seemed to have success with them.  I’d completely suggest looking into it, if you can afford it.