PerchanceToDream

What do you write about in an infertility blog when you’re…..well, doing nothing.

We’re in a holding pattern. Still bleeding a bit from the D&C, still bloating from…well, not sure. I wasn’t having so many pregnancy symptoms anyhow so I can’t even say whether they’re gone or not. Oh and I’m sick. sigh……

That all being said, I probably sound glummer than I am. Christmas was lovely and filled with lots of champagne and great presents. It was just the two of us and the animals and it was really nice. (I am, of course, blacking that bit about how we went to the pub for a nightcap and a very pregnant women sat down with the couple next to us and started talking about baby names for about an hour).

We held off making NYEve plans until we got back from California and could assess the pregnancy. In a last minute rush, I managed to get a reservation at my very, very favorite New York restaurant. Go figure. Then we’ll head off to listen to some music and I’ve already started to pray that we can somehow find seats in the very small pub that is bound to be packed to the rafters. I’ve given up praying that any of my dressy clothes will actually fit this year but who knows.

Work is busy but not busy enough to really keep my mind focused and this headcold is making that impossible anyhow. I find that the scales have tipped slightly and I’m no longer as depressed about losing this pregnancy as I am frustrated by this indeterminate wait. Or rather….losing the pregnancy will always be a part of me now. But we’re hoping, praying and (in my husband’s case) assuming that we’ll get pregnant again and so we’re trying to fill this time with the things we couldn’t otherwise do (i.e., trying to get to our fav. B&B where the main activities are hiking, drinking wine and sitting in hot tubs - nothing I was in any shape to do before).

But otherwise, I find that I’m courting quiet. Quiet music, favorite books, soft nests of blankets. I’m fortunate to be able to do this at work too as my office is generally dark with just a desk lamp and I can close the door and play Arvo Parte or Requiem (No comments about all the church music when I work for a Jewish organization, it just happens that way!) or this pseudo oriental music/bird song that my old acupuncturist in England used to play.

So see, this is a post about nothing really….just about letting time pass slowly and cleaning things out to make way for the new year.

Note to Oro: Your comments about having to recover from a D&C in a maternity ward brought chills up my back.  That’s horrible.

Ellen: Thanks so much for your comments.  There are so many blogs out there that I’ve received information and insight from and if I can given even a little of that back than this is worth it.

Thanks again to everyone for their wishes of goodwill and support.  This truly is a community of amazing women….

All in all, I’m okay. The D&C, along with 3 scans from 3 different doctors confirming the same thing, brought a lot of closure.  While I’m have some cramps and some bleeding it’s nothing excessive and my doctor isn’t even (at this point) suggesting that we wait to try again.

The bad timing of this though, meant that the procedure took place in an abortion clinic.  One that takes uninsured walk-ins. So when we went on Saturday the room was packed.  I had to fill in my forms standing up. And it was clear from the giggling and cell phone conversations taking place that most of the people there had gotten unintentionally pregnant and had no qualms about “getting rid of it”.

Not exactly the same situation we were in.

It was three hours before they took me for the procedure.  But I do have to say that the surgery team was great and when they found out that this was a miscarriage, they were appropriately sympathetic and comforting, even if I had to explain the different between IUI and IVF to them.  And the ceiling, with it’s backlit butterflies was actually a soothing thing to drift off to.

They brought me out of the anesthesia quickly, had me move to a chair and gave me hot chocolate that promptly threw my system into shock.  After about 5 minutes, my pulse slowed down, the dizziness and sweating stopped and they asked me to leave because they needed the chair. Um sure……

Anyhow, this chapter is now behind us although it will now always be a part of me. I meet with my RE on the 2nd and then we have to focus forward……

Happy holidays to any and all. I hope that this year is happy and comforting and fruitful for all of us….

Aside from now knowing that I’m actually capable of getting pregnant, the only other good thing to come out of this is that I may have found an OBGYN I can live with (hate the practice but he squeezed me in for today, did a confirmation scan for me, calmly answered all my questions and generally was sympathetic and put me at ease). He also confirmed the dating which means that the short stabbing pain that woke me on Sunday morning was probably the manifestation of my greatest fear.

The end result is that the D&C is tomorrow at 10am.

I truly have no words to thank all of you who have left comments. Many of those in my “real” world have never been through this and are strapped for words (although I know that the love and support are there). Alongside their’s, the words of those who have been through this or who fear this outcome as badly as I have, are getting me through this with some measure of sanity and hope for the future still intact. So while all I can say is “thank you”, please know that the gratitude I’m feeling is far deeper than those words can convey.

I’m taking a break from this overwhelming fear and depression because I’ve been tagged by KatrinaJellyBeana to list seven things about myself. I’m actually grateful for the chance to focus on something else so here it goes:

1. I was once kissed by (THE!) Michael Douglas at a party. I won a writing competition my senior year in college and he was sitting on the Board the organization. Everyone there was in a tizzy but I was nonchalant, trying to get a playwright (now an actor I see frequently on TV - he hasn’t aged well!) to notice me to no avail. I told Mr. M.D. that film was a lazy way out compared to Theatre and before he left he came to see me and told me he’d enjoyed our debate and layed one on!

2. I played the clarinet for about 15 years. Not terribly well and I could never play and march but….

3. My dream growing up was to be a baseball writer.

4. I met my husband in a pub in Dublin when he was on vacation and I was meeting the editor of a magazine I write for. We were engaged 2 months later.

5. I’ve worked for a zoo, the D.C. government (when Marion Barry was Mayor the first time. OY!), Comedy Central, a scientific organization in England, a few theatres and some religious non-profits. I always forget how diverse that list is!

6. Not really about me but one of my best friends, GaijinMama (and an IVF success story) has TWO books coming out in 2008 and, as one of her first “editors” and cheerleaders, I couldn’t be prouder of her!

7. I have three bile ducts on my liver (most people have 2). Found this out the hard way when I had my gall bladder removed and they only closed two.

My turn to tag GaijinMama and PeeSticksandStones

Last Sunday morning I was woken up, early, early morning by a stabbing pain in my side.  It probably lasted no more than 3 minutes or so and went away.

When I got up to get ready to leave for California, I was spotting a small amount of dark brown blood.

I went to California, and my conference and my boss and coworkers were amazing and helpful and optimistic and sympathetic.  I worked hard but they let me slide as necessary.

And I continued to spot.  In the few days that I had computer access, I googled…..and I hoped that no cramps and no red blood equaled the placenta latching on or some such thing.

The conference ended.  Work people left.  My husband came in and we had a few nice days visiting the zoo, etc.  I was determined to enjoy those days no matter what.

We came back last night and went in for today’s scan. My RE looked for about 45 seconds and said that while the baby had grown (significantly from what I saw) he couldn’t find a heartbeat and at 10 weeks, it should stand out easily. And because he has never ever (even with heartbeat present) dated anything for me, I don’t know if it was last Sunday or this morning or sometime in between (although I suspect more recent than not given the size of everything).

So now I’m meant to go in tomorrow (Friday) for a D&C.  But my RE’s office can’t do it this week so I’m going to someone else suggested by them.  Only they haven’t returned my calls.  I don’t even know what time the procedure is meant to be.  Note to any doctors out there: This is a recipe for making a horrific situation almost unbearable.

I had 10 days to assume the worst; to try to push the hope aside as it kept floating to the top.  So while I’m numb and sad, I’m not completely taken by surprise.

Tomorrow, when the fog of sadness and jetlag lifts, I think that the hole in my heart will fill with pain. For now, I’m going to sit in the arms of my husband, have a glass of wine and talk about the future.